January 28
I was at the beach where the Full Moon Party happens, the one everyone told me I had to go to in Thailand.
But there was no full moon and very few people.
The sun hadn’t set, and it was hot under the umbrella, but I didn’t want to sit in a closed space.
After the silent week I’d been through I wanted human conversation, no screens or messages.
I was sick of silence, of remembering and thinking.
I uploaded a story to Instagram, announcing where I was and inviting everyone to come.
I’d never done that, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
I was interested to find out how many followers I had in Koh Phangan and how many would take the time to come.
I was also a little afraid of them coming.
Would they still follow me if they knew me outside of Instagram?
Amit once thought I was shallow because of Instagram, and I wondered if he’d been right.
Maybe I was, and they were about to find out.
It never hurt my feelings when he said it, but I had worried it would make him keep his distance.
In the end, Instagram really did put distance between us.
Keren immediately sent a message with a crying emoji, and she wasn’t the only one.
I looked around, as if someone was about to come running, but all I saw was a rainbow pride flag that I hadn’t noticed before.
I started to absorb that nobody was coming and I should just have an early night, but then I saw two smiling girls approaching.
I looked back to make sure they were coming toward me and not someone else (that would be embarrassing). There was no one behind me.
“OMG!”
I stood up to greet them and they came straight in for a hug. I was a bit surprised but happy to be hugged, even by strangers. Actually they weren’t really strangers. They were Thai.
“Can we sit with you?”
“Sure!”
“I’m Gift and this is Em, my friend. How cool that you’re in Koh Phangan. We didn’t know!”
I remembered that I hadn’t posted the clip from the coffee shop – I’d lost interest.
“We really love your stories, but you’ve been so quiet this month!” she said stated firmly in a heavy Thai accent. I defended myself.
“I needed a little quiet time to myself.”
“Aah. What happened?” They asked in unison.
Before I could answer, a boyish European guy popped up and gave me a warm hug.
We were just greeting each other when more and more people started arriving.
We formed a big circle on beach mats laid out on the sand; about twenty people, mainly women, from almost every continent.
I was touched that they’d come to meet me.
It made me feel worthy, which was something Amit had talked about wanting.
But I wasn’t the focus. People just chatted with one another – perhaps throwing me the occasional glance or smile.
“Daniel, can I ask you a personal question?” said the European guy who showed up after Gift and Em. His name was… oh… it’s gone. Too many people all at once. The circle went quiet at his question.
“Um. It depends how personal; my underwear size is classified information.”
Everyone laughed, but the guy was serious.
“Ok, I’ll ask, and you just say if it’s too personal. That photo of you with a guy… Was that your coming out?”
I didn’t invite you here to talk about that – is what I wanted to say. But I said, “Basically, yes. That’s how my family and friends found out. But since I became a nomad I haven’t tried to hide anything.”
“So you were only in the closet in New York?” These guys knew a lot about me.
“You could say that. To say that it sucked would be an understatement. I felt like no one understood me, alone in the world even though I was surrounded by people. Like an alien disguised as an ordinary human. The gray hair that gets tucked behind the dark hair. That’s why I’ve never wanted to go back there. ”
“And where’s the guy?”
Suddenly I wished they’d all disappear and leave me alone.
“In New York.”
They collectively sucked in their breaths.
No one asked the obvious questions; afraid they were too personal. It was nice of them, but I have nothing to hide. Not anymore.
“Since Amit went to New York and we broke up, I’ve felt alone.
I thought I could keep living the way I had before I met him, traveling the world and meeting new people.
I’m here with you wonderful people, thankful that you came, but I’m still alone.
It’s as if this evening is meaningless if Amit isn’t part of it – if he isn’t part of me. ”
The group was quiet.
“So what you’re saying is…” a girl with purple hair (ok, so I’m bad with names) said hesitantly, “the minute he went there, the whole world became New York and New York became the whole world.”
“Holy shit,” someone said but I paid no attention. I was thinking about what she’d said.
“You’re right. My whole world changed because of one person, but I haven’t changed yet.”
“Yes you have. You just don’t know it yet. All your followers have noticed.” said a young Australian guy.
Everyone nodded.
“No. I’m still the same old coward.”
They disagreed.
“A coward wouldn’t have come out the way you did.”
“I know people who were inspired by your coming out and did the same.”
“Your photos and clips inspired me to travel and share my experiences with the whole world.”
They went on and on until I had to say something to shut them up.
“If I go back to New York, I won’t be posting on Instagram anymore.”
There was silence.
“I’ll be so happy for you. We’ll find someone to replace you on Instagram – though we’ll miss you,” said a smiling Latin girl with a red pouch. “But you won’t find a replacement for Amit.”
Everyone nodded.