Chapter 30
Beck
I’m in hell. That has to be the only logical explanation. My panic attack has reached new levels of drowning. I can feel the weight of the pain of knowing I won’t see my mom again waiting to finally crash down and simply end me.
The lump in my throat is astronomical. All I can do is stare off into the void as I listen to the nurses as they do their jobs.
The headache she mentioned last night only got worse and worse. They did everything to keep her as comfortable as possible, but about two hours after I got here, she passed in her sleep.
Her head nurse, Jamie, assured me that because of the care I was able to provide, she truly believes my mom had one of the most peaceful final stages of early-onset that she’s ever worked.
Not that it makes me feel anything other than this immeasurable pain in my chest—it’s the least I could have done for her.
When they started work on her postmortem care, I somehow ended up in her spot on the couch.
“Here.” My dad holds out a cup of coffee. I don’t even think about reaching out and taking it, but my disinterest only spurs him on. “It wasn’t a question, son. I’ll get you anything else if that’s it, but you’re fucking drinking something.”
“I feel like I’ll throw up anything I drink, Dad, just…please—not right now.”
The sigh he lets out tells me more than enough. “Fine, then humor me and hold it.”
There’s zero energy in me to argue so I take it.
He takes the seat next to me.
He leans back in the seat with a sigh as he shuts his eyes. I know he’s got to be exhausted, I’m fucking drained myself but he seems to be holding it together way better than I am and it’s starting to piss me off.
“Dad, I don’t think I’ve taken a full breath since you called. I’m losing my fucking mind. How the fuck are you so calm right now?”
He doesn’t move, doesn’t even open his eyes when he says. “I’m just thinking of your mother. The first time we met. Our first date. The time she got us busted for making out in her car in a random field.”
I nearly laugh but it comes out more of a choked cry.
Dad finally sits back up, his hand lands on my shoulder.
“I’m an absolute wreck, but you know her, Beck, she’d hate this.
When your grandfather passed, all your mother did was talk and think of him the way he was before his diagnosis.
And she made me promise if this very thing happened that I would do the same.
“Beck, I’m going to miss her so much, but with the memories of her—having you—I can live for the both of us. She will always be with me, and I refuse to disappoint her by not continuing to be the husband and father she made me to be.”
“Fuck, Dad.” I hang my head. I know deep down he’s right. I hate that it’s taken me to this point to realize that I haven’t been the person she raised me to be. “I think I’ve disappointed her. I know she said she was proud of me earlier, but if she knew how I’ve felt—”
“No, you could never, she was always so proud of you. We both are.”
Setting the coffee down on the side table, I run my hands over my face. It’s more than that, and he knows it. “I should have brought Jensen here. She was home and I just…left.”
My dad lets out a slow breath. “Yeah, I’m not going to lie to you…Mom would hit you over the head right now for not bringing her with you, but she’s not disappointed in you.”
The memory of every tap to mine or Dad’s head every time we did something she deemed dumb plays in my head and this time I actually manage some form of a laugh. “Jensen would have loved her. I wanted to tell Mom about her today, but didn’t.”
“Mom would have loved her too, but more importantly, you love her. Want to tell me why you didn’t bring her with you?”
My knee starts to bounce with every excuse I think of, because I’m an idiot? Because it’s not her grief to deal with? But then I decide on the truth.
“I was so fucking terrified.” The lump in my throat comes up almost immediately.
“You were right,” I choke out. “All I had to do was try. I didn’t even realize I was…
until it was too far gone. I don’t see a life without her.
I love my friends, my team, the game, but there has never been a love that compared to my family until her. ”
Dad lets out a soft tsk. “You can’t be scared of love, Beck—”
“No, I’m not scared of loving her, it’s not that. I’m terrified of what loving me could mean for her. The moment I decided I was going to let that fear go…you called and then all of it came back…I couldn’t even tell her how I felt, Dad. She deserves more than that.”
Sitting up straight, I can’t decide if getting that out in the open has lifted some of this weight off my shoulder or made my looming panic attack worse.
“Beckham, you can’t always have this total control over your life. I don’t know how to help you see this, but you deserve more too. I’m not saying more from her, but you deserve the life you want. I won’t say you should’ve left the way you did, but you have to let go of this fear and guilt.”
I want to believe him, I really do. I’ve never thought I didn’t deserve my career or my friends, but my family is a whole other story.
It’s more than not seeing a life without her, it’s not being able to live without her.
But I was too fucking scared to tell her that, so I walked out the door because that felt easier.
Dad shakes my shoulder. “Life is unpredictable as is. It’s not always fair or forgiving, but you’ve found something incredible.
Do you think I deserved your mother? Deserved to have this incredible son with her?
I didn’t. I could hold on to that thinking if I wanted, but instead I count my fucking blessings.
