35. Sophie
Callum nudged me. I blinked as I was abruptly dragged from my dark thoughts and turned sluggishly from where I was sitting at the worktable. I hadn’t even noticed him come in.
He grinned before throwing back the heavy velvet curtains and turning off the kryalcomy lamps. I squinted in the sudden sunlight. I didn’t understand how he was so energetic in the mornings when he frequently worked late at night.
He looked out across the castle gardens. “What time did you come here to still have the curtains drawn?”
I blinked in the sudden sunlight. “I couldn’t sleep. Maybe five o’clock?”
He looked at my table, and I knew what he was thinking. The pestle and mortar lay discarded though I was only halfway through grinding a batch of pinkseed, and my notebook was unopened. I checked the small wooden clock on the wall. I had very little to show for four hours of work. Maybe Callum saw me as someone to pity too.
I had set up my own workshop in the empty east wing of the second floor. It was far enough from the gardens to be a little inconvenient, but I liked the privacy, the proximity to my rooms for working late at night or early morning, and knowing I could truly make my own without imposing on anyone. I felt safe in this small room with its mismatched glass apparatus and small fire.
I was forming a sanctuary here. The day after the ball, the darkness and self-loathing had been too great for me to even get out of bed. I had just lain there in in Highfair, staring at the ceiling, knowing it would only further cement Kasten’s perception of me: someone weak to be pitied. Every time I closed my eyes, I’d seen Father’s leering face. Coming back to Kasomere had been hard. Creating my workshop had given me a sense of purpose again after days of merely existing. An escape.
Callum sat beside me, leaning his head on his arm as he regarded me. “Have you eaten breakfast yet? Mind if I join you?”
Breakfast. I hadn’t even registered that I was hungry.
I shook my head. “Not at all. But we’ll need to eat at the other table. It wouldn’t be good if you got a bit of pinkseed in your food by accident. You might be sleeping all day.”
Callum snorted. “Wouldn’t be the first time, though I prefer if alcohol is the cause. I’ll summon some food and be right back.”
I returned to grinding the pinkseed, glad that Callum was here to stop me losing focus again. Kasten needed the best sedative possible to safely transport the halfsouls. I didn’t have time to indulge in self-pity. I had only one week before Kasten would have to return to Adenburg for campaign planning. I would miss him. But I missed him already, even though he was in the same house.
I sighed and shook myself as Callum re-entered with freshly baked bread and a wheel of soft cheese along with a bowl of fruit. “I ended up just collecting something from the kitchens. Smells divine, doesn’t it?” He made a show of sniffing the air above the bread.
I smiled and left the worktable to wash my hands. “It does. Thank you, Callum.”
We settled down to eat.
Callum was studying me between mouthfuls. “Have you spoken to Kasten yet?”
I shook my head. I hadn’t spoken to my husband since the king’s party, although he occupied my thoughts every second of the day. I just couldn’t face him right now. My own feelings were too confused.
He shrugged. “He’s been keeping himself busy preparing for the campaign, but if you wanted to, you know, accidentally run into him, just let me know.”
I concentrated on tearing the soft bread and wiping powdery flour from my lips.
A knock on the door startled me. Nobody else ever came here.
I swallowed down my mouthful. “Yes?”
Meena opened the door to reveal a worried-looking Beatrice. Behind her was a guard dressed in the city guard uniform.
Beatrice bobbed a curtsy. “My lady, you have a visitor coming. He’s being held at the city gates in case you want them to send him away.”
I stood, my heart rate increasing. “Who?”
It’s…it’s your brother again. George Halfield.”
Callum stood abruptly and swore. “She only just saw him last week. The nerve of that man!” He turned to me. “Just send him away, Sophie. You don’t need to deal with him again.”
I took a sip of juice and found it hard to swallow. I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to face George right now. I was still recovering from seeing Father. “Did he say why he was visiting?”
Beatrice nodded. “A social visit.”
Callum slumped back in his chair with his hands raised in the air. “This is getting ridiculous. This can’t continue or Kasten will end up murdering somebody.”
I held up my hand to give myself space to think. Callum was right. This couldn’t continue, and this was my chance after failing to stand up to them at the ball. I was sick of being small and weak. I didn’t want to feel like I was drowning in darkness again. And that meant I needed to finish this.
There had to be a reason he was visiting Kasomere again when I’d been so blunt with him last time. George and Father were up to something, and I would probably be the best person to work out what. Whatever it was would likely be dangerous for Kasten. They had stolen Frederick’s lands, and I was certain they wanted Kasomere too.
