37. Sophie
When morning came, I felt lighter than I had since the king’s party. In fact, I was buzzing with a strange, half nervous, half excited energy. I knew hope was a dangerous thing, but Kasten really did care about me. Deeply. He had wanted to marry me. It changed everything.
After eating a large breakfast and spending much longer than normal on my makeup, I decided on a big project to distract my mind from Kasten and the kiss we’d shared last night, otherwise, I was going to be unproductive all day. Every time I thought about my husband, I felt my cheeks heat and my stomach dip, and though it wasn’t an unpleasant sensation, quite the opposite in fact, I didn’t want to spend the morning daydreaming.
Callum strode into my workroom without knocking and lurked behind me while I stoked the fire. “What are you doing?”
I didn’t turn but kept adding ash logs, which apparently burned the hottest. The metal thermometer fastened to the cauldron remained annoyingly low. “Nothing to do with you today, I’m afraid. I’m preparing bigsweed.”
“Looks to me like you’re trying to burn the castle down.”
I didn’t honor him with a glare but pointed to instructions in an open book on the table.
Callum peered at the pages and tutted. “I have no clue what bigsweed is or what you’re trying to do, but you’re not going to reach those temperatures in here. Unless you really do set the whole room on fire.”
I sighed, waving him away. “Well, I won’t with your pessimism, that’s for sure.”
He grinned. “We need the kitchen. That fire—the grand one—will work. The bellows there are as tall as me.”
I frowned at him. “I can’t commandeer the kitchen fire. They need it to cook. I’ll be in the way.”
Callum raised an eyebrow. “Are you or are you not lady of this house?”
“Yes…”
“Then does that not mean that the household all have to do as you say? I’ve borrowed their fire before, and they still deign to feed me. Come on.” He grabbed a bunch of the dried herbs. “Bring the whole lot. We might as well do one big batch. We can use the giant cauldron they have down there, too, instead of yours.”
“But they use that for food…” I broke off as Callum’s back disappeared through the door. He clearly wasn’t going to listen to me.
I hurried to grab the book and the rest of the ingredients before running after him and the precious bundle of herbs he carried. Bigsweed took a lot of effort to grow, and I didn’t trust him unsupervised with them.
The kitchen and pantries were the only rooms below ground level, lit by kryalcomy lights and multiple fireplaces the width of walls. Mistress Rose had mentioned to me before that they had a complex kryalcomy ventilation system which prevented the staff from overheating and kept the air fresh, while helping to heat the rest of the castle. Callum cleared the people from around the giant kitchen fire on the furthest side of the room, while I apologized to the staff as they moved away in confusion.
He took off his jacket with a flourish and stoked the fire, then followed my instructions as we brought a cauldron of water to boil.
I started to sprinkle the dried bigsweed into the pot while Callum alternated between stirring and pumping the enormous bellows with his feet. The heat was already becoming unbearable.
“What exactly are we doing?” he asked.
I ignored the twinge of nerves at the question. “First, we need to create a precipitate of the bigsweed. When you boil it down, a white rim of powder will appear around the top. That’s what we want. It’s a powerful treatment for infection, and Physician Harris has asked for some since its expensive to import. But I also discovered another use in this book that I’d never heard of before. Just before it precipitates, the top liquid layer can be extracted and applied to herbal-based mixtures to separate the component parts.”
Callum blinked at me. “Allllll right. And you want to separate what mixtures?”
I looked down and rubbed my upper arm. Would he approve of this or think I was being ridiculous? “The tonics Father gave me.”
Callum held up one finger. “Say no more. I’ll keep the fire at the right temperature.”
Some of the tension left my body, and I prepared the rest of the ingredients, impressed by the ease with which Callum used leather bellows that were taller than me. I supposed he would be used to working bellows when forging alloys for his kryalcomy. He was stronger than he looked.
I chopped up the last of the red cabbage, trying to wipe the stains from my hands as best as I could, and threw it into a smaller boiling pot next to Callum’s boiling cauldron.
