Chapter 32
Beck
I’ve all but drained Jensen over these past few days. There were things that had to be done and my attention was pulled elsewhere that I didn’t see how bad until Dex showed us pictures of Miles and Dottie together. Her eyes barely lifted and her smile was faint.
I know I’ve hurt her and so much of me has wanted to fix that every chance I get, but I get why she said wait.
I want to give my mom the goodbye she deserves. I want to be the son my dad needs. But I think I needed these few days to really let all the hurt, anger, and resentment go.
I’m going to miss my mom so fucking much. I’ll think about her every single day, but I’m so happy to have Jensen. I want to start living again. I need to know my mom’s looking down to see the man she remembers me to be.
As the reception comes to a close, I watch as Lucie attempts to revive Jensen as much as she can.
Dex falls in line next to me, this slight smile on his face. “I’ve got to warn you, Luce is about to kidnap Jensen.”
“I’d expect nothing less from her.” I huff out a small laugh. “Don’t you have something to tell me anyway?”
Dex humphs, and for a moment I think he might let it slide, but I want to hear him say it.
“I told you so.”
Thank fuck. “Yeah, you did.”
Dex’s hand lands on my shoulder. “I know you don’t want to hear any more apologies, so just know that I’ll keep Dottie in my house until you both come home. However, I can only hold back my wife for so long.”
And there’s a little more of a real laugh. “You can promise Lucie that I’ve got it under control. We’ll be home in a few days.”
“Take your time.” Dex squeezes my shoulder. “We love you, man.”
“I love y’all too. Thanks for coming down.”
“Of course.” Dex nods, then looks back to our girls. “I’ll take mine, you get yours.”
“Thank god, yours is scary.”
Dex’s smile grows obnoxiously. “Tell me about it.”
When we get within ear shot, I can hear Lucie’s pleas. “Are you sure you don’t want to come home with us? You can get some actual rest and I’ll make you whatever food you want.”
Jensen’s head tilts back and her eyes shut. I want to take the opportunity to answer for her and say no, she stays with me, but I wouldn’t fault Jensen if she decides to go. Honestly, it makes me kind of happy to know that Lucie loves my girl this much.
I want to fix my fuckup first. I want Jensen to stay so I can tell her what she means to me. But I suppose if she leaves I’ll go too.
Jensen lets out a heavy breath. “I’ll be home in a few days, Luce. I promise.”
I reach for Jensen, careful not to startle her then pull her back against my chest. “I’ve got her Luce, I swear.”
Lucie doesn’t seem entirely convinced. Dex was right, she would definitely kidnap Jensen right now if she could.
Dex pulls Lucie a step back. “It’s okay baby. You can mother her when she gets back.”
Only then do I see Lucie relax a bit. Her eyes move between Jensen and mine. “Promise you’ll both get some rest? I’m sorry, I can’t turn it off.”
“We’d never ask you to do that, Luce.” I place a small kiss on Jensen’s head and hold her tighter. “We will get some rest later.”
I don’t think either of us can truly rest until we talk. I actually refuse to rest myself until I can tell her how much I love her.
Jensen reaches a hand out for Lucie. “It’s okay. Text me when you get home?”
Lucie manages a half-smile then nods. She pulls Jensen away from me for one more hug, then we say our goodbyes to the rest of the group.
Callie hugs me from the side. “Round of pool when you get back?”
I find a small laugh. “Game night at our place.”
Will’s hand lands on my shoulder. “We’ll be there. Call us if you need anything, okay?”
I give him a nod then get our goodbyes out as they all load into the car to take them to the airport.
My hold tightens around Jensen and I press a small kiss to her temple. “I want to take you somewhere.”
Jensen tilts her head back. “Beck, you need rest, you’re exhausted.”
Spinning her around slowly, I bring her body against mine. “No more of that. I appreciate all you’ve done for me these past few days, baby, but please, no more. If you’re exhausted, I’ll take you back to the house and we’ll sleep with no alarm. Just sleep as long as we need.”