It doesn’t matter if I truly deserved them or not, I got those decades with her.
I have you. So stop giving up on yourself.
Just live your life like your mother would have wanted. ”
I bury my face in my hands, letting out muffled curses.
Here I was about to place my anger on him for being calm and now I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling.
A small, pained laugh comes out when her voice from earlier comes in my head.
“She did say more men should listen to her, didn’t she? ”
“Never heard truer words. My life was better when I listened and did what she said.” Dad’s laugh comes out sounding slightly lighter than mine.
“I wasn’t always perfect at it, and it took me a minute to really figure that out.
Loving her is the easiest thing I ever did, but getting to have a life with her—even now, I’m still the luckiest guy in the world, all because of her. ”
I let out a breath with a heavy heart. “I’m going to miss her so fucking much.”
The hug he wraps me in nearly sends me over the edge. “I know, son, I will too, but you won’t have to go through this alone.”
I grip on to his arm trying to find any sort of grounding, and then there’s a knock at the door.
I swallow hard and finally find the strength to open my eyes. “That must be someone with the coroner’s office.”
With one more tight squeeze, Dad lets me go and we’re both on our feet. “I’ll go get it, you wait here.”
I should probably go with him, but I can’t seem to move to follow him. I can’t move, period. Can’t find the will to sit back down or take the step to actually be there for my dad.
That is, until I hear, “Beck?”
I’m not sure if I’m hallucinating or what, but at the sound of Jensen’s voice, I’m turning.
At the sight of her my feet move instantly. I wrap her in my arms and this still feels like a dream. It’s not until her sweet cherry blossom shampoo registers in my brain and her arms finally wrap around my back that it feels real.
“You’re here. You’re really here.”
“I’m here,” she whispers. “I’m here.”
I hold onto her, letting her presence fully consume me. For how long, I’m not sure, and eventually, I have to lean back to look at her face because some part of me still doesn’t believe it.
“You’re here,” I repeat.
Tears pool in her beautiful eyes and the softest smile comes to her face. “I’m here.” Reaching up, her thumb glides across my cheek wiping at the tears I didn’t even know we’re falling.
My dad claps my back before reaching to hug Jensen. “Thank you for coming.”
Her eyes flash to me, and I see all the pain I caused in them for the briefest second, but then it’s gone. “Of course, thank you for getting me here.”
“You did this?” I look to my dad—and he thinks he’s the luckiest man in the world…
“I told you, I won’t lose you too. I won’t let you self-destruct,” he says, so matter-of-fact that I feel the punch in the gut that it was meant to be. “I’ll let you two have a minute.”
I pull Jensen to me and give him a small nod. “Thank you…for everything.”
He drops his head with a small smile, then looks to Jensen. “Just so you know, his mom would not want you to let him get away with this easily. Give him hell, it’d make her proud.”
I feel Jensen’s muscles tense in my arms. She’s not going to want to do that, she’s going to let me get by without talking about this.
I wait for my dad to disappear into the kitchen then take a few short seconds more of holding her close. I press a kiss to her head. “He’s right, you know.”
“Beck,” she whispers. “Now’s not—”
I cut her off cradling her face in my hands. “No, now is just fine. Don’t tell me it’s okay. Force me to talk about this, like I do with you.”
I can practically see her thinking it through and god, am I so glad that I see that fight in her win. She pushes back out of my hold. “You said you were with me, Beck!”
Running her hands through her hair, she takes a slow breath. “I don’t know how to have this fight with you right now. And you know what, maybe I won’t. I won’t force you to talk about why you left. Don’t tell me your apologies or reasons, not now. I just want you to listen to me.”
Yep, Mom would have absolutely loved her.
Tears pool in her eyes, but they don’t fall.
My strong, stubborn girl knows I don’t deserve them, not right now.
“I love you, Beck. I know that wasn’t a part of our plan, but I do.
Coming here—after waking up alone—I have no regrets.
I’ve given this my all. You have me on every molecular level, but I won’t take your half. I deserve more.”
“Jen—” I want to agree with her, because I know she does, but she holds her hand up.
“I know you can’t give that right now, so I’ll make up for it because that’s what loving you has taught me. I’m here because I want to be by your side through this…” She pauses and pulls a folded piece of paper from her back pocket. “But I can’t know what this says until we’re back in Boston.”
Taking the note, I know she’s right. Even though I want to tell her everything—lay it all out there for her to know—I know why she wants to wait.
I dare a step closer and she doesn’t push back when I pull her back in. “Okay, Jen, I won’t say anything else, but I am sorry for leaving.” Placing a kiss to the top of her head, we stay there, wrapped up in each other’s arms until my dad comes back in, and it’s time for our final goodbyes.