The fire flared, and I took a step back, sweat dripping from my forehead.
Kasten’s deep voice startled me. “What in all the kingdoms are you two up to?”
I surveyed the roaring fire trying to escape the hearth, the soot all over my dress, my hands stained red from the cabbage, and the general mess around us. The kitchen staff were casting anxious glances from the other side of the room. Kasten was leaning in the doorway, his expression incredulous yet resigned.
My stomach dipped at the sight of my husband, and I let myself take him in for a moment. He looked…perfect.
How had I been so lucky to have married him?
I folded my hands across my dress and gave him a bright smile as if the situation was entirely under control. “We needed high temperatures to extract the right chemical from the bigsweed. Callum thought this would be the best place to do it.”
Callum stuck up one finger as he stirred the pot using a long stick tied to the spoon so he could stand back from the inferno. “Correction. The only place. Your way was never going to work.”
I placed my hands on my hips. “How do you know? You didn’t even let me?—”
I broke off as Kasten stepped up beside me, distracted by the way his proximity made my heart stutter. My thoughts returned to the night before and how it had felt to be kissed.
And now I was covered in sweat, soot, and red cabbage stains.
Kasten didn’t look at me, but I was sure my cheeks were blushing. “Is there no way to do this without risking burning down the entire castle? The fire is licking the lintel every time you work the bellows.”
“Oh, stop being overly dramatic. Her initial plan was far worse. I saved the castle.” Callum was enjoying himself far too much. “Right. Sophie, I think it’s ready for the first stage. How much of this stuff will we need to separate out the contents of your suspicious tonic?”
I wiped my forehead, the heat from the fire becoming unbearable. “Just a cupful. The rest can be boiled down to make the precipitate for Physician Harris.”
He spooned some into a ceramic mug and passed it to me, the contents still bubbling. I reached out to take it, but Kasten got there first. When I looked at him inquisitively, he shrugged, almost slopping the liquid over the brim. “It’s hot. I’m wearing gloves. You’re wearing red cabbage.”
Callum snorted. “I’ll never get used to what you call humor, Kasten.”
I moved my purple-stained fingers away from the cup, and avoided Kasten’s eyes. Both of us ignored Callum. “That makes sense. Will you help me pour it then?”
I poured Father’s tonic into a clear glass and motioned for Kasten to pour the boiled bigsweed into it while I poured some red cabbage juice into a few other glasses.
I swirled the cup and waited for the liquids to separate.
“What are you testing for?” Kasten asked, his eyes lingering on my fingers which were getting clumsier, the more self-conscious I became.
I took a deep breath to calm myself. “I’m trying to figure out the components of the tonic Miss Claris and Father gave me. The one they bring up and insist I drink every time I see them. It’s supposed to be a fertility tonic. It might just be that they’re eager for me to secure our marriage by conceiving an heir to solidify their links to royalty. But…I just want to know for certain.”
Kasten’s body was suddenly touching my side as he looked down at me, one hand hovering over my back. “You think it might be something else?” I couldn’t help meeting his eyes now; the concern I saw in them made me look away again.
My heart rate picked up. “I just want to know,” I breathed.
The tonic separated into five distinct layers as if I had poured oil into water. I carefully siphoned off each one before noting their colors and adding them to the red cabbage. The bottom layer was thick and golden, clearly honey, so I left that in the glass. “If I know their original color and their acidity, I should be able to work out what they are.”
I waited for the red cabbage water to work as an indicator and fully change color, then recorded the results next to the original shade, using a chart in my book to cross-reference them.
With each answer, my mouth grew drier and my stomach turned to lead. Smartweed. Thistles. Balefodder. Cowstongue.
Kasten’s hand found my back as he leaned over the page, frowning in impatience. “What are they? What do they do?”
I swallowed, my throat tightening. My body became oddly stiff and numb. How could Father do this? How could Miss Claris? Had she known or had she just been following Father’s orders? As their betrayal sunk in, the numbness vanished, and it felt like a knife slicing across my belly.
