January 18
I boarded my flight to Ko Samui – the first leg of my journey to Koh Phangan.
The truth is I’d been a wreck the past few days – my sleepless mind flooded with thoughts and memories.
But now that I was on the plane to a promising destination that Keren had recommended, I felt the flicker of something new.
Yes, I had this awful feeling, however irrational, that by leaving Phuket it was as if I was abandoning Amit forever, despite the fact that he wasn’t actually there anymore; yet I felt a spark of hope at starting over in a new place that had inspired many stories – at least on social media.
I was in a window seat, focused on the view, but I felt someone looking at me. I turned and a Thai guy, younger than I was, was staring at me openly. It was a bit uncomfortable because we were so close to each other. It looked like he was hesitant to talk to me, so I broke the ice.
“Umm. Can I help you?”
“Daniel, right?” He knew my name!
“Good guess,” I answered, and he laughed.
“Sorry to intrude. It wasn’t a guess. I follow you on Instagram. You probably don’t recognize me. I’m Wind.”
“Nice to meet you.” I smiled at him, thinking that was more than enough small talk, but…
“We’re pretty similar, you know… both gay.”
For a moment I thought that was a terrible come-on line, but he went on.
“But we’re also exact opposites. You came to Thailand from the U.S., and I want to go to the U.S. from Thailand. My family tried to talk me out of it, but it’s my dream. Did you dream of going to Thailand?”
“I had a lot of dreams, but I didn’t really tell anyone about them.”
“Smart. I share too much.” I couldn’t have agreed with him more.
“But your family…” I started to say.
“That’s exactly the point. They only care about history, culture and tradition.
I’m sick of it. Everyone’s living in the past, like the walking dead.
There are ghosts in the houses here, and in the people who live in them, but not in my soul.
I think the ghosts are afraid of what they’d find in there.
I want a future, a better future for myself.
I’m gay. I can’t get married here. I don’t need any more proof that I don’t belong, that so many of us don’t belong.
I’m not a social justice warrior. I just want to live my dreams. Should I be ashamed of that?
Even if I love men, I’m still a real man and I like that.
I like being who I am and I’m proud of it.
I don’t want to be another person complaining about politics and rights.
I haven’t got time for that – it’s boring and depressing.
The world is open to me, and I can choose a place that is good for me and people like me. Why not do it?”
He’d obviously thought about this a lot, given the frustration in his voice. Sometimes I wondered about the effects of being an influencer and it seemed like I had represented something for him – perhaps living proof that dreams can come true.
“I didn’t know gays couldn’t get married in Thailand. In Phuket it seemed like the gay community had total freedom.”
“Yes, that’s what it looks like from the outside, but there are many kinds of discrimination – for example not being able to marry.
They teach us to respect the other, but no one respects us.
People think we should be satisfied with living here and paying taxes like everyone else.
Be grateful, it’s rude to think of leaving because of a little issue like marriage – though they would kill for it.
I can’t live with the hypocrisy anymore. ”
I thought about how terrible life in New York had been for me.
I was pretty sure I had felt even more frustrated than Wind did.
No, it wasn’t just being misunderstood – that would be an understatement.
Invisible? Transparent? It had felt like everyone around me was wearing sunglasses to filter out the ultra-violet rays emanating from my being.
I tried to hide it, but light radiates even during a solar eclipse, or in the shade.
The people around me protected themselves from me, saw only what they wanted to.
Eventually, I understood that I couldn’t keep my light hidden any more.
Even if they perceived it as dangerous – for their eyes, their skin, their souls – it was part of me.
Their fear of being blinded by my light kept them from understanding that they were already blind.
“I really wanted to say this to you. I’m a nobody, but you have influence. You’re a digital nomad challenging fundamental norms, with a lot of followers. You can change the world!” said Wind.
He couldn’t have been more wrong.
“I can’t influence the world. Nomads travel, but without leaving a trace.
We’re not supposed to influence the character and culture of the places we visit briefly.
We may be anarchists by definition but we’re not trying to create anarchy.
We just want the freedom to enjoy the organized and digitized world we have.
We’re rebels who don’t call for rebellion.
We’re a minority, but not one fighting for its rights.
We’re chaos contained within an ordered world. ”
He looked skeptical and I wanted him to know that he had a lot more power than I did, so I continued.
“I may be an influencer, but I’m not supposed to influence the really important issues outside the U.S.
I live consciously in this paradox. But it’s not the same as knowing, as gays, that the world has to change.
I have no right to demand change in Thailand, but you do.
You have much more strength and influence in your own country than I do.
Maybe you see me as someone with a strong sense of self who knows how to get what he wants, but that’s just how it looks on Instagram.
My life is a punching bag. Sometimes there are periods of peace when no one is bashing at me.
But then another gym rat comes along and wallops me. ”
I saw comprehension dawn on his face. He’d seen my post with Amit and now he saw me flying alone. Before he could ask the question I didn’t want to hear, I went on.
“What I’m trying to say is, don’t look to other people for answers.
It’s good that you share a lot because anyone who is willing and able to help you will know how.
But the incentive and energy to find your own path is only inside you – in the same soul that ghosts fear to enter because they might be consumed by the passion it holds.
You haven’t tapped into all your energy yet, but when you start down the path that is truly right for you, you will.
Then you’ll know you’re on the right track, even if the outcome isn’t always in your favor. ”
Wind embraced me suddenly and I was taken aback.
I didn’t know exactly what I’d said, or if I believed myself.
The words just came pouring out. I’d have to consider them later because I didn’t think they would have occurred to me if I was on my own.
Wind pulled those words from me and maybe they were what he needed to hear.
It had happened to me a lot, all over the world.
Every person had drawn a different Daniel from me.
Sometimes I used words that weren’t ones I uttered often; sometimes I recalled memories I didn’t know I had.
Every time I thought I was starting to understand myself, I found out something new and was reminded that this journey is endless.