36. Sophie
Iused my glass pipette to carefully drip the distilled pinkseed into the small glass cylinder before stopping it with the rubber bung. I labeled it and placed it in the velvet case next to the vials of yellowmoss and birdsfoot. Below each was a wide hollow needle with a feathered end that could draw the sedatives out and be shot down the bamboo pipe. I had made them far more concentrated than before and hoped Callum would take care when loading them into with his new device that would shoot the darts at the soulless. I didn’t want him to inject himself by mistake. Even a drop in a cut would likely knock him out, and potentially, do something even worse.
I was proud of my work, the positive feeling strangely foreign after a week of feeling hopeless. I wondered if Kasten would be impressed.
My mood lowered as my thoughts returned to Kasten. Yesterday, I had finally built up the courage to show George I was too strong to be forced to play their games, and Kasten had come and ruined the image. It had taken so much strength for me to be in that room, and it had all been for nothing.
My anger against Kasten had died, but I didn’t know how to feel around him now; whether to be grateful he had married me when the alternative would have been far worse or annoyed or simply…small. He had achieved and fought for so much—a true hero of Fenland—and he had married me out of pity. I felt too inferior and uncertain to feel comfortable around him. Not to mention that the longer I was around him, the more my feelings for him grew.
It was getting late, so I closed the case and cradled it carefully, ready to bring it to Callum in the east wing. Meena trailed behind me.
As we reached the third floor, Meena gave me a short bow. “I’m only supposed to enter Callum’s work area when necessary, so I’ll wait here for you.”
I hesitated in surprise, then let myself in through the unlocked door. Callum had to be inside already; he never left the door unlocked. It hadn’t occurred to me that the goings on in this room were secretive to many of the residents in Kasomere, not just me.
At first, the room appeared empty; beams of dying sunlight cut from the windows to the desks, shining crimson on all the haphazard objects lying across them. The fireplace was barren. I wondered if Callum had left the room unlocked after all.
A noise caught my attention, and I walked to the center of the room, curious. To one side, a whole section of wall was angled inward, revealing the entrance to another room. A secret room.
I set the velvet case on the desk before walking slowly toward the concealed entrance. “Callum?”
Low voices sounded. I cleared the remaining distance before they could stop me and slipped through the gap in the wall.
Callum stopped a few feet away, one of his hands outstretched as if he’d been hurrying to reach me. “Sophie! I didn’t hear you come in.” He grinned and folded his arms. “Well, now that you’re here, you might as well join us, don’t you think, Kasten?”
My heart stumbled. I looked over Callum’s shoulder and saw Kasten glaring at his friend, his arms folded, and his expression displeased. It looked like he hadn’t intended for me to see this room. Well, I hadn’t intended to see him yet after yesterday. My thoughts were too jumbled to explain my anger.
I licked my lips. “I can leave if…”
Kasten’s narrow eyes moved from Callum to me and softened. “Good evening, Sophie.”
Despite everything, his words caused a flutter in my stomach. I mumbled a response, then turned back to Callum. “I’ve made you a new case of different sedatives to try. These are very strong, so please be careful not to let any of the liquid touch your skin.”
His grin widened. “Excellent. I always enjoy the spice of added danger.”
I gave him a strange look before curiosity got the better of me, and I looked around the room. It was small and circular with a domed paneled ceiling. The plaster walls were peeling. There were no windows, but so many kryalcomy lanterns hung from the walls, it wasn’t particularly dark.
I pressed my hands up against a glass cabinet, the glass so thick it seemed excessive. There was no door or lock and the glass seemed sunk into the floor. “What is that?” I pointed to the harness inside hanging on a simple stand. It consisted of two wide leather belts designed to crisscross the chest. In the middle, as if to hang above a person’s heart, was a huge, polished stone, or possibly a glass dome. Silvery light seemed to shift within it.
Kasten growled behind me, making me startle. How did he move so silently? Callum had never told me that he’d invented kryalcomy that did that. “Something Callum should have never made, and something that should be destroyed.”
Callum shifted; even he looked a little uneasy as he surveyed it. “Nobody except us two—well, three now—knows this exists. I’m saving it for an emergency.”
My curiosity increased so much, it was painful. “Emergency? You mean more of an emergency than Kasten having to retake Whitehill with only two thousand men?”
Callum nodded and scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah, it would have to be worse than that.”
Kasten strode up to loom beside me, his arms crossed. Displeasure radiated out from him. “There would never be an emergency bad enough to justify this.” He flicked his hand at the harness with a disgusted expression.
Callum shrugged. “Or if Kasten decides he actually wants to win the war and have it over and done with.”
I turned to them in shock. “That device is powerful enough to win the war against Kollenstar?”
Kasten’s face was stone, but the corner of Callum’s lips flicked up as he nodded toward my husband. “In his hands, it would be.”
I turned to the general. “I don’t understand. What is it? Why can’t you use it?”
Kasten pointed at the harness with a sneer. “If the king or Lord Lyrason knew that thing even existed,” he punctuated his words by stabbing the air with his finger, “we would open the floodgates to an evil I can’t even begin to comprehend. Nobody should have that much power. I could destroy the armies of soulless, but then Fenland’s royals would want it for themselves. They would learn how to make more…and they would destroy the world.”