Determination started to seep through my nerves, and I sat taller. I could protect Kasten. I could show George I was too strong for their games now, and he would report it back to Father. Then they would leave us alone.
I met Callum’s eyes. “I’ll see him. They’ll never leave me alone if they think I’m prey.” I clenched my hands into fists. “I can’t hide behind walls or Kasten any longer.”
Callum frowned and lowered his voice for my ears alone. “Sophie, I’m not sure this is a good idea. Kasten left predawn with half the regiment to do maneuvers in the fields around Kasomere. I don’t know when he’ll be back.”
I blew out a breath and found the last scraps of my strength. “Send a messenger for him. He can join us when he’s ready.” I turned to Beatrice. “Tell the guards to escort George to the castle and that I will see him. Don’t give any of his companions the opportunity to look around the city or the castle.”
Beatrice bobbed a curtsy. “He will take about half an hour to arrive.”
I nodded and turned to Callum. “Thank you for breakfast. I should go and make myself presentable.”
“But Sophie, you’ve barely eaten anything.” Concern was clear on his face. “You didn’t eat dinner yesterday either.”
I smiled at him. “I’m sorry. The bread was delicious.”
As I turned to leave, my heart thudded. I needed to get ready to face my fear and never feel so helpless again.
Kasten
Normally returningto Kasomere felt like returning home. But not this time. Not when Sophie hadn’t spoken to me for a week.
I entered the castle after six hours of practicing troop maneuvers around our castle. I was tired but didn’t draw strength from my reserve. I knew the danger of becoming too reliant on them. My body needed to be resilient enough to cope without it, and the surge of fresh strength could become addictive. I knew too well how easy it could be to run out in real battles. I didn’t want my body to be unprepared.
The tiredness was also a good distraction from Sophie. I was pretty sure she was avoiding me, and it was killing me. Before she’d even had the courage to come to my office. She’d initiated our kiss. Now I barely even glimpsed her in the garden, and when I did, her head was bowed and her hands clasped in her skirts. The day after the ball, she’d been ill, keeping to her room all day and not leaving her bed. She’d been quiet all the way back to Kasomere. Her maids had said she needed rest, but her beautiful smile and unbreakable joy had vanished.
I wasn’t sure why she wouldn’t talk to me, but I was certain this was all the result of seeing her father. I knew too well the drowning darkness and self-hatred that could rise up from seeing the person who should love you but destroyed you instead. How I wanted to kill that man. But I knew Sophie didn’t want me to make a move against him. My anger was best directed into fuel for training my men for the next campaign.
However, she still visited and talked with Callum. That bothered me more than it should. They seemed to connect in a way I couldn’t. I knew I should be glad that she had somebody to confide in, but I wished that person was me.
I missed her so much, it physically hurt. I hadn’t even known such a thing was possible, especially when we had spent little time together. It was like that dance where we came so close to touching, but never actually did until it had driven me mad. I wanted her to stumble into my arms again so I could finally feel her beneath my fingertips. But was that purely selfish? Was she safer this way, kept at a distance from all the pain I might cause her?
I thought of her blank face as she walked through the gardens, and my heart clenched. No. I didn’t want her to be in this state, but I didn’t know how to free her from it either. How could I when I so often felt trapped in my own dark thoughts and feelings of helplessness?
And in one week, I’d be back at the palace, planning another reckless campaign I might not return from. When I died, I would simply be replaced by Prince Stirling. The war against Kollenstar would go on and on. Kasomere troops would continue to be sent to die, and Sophie would be left vulnerable, protecting secrets that everyone was trying to find out.
Why had I ever allowed myself to think this relationship might work? The closer we got, the harder it would be for her when I died.
But I didn’t want to die. Not anymore. My instincts rebelled against the inevitability of it.
I cursed and paused to lean against the wall, dragging in deep breaths to calm myself. All I wanted was for her to be happy. I needed her to be happy.
I closed my eyes and let my mind go blank. My circular thoughts weren’t helping anyone. All they did was highlight my own powerlessness.
I waited for my heart to calm and the pressure in my head to lessen, before slowly heading up the stairs to the fourth floor to bathe, my muscles protesting with every step. My mind only stayed blank for a moment before the fears began to rise again. I shouldn’t have married her. I hadn’t even kept her safe from her father. I swallowed down my rising nausea.