Kasten’s tone became increasingly concerned. “Sophie? Come away from the fire. It’s too hot.”
I let Kasten take my elbow and guide me to a seat by the door. Callum continued stirring the cauldron, out of earshot unless we raised our voices. I didn’t let go of the paper, reading the names over and over.
Kasten knelt before me, his hand resting on my knee. “Sophie?”
I looked down into his concerned expression. “All these herbs reduce fertility, Kasten. They’re to stop you from having a baby.” Tears spilled, and I wiped them away angrily. “All those months, I thought it was me who failed to bear Frederick a child, but it was…it was…”
Kasten dismissed the kitchen staff with a sharp command and gathered my hands in his, still kneeling on the flour-speckled floor. “Your father did this? Is it permanent?”
I lifted my shoulders in a defeated gesture. “I’m so sorry, Kasten. I should have thought of this before. I just took it. I didn’t think.”
Kasten’s face tightened. “Don’t apologize. Don’t you dare apologize. This is not your fault. None of what happened is. But I want to know how much they’ve hurt you so I can understand how you feel. Tell me about these herbs.”
I nodded and tried to calm my breathing as tears threatened to overwhelm me. “Smartweed and thistles have only short-term effects on fertility.” I paused for a moment to get a good breath of air. “Balefodder, if taken regularly, may have long term effects on your womb. Cowstongue can have dangerous side effects such as general ill health, weakness, and dizziness.”
Kasten licked his lips and closed his eyes. His expression became hard, and he shifted on his heels like a predator. “How long have you been drinking this regularly?”
“Every day since a week before I was married to Frederick until I married you. So just over a year. I’ve drunk it maybe two or three times since I arrived in Kasomere, since I didn’t need it.” I leaned forward and took his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Kasten. I didn’t know. I’ll throw the rest away.” This might mean that not only could I never have children, but Kasten couldn’t either.
“Don’t apologize.” He repeated with anger I knew wasn’t directed at me. He blew out a breath as if what he was about to say was difficult for him. His eyes flicked up to mine. “What would you like me to do, Sophie? Whatever you want to happen to your father, I can make it happen. Whatever you need, just tell me.”
I shivered at the violence in his eyes even as his empathy drew me toward him until our foreheads rested on each other. “I just…need to think. I need space to think.”
Kasten shifted, the tension not leaving him. “You understand what he intended, don’t you? He kept you from having Frederick’s children so he could take his lands for himself. This all but proves his part in Frederick’s death. He intended to do the same here. Use you to take Kasomere when I died.”
Fear punctured my chest, and I grabbed his shoulders. “So, he really does plan to kill you too?”
Kasten rocked back on his heels so there was space between us and gave off a dark laugh. “You really think your father has a chance at killing me? When the king and half the nobility have already failed?” He sneered. “He might have been expecting the campaigns to do it for him. He said he’s met with the king. He might have heard how little they expected me to survive this year.”
I sagged and hugged myself, squeezing my arms. “I’m sorry. You have so much to deal with already, and I’m only adding to your problems.”
He lifted my chin with the crook of his finger. “You, Sophie, were never a problem. We’ll deal with your father like we deal with the king and Lord Lyrason. You’ll see, we’ll survive them all and everything they throw at us, including this.” He inclined his head toward the tonic.
I forced a smile. “What happened to your usual line about impending, unavoidable death?”
He looked down and scoffed. “Well, I have more to live for now.” He reached up and kissed my forehead. Warmth flooded the skin under his lips and the flush traveled all the way to my toes.
Kasten helped me to my feet. “I know you know a lot about these herbs, but I would still prefer to have Physician Harris examine you again in light of what we’ve found.”
I nodded, and he tugged me toward the doorway. I looked over my shoulder to Callum, standing alone next to the giant cauldron. “Just keep it boiling until all the liquid is gone and scrape off the precipitate. Don’t let it burn or it will be useless.”