Callum folded his arms. “Or you could step up, rule this country, and protect this power, keeping its origins secret.”
Kasten scowled at him. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”
I swallowed, looking back at the simple device, then turned to Callum. “What is it?”
He sighed, racking his hand through his golden curls. “It’s my greatest invention. No one else has even dreamed of it, yet it must sit here, useless.”
I could almost hear Kasten grinding his teeth.
Callum reached out to touch the glass as if in reverence. “It channels the power of stars.”
I blinked. “What?”
Callum went to a switch on one wall with a green glowing light and flicked it up. The doomed roof opened up like a cracked egg to the night sky and thousands of stars. A series of mirrors bounced their weak light from all angles, concentrating it into a faint beam that led to the glowing stone.
“Starlight? We already have kryalcomy that channels light. And more powerful light than that.”
Callum shook his head with one finger in the air. “Not light. Power. Did you know that stars are countless millions of miles away? So far away that it can take years for their light to reach us. Some of those stars are already dead, exploded into fiery cataclysms. The power of each one is close to infinite, enough to power the birth of new stars. I capture just a little of that power, but within it, we touch infinity. We store infinity.”
I blinked as his words trailed off into something close to worship as he stared at the stone and the pale light it absorbed.
I stepped closer to him. “What is it made of? This substance that can channel such power? What stone?”
Callum’s face twisted into a strange smile. “I discovered it by accident, then it took me a few years to perfect. It is a secret I’ve not even told Kasten.”
“I don’t want to know,” he grumbled.
I looked at my husband and met his gaze. I saw the weight there. The distaste and…fear. “This is what you’re so eager to hide. Callum’s other inventions, too, but mostly this. This is what they would kill you for.”
Kasten tilted his head up slightly. “I will not watch the world burn over this.”
I nodded. “I…understand.”
Callum reluctantly nodded. “Though it is a shame to say so, you’re both probably right.” He flicked the switch and the roof closed. “But still, I want to keep it here, whatever you say, Kasten. One day there might be an emergency great enough.”
I followed Callum out of the room and watched as he pulled a hidden lever under one of the tables and the wall slid back shut. I handed him my case and talked him through each of my sedatives. My own contribution seemed decidedly less impressive after Callum’s star-wielding, world-ending harness, but still I was proud of them. Callum nodded excitedly. When I’d finished, I turned to leave, glad to also leave Kasten’s gaze boring into my back.
“Sophie.”
I stopped at the deep voice of my husband. I began to put on an instinctive smile, but remembered how he had spoken about my fake smiles and facades. So, I regarded him with a somber expression instead, reflecting how I felt more truly. He stood completely still, leaning against the wall, watching me. “Kasten. Are you staying here with Callum?”
He stepped closer, shaking his head. “I know it’s late but walk with me. Please.”
I glanced at Callum, who shrugged, already half distracted by something he’d written on a piece of paper.
I wasn’t sure I was ready for this. But maybe a quiet walk would be a good step forward.
I took Kasten’s arm, my mouth dry at his sudden attention and nervous about what he wanted to talk about. If he wanted me to explain the utter smallness and helplessness I’d been feeling this last week, I wasn’t sure how to put it into words.
I glanced up at my husband, but his expression gave nothing away. At least he no longer looked wounded and forlorn like he had through the glass of the conservatory. I’d seen his reflection in the mirror behind the palm tree. I had never known he was capable of such expressions. My guilt at how I was hurting him had enhanced my self-hatred and made it impossible to turn around.
Kasten didn’t speak but guided us out of the room and down the stairs to the ground floor, toward the glass veranda doors. Having been apart from him all week, my body was more aware of his every movement than before.
Nerves started to build with his silence. “I won’t tell a soul about the starlight, Kasten. I understand your caution completely.”
He tensed slightly under my arm. “I know. That’s not what I wanted to talk about.”
Impatience made me turn toward him as we walked. “Then what?”
He opened the glass doors, and I was bathed in a wave of chill air. He stopped at the edge of the covered walkway, vines trailing up the pillars, their flowers wilting as the weather became cooler yet still adding a sweetness to the air. Somehow lisalthis had gotten into the flowerpots here, the stems cascading down their sides with their tiny buds closed, waiting for dawn. It was normally considered a weed, but I loved how delicate those tiny stars of color were when they unfurled, only gracing the early risers with their secrets.
Kasten spoke while looking out into the inky darkness of the garden. “You spend a lot of time with Callum. You’ve gone to his workshop often this week, and the two of you have eaten together.”
I frowned, unsure what he was saying. This hadn’t been where I had expected this conversation to go. “I wasn’t aware you were keeping an eye on me. We’re working on a new sedative for the halfsouls.”
He still didn’t look at me. “You’ve been excited about it. You get the same light in your eyes that Callum gets when creating new things.”
I nodded. “Callum gave me some great ideas. I think we might be able to think up some new applications for medicinal kryalcomy, too, soon. Can you imagine?” I hesitated. “That is, if you don’t mind more illegal kryalcomy happening in your house.”