Leaning slightly, I meet her eyes. “But if you’re up for it, I’d love to take you somewhere.”
Jensen’s eyes fall closed as she lets out a deep exhale. When her eyes open again, I can see that bite in her coming back just a bit. “Where are we going?”
Taking her hand, I start to pull her to my rental car. “It’s a surprise.”
Her steps drag a bit. “Don’t we need to say something to your dad?”
“Nope, I talked to him already. This is for just us, Jen.”
Her feet drag for a few more steps until I finally feel her hand relax in mine and her steps lighten.
Opening her door, she slides into the passenger seat. Rounding the car, I take my seat, and the moment I put the car in drive my hand finds her thigh. There’s not a single hesitation. No pull to bring it back. It stays there firmly until we pull into the parking lot of my high school.
Jensen sits up in her seat. “Beck…” Her tone weak. “What are we doing?”
“Come on, Killer, we have something to work out. There’s only one place that I know delivers every time.”
Getting out of the car, I take her hand in mine then send a text with the other. When Lucie took Jensen for a break, my old principal walked in and I knew what needed to happen.
He meets us at the door, still in his suit from the reception. “Beckham,” he greets with a soft smile. “I think you know where to go. Mrs. Henry hasn’t moved it.”
I give him a nod. “Thank you, I appreciate this.”
“Of course, take your time.” When he goes back into his office, I take Jensen up the stairs then down to the back hall where my mom’s old classroom was.
Jensen stays quiet, but by now I’m sure she knows what we’re doing. When I hit the lights in the classroom, we see it at the same time—my mom’s electricity ball.
“I had to bring out the big guns, Jen. I can’t risk it.”
Jensen squeezes my hand and as she turns a tear glides down her cheek meeting this smile on her beautiful face. “Well, come on then, let’s work it out.”
Moving to the little ball, I flip it on then set my finger on one side. I watch as the electricity links to my finger then watch as Jensen puts hers on the other side.
At that moment, I know that everything I’m about to say to her will hold no fear, no anxieties for what our future will look like. I want that love my parents have with her. I didn’t get to tell my mom about Jensen, but right here, right now, I’m changing that.
I pull out the note I left her a few days ago and drop it on the table. “Instead of reading this, can I say it?”
Jensen pulls her eyes from her finger to meet my eyes. “I think that would be better, yes.”
“Growing up, I always wanted the life my parents had…the love that they had, but when she got sick—it was like nothing made sense anymore. I was so heartbroken for my mom, my dad…myself. I started mourning her before she was even truly gone, and with that, the life I thought I wanted.
“It wasn’t until you walked into that bar ten months ago that I felt this spark to want to have someone in my life again.
With everyone, I kept this mask up of this happy, carefree guy, but with you it didn’t feel forced.
You challenged me. You blew me off countless times, but it didn’t deter me because I had convinced myself that being around you was okay.
You didn’t want me as much as I didn’t want a relationship so why not seek you out?
Why not put all my energy into being around the person who made me actually feel something real?
Even if I was lying to myself about it, I knew somewhere deep down that I couldn’t let you go. ”
Tears fall silently down her cheeks and she sputters a small laugh. “I can’t call you my stalker ever again.”
“Please, never stop. Jensen, I want you to call me everything. I want you to call me on my bullshit. Call when you need me, and just call me yours. I want our back-and-forth. I want to fight with you. I want to apologize with you. I want you. I’m sorry I left the way I did.
I wish I could go back and change what I did, but I know I can’t.
I can’t undo the pain I’ve caused you and I’m so sorry. ”
Jensen’s shoulders fall a bit as she takes a small step to me. “Beck, it’s okay” she whispers, but I hold up my hand.
“Don’t make any excuses for me. After the night we had, it was unfair to do that to you.
The only thing I can say is that I swear it will be the last time.
Jen, I don’t want to spend a day of my life without you.
I love you. I love you so much that those words don’t even do it justice.
You’re the part of my soul I swear I threw away when I was mourning.