Callum saluted me as if there was nothing else in the world he would rather be doing, and Kasten swept me away under the protection of his arm.
Physician Harris bowedher head and left. My blood pressure had already improved from the tonics I’d made. There was nothing more she could do.
Maybe I could still have children. Maybe I couldn’t.
I’d thought about my own possible infertility before, but it felt different now, not only because of what my father had done, but because of what this might also do to Kasten—Kasten, who already experienced so much grief and darkness in his life.
I sat on the edge of my bed and stared into space, the reality of everything sinking in. It had been done to me without my knowledge or permission. I felt violated. I brought my knees up to my chin.
Kasten hovered beside me as if unsure what to do. “Do you want me to get your maids? Maybe something else to drink apart from water?”
I shook my head and reached out to him. “Stay with me. Please. If you have the time.”
The bed tilted as he sat down beside me and took my hand. Despite everything, it felt good for our fingers to be entwined as we listened to the clock tick for a few minutes. I wet my lips, trying to find a topic of conversation that might make me feel better. “Did you say you first saw me in a garden?”
The corner of his lips twitched up. “Yes. At Trembok Castle. I saw you from one of the windows.”
“Oh.” My cheeks heated at the memory. “I snuck out during the king’s speech and hoped nobody would notice. It was wrong of me, I know, and Miss Claris caught me. Frederick had mentioned in passing that there were starleaves in the garden, and I wanted to see for myself. They’re a hybrid that are only grown for royal gardens. I’d never seen one.”
Kasten smiled more openly as he studied where my hand was swallowed by his. “You’re always so curious, even when everyone tells you not to be. I love that about you.”
The warmth in my cheeks grew, and I looked down at my lap. I had never thought of curiosity being a positive thing. Though I supposed if I wasn’t naturally curious, I would still be taking those awful tonics.
At the thought, my mood dropped again.
The silence returned, a little more comfortable this time. Kasten cleared his throat. “Do you want to talk about what your father did?”
I shook my head, and he rested his free hand on my knee. Despite everything, I could feel the warmth of his attention all the way through my body. It was…nice.
“Talk about yourself. Please. Distract me.”
He was silent for a long moment more. “You know, I was twelve when my father first tried to kill me.”
I looked at him in shock. “What?”
“Poison in my glass. It made me sick for weeks, but I didn’t drink enough for it to kill me. I wasn’t sure who it was at the time, but I know now. It was just after Prince Stirling caught pneumonia and barely escaped death. I think almost losing his legitimate heir changed something inside of him. From that day on, he has always been ruthless at eliminating threats for Stirling to take the throne after him.”
I swallowed down my horror. Oh Kasten…
I took a sip of water. “What happened to your mother?”
“She was banished. It was a condition of the king marrying the queen. She didn’t want his old mistress around. And she was forbidden from ever contacting me again.”
“How old were you?”
“Three.”
“Do you remember her?”
“Yes.”
“I am so sorry.”
He shrugged. “We all have our scars.”
“That doesn’t mean they don’t hurt.”
He nodded.
I studied his face for a moment. “You asked me what I would like to happen to Father? What do you want to happen to yours?”
Kasten tensed for a moment then relaxed with a long exhale. “I suppose I want to be free of him. But I also don’t want to be the cause of his death. Killing him would only damage me further, not to mention the damage it would do to Fenland.” His hand left my shoulder as he leaned back. “When he gave me the position of general, I thought if I made myself a war hero, I would be indispensable, and he would be proud of me. But I just made myself into a more perceptible threat. And every year he chips away at my humanity until I am nothing but a monster.”
He sighed and looked down at our entwined hands. “When you were crying in the conservatory, I realized this has to stop. I don’t want to die and leave you alone. I’ve been weak, letting them control me.”