“Our house,” he corrected automatically. He rubbed his chin with his free hand. “Do you…like spending your time with clever men? Interesting men. Ones who can match you in conversation.”
I frowned, took in his words and his expression, and stepped back in shock. “You’re jealous.”
He rolled his shoulders and looked away over the dark garden. “No, I’m not.” The action was dismissive, but it showed off the strong curve of his jaw, the tendons in his neck, and my emotions softened. I no longer felt small or pitiful. Curiosity and surprise shocked me into feeling a little giddy as it sunk in that he really was jealous. Maybe he had genuine feelings for me after all.
I couldn’t help a hint of a teasing smile that curved my lips. The thought of him being jealous of who I spent time with was so ludicrous. I snorted a giggle. His eyebrows rose in surprise at the noise.
I tried to move on from the embarrassing sound I’d just made. “I’m not even remotely romantically attracted to Callum, if that’s what you mean.”
He whipped his head back. “You’re not? It’s just that I can see what a good match he is for you. You’re both passionate about the same things, whereas I constantly say the wrong thing, and my intelligence is limited to military machinations. I’m very aware you had no choice in marrying me. You two have spent a lot of time together this week, while you and I?—”
I squeezed his hand, still unable to hide my smile. “Kasten, you’re being ridiculous.”
He looked down at me through the shadows, his intense yet open eyes drinking me in and making me feel more than a little giddy. I’d been deprived of him for a week. Now the shock of him made me drunk. I was drowning. I wanted him to look at me like that forever, but he broke contact, pushing his hand back through his hair.
I reminded myself that I was still a little annoyed at him and looked away.
“I know it’s selfish of me and so unfair, since I had a choice in our marriage and you didn’t but…but…” his words trailed off as he whispered my name, “Sophie.” The way he said it felt like a caress, and I shivered.
The last of my reluctance vanished. I so desperately wanted things to be all right between us again. I turned to face him fully and took both of his hands. Warmth flooded me as our fingers interlocked. “Kasten, I promise there has only been one man I have ever had feelings for.”
His eyes narrowed a fraction, and he stepped closer so our hands were crushed between us. “Who?”
I shook my head at his foolishness. “You, of course.”
He froze and blinked as if he couldn’t comprehend what I was saying. “Even this last week? Even when I made you angry yesterday?”
“Yes.”
I registered each of his breaths becoming deeper under our entwined hands. My mouth became so dry, I could no longer wet my lips.
“And you mean that? You’re not just saying that because it’s your duty as my wife?”
“I mean that,” I whispered, my words incapable of gaining true sound. “I’ve never had feelings for anyone but you.”
He closed his eyes and exhaled, looking down for a moment. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for yesterday when I charged in and acted like an idiot. I’m sorry I made you feel small and weak. I’ll help you show your family that you’re beyond their power. Next time, we can make a plan together.”
I nodded, a weight lifting from my chest. “Thank you.”
“Sophie, you are…you are…” He exhaled again and shook his head as if to clear it. “There’s been something I’ve been wanting to tell you. Since the moment I first saw you in Trembok gardens, you’ve haunted my dreams, my thoughts—distracted me endlessly. That is why I married you. Not out of pity or because I thought you were weak and needed protecting, but because you are the most beautiful person I have ever witnessed. You are everything I ever wanted. And I feel like you’re everything I shouldn’t have.” His eyes were half tortured, half longing as they tore into my soul. “You are so perfect. Somebody like me shouldn’t even touch you. Somebody drenched in blood and chased by death. A bastard who is so universally rejected, his own father is trying to kill him.”
I gripped his hands tightly, the venom in his words bringing tears to my eyes. I longed to truly soothe his soul and its endless well of pain. “You, Kasten Batton, are the bravest, strongest man I’ve ever known. And it is my greatest honor to be your wife. I will strive every day to be worthy of you and of your people.”
His lips tightened and he looked away for a moment as if my words were too much for him to take, before he dragged his eyes back to mine. “You don’t find me weak?”
I gaped at him. “Of course not.”
He looked down again. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “For all the death and danger, for the risks you have to take.”
I shook my head. “They’re not your fault, and I want to be a part of them. My life has always been full of danger.”
“Hopefully, not for much longer.” He raised his eyes and didn’t speak for a moment. “I’ve missed you this week, Sophie. Having you so close yet barely seeing you has been torture. I want to make life better for us from now on.”
An apology and excuse started on my lips, but then I stopped, knowing it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. “I’ve missed you too.”
He reached up his hand and ever so slowly ran the back of his knuckles down my cheek. They hooked under my chin and tilted my face up. I forgot how to breathe as his face moved closer.
“Do I have permission?” he whispered so quietly I almost didn’t hear.
I nodded, and he lowered his lips to mine. This time the kiss was much longer and sweeter. His hand stayed, lifting my chin as his fingers grazed my throat, and I wondered if he could feel my racing pulse. His other hand cupped the small of my back. He was before and behind me, hemming me in, and for the first time in my life, held by those strong but achingly gentle arms, I felt completely safe.
I never wanted him to let me go again.