Chapter 31
Jensen
I haven’t left Beck’s side for two days. I held his hand through their final goodbyes and fell asleep in his arms each night. Not that either of us has actually gotten any quality sleep.
It’s been nonstop people calling, dropping by, and all things planning for the funeral arrangements. Or, well, reception.
The one bittersweet part of all this is getting this better understanding of Beck.
From the stories I’ve been told of his mother to the requests she’s made for her passing—after her father passed, she made sure it was written in her will that she wanted zero sad music, no mournful preaching, or to have an actual funeral.
Rory recounted the whole story with this smile on his face. Said he remembers bickering over that with her until they finally agreed that he could have a reception in her honor. His love for her radiates from him every second he speaks of her. Every time someone mentions her name, it’s clear.
Beck managed a small chuckle when he got to the part where she also insisted no one was allowed to make long-winded eulogies and the game Beck’s most proud of had to be played the entire time.
So, with that in mind, they decided to have an open gathering at the chapel they got married in, and have this last World Series game playing on the projector.
Every now and then, I find Beck looking up at it with the slightest tug at the corners of his mouth. Otherwise, he’s practically running on autopilot at this point. Not that I blame him, he’s been making the best small talk he can and nodding along with people’s condolences.
I hold his hand tightly each time. He’s exhausted from this grief and all the decisions that had to be made. I can practically feel Beck’s pain—I just want to help him carry that weight, and I’m trying to.
I’ve been holding it together the best I can, being whatever he and his dad need, but I’m still so hurt over how he left. I feel so incredibly selfish for it, given the situation. I all but spiral when I start thinking about us.
I’ve considered asking for the note countless times, just to know how he feels about us because I don’t want to be here if my presence is hurting him.
But then it turns back into me feeling selfish because I’m not ready to let him go yet.
Then how can I even think about asking any of these questions while he’s grieving…
The emotional carousel is killing me slowly and I don’t know how to make the ride stop.
Beck’s hand tugs me back a step as someone starts talking to his dad. “Hey, why don’t you go take a break? There’re some water and snacks in the kitchen.”
Rolling my shoulders back, I feign a soft smile. “I’m okay, but I can get you both water if you want.”
Beck lets go of my hand to cradle my face. The small touches haven’t stopped and I’m all but clinging to them for my sanity.
“I’m good, but if I can’t make you take a break, then I know someone who can.”
I follow Beck’s eyes as he looks behind me with the slightest smile tugging at the corners of his lips. I’m so exhausted that it takes me a second to register the reality of Lucie, Callie, and Emma headed our way with Dex, Will, Adam, and Tripp following behind them.
The weight of stress that falls off my shoulders is instant when Lucie wraps me up in her arms. Tears well in my eyes, and I do my best to hold them back, but I’m the first person Lucie goes for. I’m the person she wanted to check on first. As selfish as it makes me feel, I really needed it.
She told me they were all coming, but without her physically here I pushed it to the back of my head to keep Beck my focus.
“You look exhausted,” she mumbles, still holding me tight.
“Thanks, I really fucking am,” I whisper, hoping only she hears me. I really don’t want to let go, but I can hear everyone else giving their condolences to Beck and his dad, and I know I can’t lose it just yet. Lucie will be the first person I run to when I get back to Boston.
Beck rests one hand on my back, but looks to Lucie. “Please, make her go take a break.”
I don’t even have time to open my mouth to argue before Lucie steps to him giving a tight hug then takes my hand. “I’ve got her. We’ll be back in a bit.”
I look over my shoulder. “Beck, I’m—”
“We’ve got him,” Dex cuts me off, appearing right beside him.
Callie takes the next opportunity to step in between us. “Lucie’s orders.”
Emma takes my other hand tugging me along with Lucie. “Five minutes tops.”
With the first step all arguments die. I follow their lead, when Lucie completely bypasses the kitchen and pulls us into a private room I know I’m about to let out the cry I’ve been dying to have.
With the click of the door, Lucie turns, giving me that soft smile. “Let it out, Jen.”
If she insists.
I let out all the stress, all the hurt, the emotional turmoil I’ve felt because I know without a shadow of a doubt that they won’t judge me for it.
Lucie hugs me head on, while Callie wraps around my back, and Emma comes to the side.
“I was holding it together so well.” I laugh slightly through the tears.
“I don’t know what I’m doing here, but I know I can’t leave him.
And I feel like the worst person in the world because I want to know how he feels so bad, then I think about how he left in the middle of the night without a word, and I feel physically sick. ”
I hadn’t had the time to fully explain what happened, but with the call to Dex in the middle of the night and one very brief text to Lucie from the plane I’m sure they’ve all made the assumption.
They probably saw this coming from a mile away. Some part of me saw it too, but I was sure it had changed.
Lucie leans back. “Okay, first off, you’re not the worst—you’re human, Jensen. Of course you’re having mixed emotions right now, in any other situation I’d be tearing Beck a new one.”
“Agreed,” Callie adds. “Give yourself a little bit of credit, babe.”
Emma runs her hand up and down my back. “Did he mention why he left?”
I shake my head. “Not one that I’ve let him say.
He did leave a note, but I’ve been too scared to open it.
I’m terrified to know what it says. None of this is what we agreed to—I honestly don’t know what I’m doing here.
I just know I can’t leave, but I can’t make this about us either.
Now I’m in here falling apart. I’ve been stuck in this death spiral of sadness, guilt, and hurt. ”
“You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself.” Lucie dabs her sleeve on my cheeks. “Have you eaten anything? Drank water?”
The look I give her is answer enough.
“Okay.” She looks to Callie and Emma. “Can you guys get her something small to eat and some water?”
I don’t waste my breath arguing, I just let them do whatever. The idea of food makes me feel sick, but that excuse will mean nothing to Lucie.
“Jensen.” Lucie shakes my shoulders slightly when it’s only us left in the room.
“Listen to me, I truly am so sorry for Beck and his family. I hate this situation, but I want you to hear me when I say I’m here for you.
I’m not about to let you tell yourself you’re the worst. I don’t want you to feel guilty.
I’m not saying don’t be sad, but if no one’s putting you first right now, let that person be me. ”
I let out a pained laugh as another tear falls. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have Lucie.
“I’m serious, Jen, we’ll leave right now if you want to. I’ll be that girl. I don’t care.”
I swipe at my cheek and for the first time in days I don’t have a forced smile. “Say what you actually want to be.”
The corners of Lucie’s mouth turn up. “I’ll be that bitch if it means you get some rest and a chance to actually breathe.”
“Hearing you say that is more than enough.” I give her the biggest hug. “I love you, Princess Peach.”
She chuckles. “I love you too.”
Lucie doesn’t let me leave the room until I drink the entirety of the glass of water and the dinner roll Callie and Emma brought.
Walking back out, I hold Lucie’s hand for every ounce of courage I can steal from her.
Beck’s eyes find me the moment we enter back through the chapel doors. In spite of everything, I can see that longing still in his eyes. I don’t want to give up on us, I just hope that longing isn’t rooted in him already accepting the fact that he’ll let me go.
Lucie’s hand squeezes mine. “I’m obviously not the one you need to be hearing this from, but he loves you.”
I attempt to swallow the lump that is all but taking up a permanent residency in my throat. “I know that to some degree,” I whisper, watching as Beck weaves through the people to get to me. “It just can’t be about that right now.”