I want to be the man my mother raised me to be, and fuck if I don’t want to be that man for you. ”
I don’t register Jensen stepping to me until her lips are on mine. My hand falls off the little ball as I lean into her embrace. My hands capture her face and I kiss her knowing every bit of anxiety I have will be met with her.
Whatever time I have with her will be filled with a love that I can’t say I deserve, but will cherish with every single breath I take.
Jensen leans back and I glide my thumb across her cheek in a soft caress. “You asked me in the office how many memories I planned on stealing, baby, I want to steal all of them. Make up for all the time I’ve wasted and steal every bit of you if you’ll let me. I love you.”
“I love you too,” she whispers. “Thank you for keeping eye contact during that speech.”
This laugh bubbles out of me. “Fucking Dad. Ratted out my tell, didn’t he?”
For the first time in three days, I see a genuine smile on Jensen’s face. “He sure did. I can’t wait to call you on it for a very long time.”
I place a lingering kiss on her forehead. “I can’t wait either, Jenni-cakes.”
After leaving the school, we pick up food from one of my favorite places in town then sleep well into the next day. It’s so nice waking up to see Jensen’s eyes no longer red and a bit of color back in her face.
It’s nice waking up next to her in general, though. There’s still this pang in my chest, knowing a vital part of my life is missing, but when that feels a bit too much, I’ll reach for Jensen then recall the best moments of my mother just like my dad said.
This grief feels different than I ever expected it too, but I can’t say that I’m alone in it anymore. I’m no longer afraid that the pain will consume me.
Sitting down at the kitchen table, Dad made a huge spread of pancakes for lunch all with different toppings mixed in. Some with chocolate chips, some with strawberries, some with both, then some with blueberries.
“Dad, were you craving pancakes?” I ask with a bit of humor in my tone.
He lets out a hum as he takes his seat across the table. “Seems pretty obvious to me that I was. Jensen, I’m not sure if Beck told you, but his mom always insisted that there were no time rules for food.”
Jensen takes her seat then looks up at me. “He told me all about it. I think pancakes sound great.”
I place my hand on her back as I take the seat next to her. Reaching for the seat of her chair, I pull her closer to me. “I didn’t say they didn’t sound good. Was more noting the extreme amount.”
“I can freeze them,” Dad says with a shrug. “So, you two good now?”
“Dad,” I chastise, while Jensen tries to stifle a laugh.
Meeting my dad with a complete dumbfounded look he simply shrugs. “What? I’ve never beat around the bush before. Don’t plan on starting anytime soon. Besides, I meddled, I need to know how it worked out.”
I place a hand on Jensen’s thigh and tilt my head back with a small groan. “Fuck’s sake. Yeah, Dad, we’re good. No more meddling is needed.”
Dad looks at Jensen with a smirk. “We’ll see about the meddling.”
“No, no, I promise I got it under control.” I make sure to hold eye contact with my dad for a solid few seconds before looking at Jen.
Jen’s head shakes and she mumbles, “Ya sé que sí.” I know you do.
Squeezing her thigh, I relax a bit at her trust in me. That’s all I need.
“Well, that’s good to hear. I can find some peace knowing you won’t screw it up completely when you head back to Boston,” Dad says pouring syrup over his pancakes.
That small twist in my chest comes back. I know we have to go back, but leaving him here all alone has me feeling a bit uneasy.
Dad sets down the bottle with a sigh. “You do know you have to go back to Boston, right?”
Oh, sometimes he—I huff a breath. “Yes, I’m aware of that.”
“Good, ’cause I was thinking—possibly—I could find a place up in Boston,” he says, picking up his fork.
“I don’t plan on getting rid of this house, but I meant what I said—I will keep living for myself and your mother.
I want to be at more of your games, travel to some of the away games too when I can.
I’m not jumping to any conclusion on what’s happening here, but you know… I want to be around for it.”
Jensen’s hand finds mine on her leg as I’m sure she can see the mix of emotions written all over my face.
“Yeah, Dad, we’d love that.”