“Kasten!” I looked up as Callum’s steps hurried down the stairs. “Kasten, you’re back. George Halfield arrived at the castle half an hour ago. Sophie is seeing him in the blue sitting room. I said she could wait for your return, but she was determined to see him straightaway on her own.”
I gaped at him, my pulse pounding in my ears. It had barely been a week since George had last seen her, and she still hadn’t recovered from that.
My rage grew despite my exhaustion. “Why didn’t you send for me?”
He shook his head with a helpless expression. “I sent Finley, but clearly, he didn’t find you. You were miles out.”
I tugged off my filthy coat but kept my sword belt in place. “What does George Halfield think he’s doing? I’m not even away this time. Does he really think he can distress Sophie in front of me and get away with it?” I should have been firmer with them at the palace.
I turned and started back down the stairs to the sitting room, anger making me forget my aching muscles. I clenched my sword.
Callum hurried to catch up. “Kasten, calm down. Remember he’s her brother. He said it was merely a social visit.”
I snarled. “He’s as much a brother to her as Prince Stirling is to me. Why was he even let into the castle?”
Callum grabbed my sleeve. “Kasten, seriously, calm down.”
I pushed him free and stormed to the room, flinging open the doors.
George sat on one sofa drinking tea. Sophie sat opposite him with a fake smile and rigid posture. She’d even dressed up in pale blue chiffon to receive him. Why did she let him have such a hold over her?
Pressed against the back wall were both of Sophie’s maids and Meena. They simultaneously turned to me with worried looks before bowing their heads.
Sophie stood at my entrance. “Kasten, George is here to pay a surprise visit.”
I couldn’t help but assess her for a moment. It had been too long since she’d been this close, and despite the threat, my heart rate accelerated upon seeing her. Her cheeks looked drawn, and she was more pale than usual, her eyes only going as far up as my collar rather than meeting mine. She was achingly beautiful but appeared fragile. Would she be even more withdrawn after today? Was I going to lose her completely after we had come so far?
The young man opposite her stood and bowed to me before looking me up and down. His eyes took in my disheveled appearance and the mud on my boots, which was now making a mess of the carpets. His lips twitched in the faintest sign of disapproval. I rested one of my hands on my sword hilt.
Sophie’s voice was tight, her eyes still not meeting mine. “Why don’t you go and clean up, then we can all have tea?”
I frowned at George as he sat back down. “Why are you here? And unannounced?”
He licked his lips and smoothed back his brown hair before resting his hands on a cane. “It’s primarily a social visit, General, to see my dear sister.” He nodded at Sophie. “But I also wondered if you would consider a business proposal from our father.” He bent down to take some papers from a briefcase.
I folded my arms. “I have no intention of considering any business arrangements, and your presence here is clearly making my wife uncomfortable.”
George licked his lips, taken aback. I supposed he wasn’t used to people talking bluntly to him. He lifted the papers weakly toward Sophie. “If you don’t even consider these arrangements, Father will be very displeased. He will?—”
I took a menacing step forward. “Get out of my house.”
Sophie stood up. “Kasten!”
George looked between me and Sophie. “I am a guest of my sister. Surely, we can negotiate?—”
I loomed over him, and he shrank back on the sofa, tilting his teacup enough to spill hot liquid on his lap.
“Do you know what we do to Kollenstar prisoners? The ones who still have emotions? How we interrogate them when they’re already used to so much cruelty?”
I raised an eyebrow when he didn’t reply, forcing an answer from him.
He startled. “I…I can imagine.”
I pursed my lips. “Oh, no you can’t. I’m surprised at how few people know the details. The screams are so loud, I would have thought every man in the field could hear them and work at least some of it out.”
The man grew white as he shrank down another inch. I stepped closer until our lower legs touched. “It takes a lot of skill to know how to negotiate with a monster to get what you need.” I grinned at him. “Are you sure you want to give it a go?”
The man scrambled off the sofa, his teacup clattering to the marble floor.
I sighed as if disappointed. “No? Then you have five seconds to get out of my house. One.”
The man fell to the floor and scrambled on his hands and knees to the door.
“Two.”
The poor fool took three attempts to open the handle. I grinned. It was a pity Callum was missing this.
“Three.”
A strangled noise left his throat as he took off down the hall.
I crossed my arms and shook my head. That piece of work deserved something far worse. How dare he come in here and play games with my wife? He’d made her suffer enough.
I turned to Sophie. My heart dropped as I saw her staring into her teacup, which she held in a white-knuckled grip. I must have scared her. I hadn’t intended for her to see that side of me.