I squeezed his hands. “Kasten…”
He shook his head to stop me. “No, I have been. I merely react to what they do when I could have been taking action to protect myself and so protect you. But now that you’ve made this strong pinkseed sedative for Callum—well, we tested it yesterday—I think you’ve finally given us the answer to bring down Lord Lyrason.”
I raised my eyebrows. “I have?”
He nodded. “This sedative is powerful, quick acting, and long lasting. If we can capture two halfsouls, I feel it would be safe to take one to the king and one to a member of the Maegistrium. They will be forced to act immediately and instigate a full investigation. We could even share our suspicions of Lord Lyrason. They could do their own research on what kryalcomy is being performed on them.”
I frowned. The plan sounded risky, and I hadn’t meant for him to take dangerous action. “What if the king still doesn’t believe it’s Lord Lyrason?”
Kasten shrugged. “Then I will believe he’s part of it. I just hope that’s not the case.”
My breath caught. “Then what would you do?”
His shoulders sagged, and he lowered his head, his hand leaving mine to fist his hair. “I don’t know. But…I can’t let a king rule who willingly allows his own people to be turned into monsters. It’s the very reason I fight Kollenstar in campaign after campaign. I can’t let things get worse. I think this would be the one reason I would openly stand against him.”
My heartbeat picked up. This could mean civil war.
Kasten looked up, his hair ruffled. “But I want to believe—part of me has to believe—he’s a better man than that. That’s what I must assume until I see otherwise.”
My heart broke. I reached out and rubbed his back, wishing I could absorb some of his pain.
The clock ticked and Kasten leaned his head on my shoulder. The vulnerability of the action made me want to hold him properly in my arms, but instead, I continued stroking his back.
I dragged in a deep breath. “My father chips away at me, too, until I am hollow inside with no will of my own. I used to feel he had made me so small, that there was nothing left for him to take.” I dragged in a deep breath, and all at once, I was crying. It felt so strange to finally say these things out loud. Kasten lifted his head from my shoulder and wrapped an arm around me, pulling me toward his chest. I tried to keep breathing and speaking through the sobs, each word catching in my throat before blurring together. “But since I’ve come here, I’ve felt like I’ve been growing. I’ve become bigger. I…I don’t want him to chip away at what I’ve gained again. I don’t want to be so small I barely exist.” I paused to wipe my nose and eyes with my handkerchief. “But with this—he’s already taken so much. I don’t want to look ahead and see our future and see that he’s still making me small, constraining what I want to be.” I wiped the tears from my face again and hoped that at least a little of what I was saying made sense.
Kasten handed me another handkerchief and leaned in so I could feel his breath warming my hair. “When you’re ready, tell me what you want. Tell me what you plan.”
I looked down at my hands and I wished I was as strong as Kasten, brave enough to challenge even the king. “I think I want the same as you, Kasten. I want to be free of him, but I don’t want to be responsible for his death. And I will be free if I show him I’m no longer under his power. I’m going to invite him to Kasomere and show him I’m not afraid of him.”
I could sense Kasten’s anger emanating from beside me. “If he threatens either of our lives, I may be left with no choice but to act.”
I nuzzled my head deeper into the dip below his shoulder. He didn’t move away. “You concentrate on your father, and I’ll concentrate on mine. I will follow your lead with making sure the sedative is ready for your plan to prove Lord Lyrason’s guilt, but let me face my father—whatever he threatens, unless my life is actually in danger. I want to show him that I’m not just hiding behind you. Otherwise, he’ll be after me every time you’re away at war.”
He said nothing but kissed the top of my head. I relaxed into his warmth. “Must you really go away in four days?”
“It will only be for a week. And who knows? When I come back, maybe Lord Lyrason will no longer be a threat. Invite your father here for the week after. I won’t interfere, but I can support you by being present. I will…control myself.”
I drew in a deep breath. “I’ll write to him. George mentioned a business proposal, so he’ll assume I want to discuss it in person.”
He squeezed my arm. “Fight and win, Sophie.”
“Fight and win,” I repeated.