January 15
I couldn’t go out. I wanted to, but I just couldn’t.
I didn’t want to overwrite my memories of places in Phuket that I’d been to with Amit.
It would hurt too much to be in those places and see us sitting there enjoying the present as if there was no tomorrow.
But tomorrow had come and there I was, alone, without him.
It’s surreal to realize that memories are no longer reality; there’s a missing variable and the equation will never be solved again.
The world would never be whole again. How can paradise turn to hell just because one person is no longer present?
I was in a taxi on my way to meet Keren at Green Café; I picked this place.
It was a vegan restaurant, so Amit and I had never even considered going there.
I’d messaged her that I wanted to meet, and she’d replied right away.
I needed to talk to someone sympathetic and Keren was the only person I could think of.
She was already sitting at a table outside when I arrived, a giant fan behind her keeping the scorching heat from cooking her alive.
She stood up and gave me a big hug. It wasn’t a follower hug; we’d moved past that.
It was a hug between two friends who needed each other.
“Is it alright outside? Inside’s full. It’s a good restaurant!” Keren said after we let go of each other, giving my taste in vegan restaurants her seal of approval.
“Yes. Seems fine.” I looked up – there was a roof above us in case it started to over-the-top rain.
Keren watched me as I looked at the tofu-heavy menu.
“What?” I said with a smile as if I was in a great mood and looking forward to trying new dishes made from plant-based proteins.
“Nothing. It’s good to see you. You haven’t posted anything since… you know.”
“It’s only been a few days. I didn’t disappear for months.”
“True, but your followers have gotten used to a sign of life almost every day and I think they’ve noticed something’s up.
“What can I get you?” the server asked. We ordered. I decided on spaghetti Napolitana, hoping it wouldn’t taste vegan.
The server went off. I was quiet. I didn’t buy that Keren cared about my story right now, but I didn’t know how to start talking about my state of mind. She helped.
“Look, it’s hard for me too, and for Naama and Eli. We all miss him and hope we’ll see him again soon.”
“You don’t think he’ll stay there forever?”
“I don’t know. Depends on how he and his mom get along. Aren’t you talking to him?”
“No. He didn’t want to stay in touch. He was angry and I don’t blame him.
But, you know, I never promised him we’d always be in the same place at the same time.
I’m a nomad and I can’t promise anything.
It was different with him though. Every moment felt timeless.
It’s just… I suppose I thought we’d say goodbye on my terms, with some advance warning.
Not so suddenly – especially with him heading for the place that I ran away from.
The only place I’m not willing to go back to. ”
“Not even if it means losing him?”
I couldn’t answer that. I hadn’t yet accepted the loss.
I still felt like I was about to come up with a solution to the problem.
Any minute now, we’d get to have it all and ride off in a carriage into the sunset.
That’s how it had felt from the start. Yes, thoughts about the future popped up, but every time I thought about Amit, dreamed about him, saw him, talked to him on the phone, those thoughts disappeared and I was filled with a euphoria that I couldn’t get enough of.
I wanted to know him, to experience as much as we could together in the limited time we had – including doing things like getting a haircut and going to renew a visa.
Sitting on the rocks at Ya Nui Beach, I knew I didn’t want to waste a minute of our time together.
But even more, I wanted every minute to be real, no masks.
Despite all his doubts and fears, I was grateful he had given me a chance.
But that’s also why I feel so guilty now.
In the end I decided not to go with him to New York, but it wasn’t because of money, fame, or my career. It was something else altogether.
“If I went back to New York I’d have to give up being a nomad.
I’ve been a nomad for two years now and it’s been a perfect fit, my chosen path.
Amit wouldn’t want to be with a dull Daniel – or any Daniel other than the one he met in Thailand.
Different places make us different people – whether it’s Brazil, Spain, Israel or Thailand.
Relationships don’t often survive across continents.
I’ve heard so many stories about that. It’s tragic that location can ruin good relationships. ”
Keren’s eyes were sad. I could see she hadn’t given up though.
“Maybe the standard success stories can only happen in a specific place and time. But maybe your story isn’t standard – maybe it’s an Oscar-winning, confusing, extraordinary story in which you rise above everything and fly off together forever.
I really think your story is like that. People may not understand how the hell it happened, but your story will rise above anytime, anywhere. ”
“Thanks, Keren. But I’ve already given up. I didn’t come to ask you for hope. I came to ask if you had advice about how to move on, without him.” I didn’t believe myself, but maybe if I said it enough times…
“I can’t believe I’m the one telling you this, because I’d like you to stay here forever, but we’re friends now and, as your friend, I want what’s best for you.
You’re a nomad, so go. Go somewhere else, make new memories, see beautiful places, maybe also beautiful people.
Make new connections, new stories. You know this better than I do.
I’m just reminding you.” Keren wiped her eyes with her napkin.
“Thanks for reminding me, Keren. You’re right. That’s what I need to do.”
“I’ll miss you.”
“And I’ll miss you. You should be more active on Instagram!”
“Oh my god, do you follow me?” She pulled out her phone and saw I’d requested to follow her.
I laughed at how excited she was. It was so easy to make her happy. I wish it was that easy for me to be happy.
The spaghetti was surprisingly good, and we talked about lighter things – Instagram and beautiful places in Phuket. We pondered where I’d go to next. She recommended – from experience – Koh Phangan and the Full Moon Party.
We hugged as I got into the taxi and Keren whispered in my ear:
“I know you were lying. You haven’t given up on him. Don’t. You’ll find a way.”
I gave her a tight-lipped smile and got in the car.