I gentled my voice, though rage and adrenaline still surged through my veins. I so desperately wanted us to start talking again. “Sophie…”
She put down her cup and stood up abruptly, finally raising her eyes to mine. She didn’t seem scared or horrified. Instead, she looked annoyed. Angry even.
Angry at me.
“Why did you have to do that, Kasten?”
What? I scratched the back of my neck. “He dared to come in here and tried to manipulate you. He was on the edge of threatening you. He was lucky I let him leave alive.”
She stepped up to me, her body rigid with anger. “He came here to speak to me. He was my challenge. I value your support, and I was glad to have you with me when you entered the room, but I am not completely helpless. I’m not just someone to be pitied and protected. That was my chance, Kasten! My chance to find out what they’re up to and tell them I want nothing more to do with their games. If you always assume I’m weak, I’ll never have the chance to grow strong.”
She was finally close. Staring at me in determination and anger, she looked magnificent. I couldn’t remember the last time somebody had the courage to stand up to me like this.
“Sophie, you’re so beautiful,” I whispered. I stepped closer to her, reaching out to encircle her waist. I was desperate to feel her beneath my fingers after a week without her. I needed to breathe her in, to know she was truly all right.
Instead of melting into my embrace as she had done before, she shoved me back. Hard. I was so surprised, I even stepped back.
If she was angry before, she looked furious now. “You’re not listening to me, Kasten!”
Before I could respond, she stormed from the room. I stared after her in shock. I had never seen her this angry. I wasn’t even sure what I had done wrong.
A surge of panic rose inside me. What if our relationship was already over and I hadn’t realized it? There were so many things she had a right to be angry about. She hadn’t asked to be married to me. She hadn’t asked to be brought into any of this.
And she’d implied that I made her feel weak and someone to be pitied. That hadn’t been my intention at all.
I took a swig of whiskey from my flask and gave myself a few heartbeats to calm down and think. Before, I would have left her to the maids who knew the right thing to say. Let them comfort her. But I’d given her space for a week already, and it only seemed to make her angrier. I didn’t want to leave her like this when I was the one who had upset her. I was trying to be a better husband, after all.
Listen. She wanted me to listen to her. I could do that.
I entered the corridor where Lucy was waiting to one side. “She went that way, toward the conservatory, my lord,” she whispered without meeting my eyes. “Beatrice is with her.”
I’d never been so grateful to those maids. “Thank you.”
I strode to the conservatory. My anger at our ‘guest’ had almost evaporated, but now guilt and worry replaced it. Was I ever going to learn not to hurt her?
The glass doors into the conservatory were locked, but I could spot her on the marble bench between enormous ferns in gold urns. She was pressing a handkerchief to her eyes, but her back was rigid and tense. Beatrice hovered just behind her, giving her space.
By the kingdoms, I’d made her cry.
The familiar self-hatred welled up from inside me, thick and clogging and dark.
I shifted my stance and wondered if breaking the door to let myself in would be appropriate. Probably not. She’d locked the door. She wanted space from me. The knowledge hurt, but I could respect it.
I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. The glass wasn’t thick. She could probably still hear me. “Sophie?”
She stilled but didn’t turn.
“When you’re ready to talk, I’ll listen.”
She didn’t turn, and I felt like a fool who didn’t know the right words to say.
“Sophie, I don’t protect you because you’re fragile. I protect you because you’re worth more to me than anything else. I already know that you’re strong.”
Her shoulders started to shake even harder. I rubbed my lips and waited, hoping she would turn and face me, shout at me, be angry. Anything. But she didn’t move.
I waited half an hour in silence, but she didn’t turn, the glass an endless invisible wall between us.
I couldn’t live like this. I had to fix our marriage, whether that was selfish or not. I wanted us to be happy together because that’s what she had wanted. And to not cause her pain, I couldn’t die in a pointlessly reckless campaign. I couldn’t play along with the king and Lord Lyrason until one of them succeeded in getting me killed.
I had to live for her.
Determination stirred in me as I turned my back on Sophie to return to my rooms. She hated weakness. I could see that now. And I had made her feel weak when she needed to be strong. Next time, I would help prove how strong she was to her family. But first, I would find the words to tell her how I truly felt because she had assumed wrong. I didn’t pity her. I admired her.
Then I had to stop being weak, so I could create a future for us and protect her. This was finally something I could fight for without bitterness. I wanted to live, and I wanted to be free of all this darkness. Sophie deserved that and so much more, and I would give her everything.