Chapter 6 Neha
I watched from the kitchen as Kerrion and Nayelli sat outside talking. He forbade me to come anywhere near them. Forbade me . . . at my own house! He was already livid, and I didn’t want to make things worse, but I needed to talk to him. I needed to explain.
I thought back to the day I left school. It was two weeks after the house party incident. I’d been avoiding Kerrion, and it was getting harder and harder to not feel triggered when I saw him.
I’d called my mama crying and struggling to breathe through a panic attack.
“Baby, you have to calm down,” she said softly.
“Mommy, I . . . I need . . . I can’t . . .”
“Take some deep breaths, Neha. In and out.”
She mimicked the breathing technique for me. My lips trembled as I tried to calm myself down. It took at least seven minutes to get myself under control. Once I was calm, I told her everything that happened.
“Oh, Neha.” She sighed heavily. “What do you wanna do, baby?”
“I wanna come home. I wanna transfer schools. Mommy, every time I see him now, all I see is Timothy. I’m scared.”
“It’s okay to be scared. I really think you should talk to him and explain things.”
I shook my head as though she could see me.
“Mommy, no. I just wanna get out of here. I keep having nightmares. All I can see is the blood . . . There was so much blood. Then there’s the stares and whispers from people. I just wanna come home.”
She sighed. “Okay, baby. Evan and I will drive up this weekend to move you out.”
That was perfect because I knew Kerrion would be going home this weekend for his mother’s birthday.
“Thank you.”
“I love you, Neha.”
“I love you too.”
We’d disconnected the call, and I’d gotten up to start packing.
I’d been at it for a good twenty minutes when there was a knock on my dorm room door.
I froze for a moment before going over to see who it was.
Looking through the peephole, I found Kerrion on the other side.
I could tell that he was soaking wet from being out in the thunderstorm plaguing the campus right now.
“Neha, I know you’re there,” he said softly. “Baby, please talk to me.”
I stood there, my hands and forehead pressed against the door. Tears brimmed my eyes, yet again.
“Neha, baby, I’m sorry. Whatever I did, I can fix it. Just open the door and talk to me.”
“Go away, Kerrion,” I said, my voice cracking.
“No. You’ve been avoiding me for weeks. We need to talk about this.”
“Go away!” I yelled.
“Neha, I love you. You want me to just walk away from that?”
“Yes!”
“So you don’t love me? You don’t love me enough to try and fix this.”
I paused. “No, . . . I can’t love you. You need to go.”
He was silent. Through the peephole, I could see the distraught look on his face. He pressed his fingers into his eyes and took several deep breaths before walking away. I stood there for a moment, tears streaming down my face. I turned away from the door but couldn’t will my feet to move.
Part of me wanted to run after him.
But alas, I found myself sliding down the door to the floor and crying my eyes out.
I swiped the tears from my eyes as I came out of the memory.
Did I love him? Yes. I loved him with my whole heart, but that dark side, .
. . it was too familiar. If there was one thing I was afraid of, it was falling for a man like my father or being in a domestic situation as long as my mother was.
I’d spent too many nights listening to her cries and pleas for him to stop.
I remembered him promising that the last time was the last time, but it never was.
I’d iced too many of her black eyes and a few of my own at the hands of that man.
I didn’t want that for myself, and I got out before it ever had a chance to get to that point. Maybe I didn’t do it the right way, but what was done was done, and I couldn’t take it back. It wasn’t like he would ever want me again anyway.
He could hate me, . . . I’d take that.
“How are you feeling?” Dinah asked, breaking my thoughts and handing me a glass of wine.
“I don’t know,” I said, taking the glass. “I can’t believe he rolled up on me like that. That’s what I never wanted, to have his anger directed at me like that. That’s why I ran. You think she’s gonna hate me?”
“I’m sure she’ll be angry. Probably with both of us. But no. She won’t hate you. When she’s old enough to understand, explain it to her.”
“I feel like shit, Dinah.”
“You should. I’m not gonna sugarcoat this shit, Neha. You were wrong as hell. I don’t agree with what you did, but I understand your fear. I was in that house and dealt with the abuse too.”
Dinah had wiped many of my tears in those days.
She was the only other person who fully understood my pain.
She’d been my human diary, holding so many of my secrets.
After our dad went to prison, I put those memories in the back of my mind under lock and key.
I didn’t think about him. I didn’t speak on him.
I pretended as if he didn’t exist. It was a coping mechanism I’d mastered.
Because of that, I’d never told Kerrion about the abuse.
When I talked about my family or showed him pictures, all he knew was Evan, my stepfather, was my father.
I didn’t want to get into the days my sister and I had to cover bruises with long-sleeved shirts or pants.
I didn’t want to tell him how I used makeup to hide signs of abuse on my face.
Did I want to embarrass myself by telling him about the times my dad scared me so bad that I wet myself? Absolutely not.
Looking at him with our daughter, I knew now I should have. I should have told him everything.
“Do you think I’m doing a good job with her, Dinah?”
“I think you’re doing an amazing job. You were young when you had her. Raising kids is hard, hence the reason I don’t have any. Always the auntie, never the mother.”
I rolled my eyes. “You would be a great mom. I couldn’t do half of what I do without you.”
She flipped her hair over her shoulder. “I do what I can. Seriously, Neha. You’re a great mom and I’m a great auntie-mama.”
That made me laugh. “I can’t with you.”
“But you kinda have to. You’re stuck with me. Shit, we bought this house together. If you ever get married, your hubby is just gonna have to deal with me forever.” She playfully elbowed me. “Soooo . . .” she sang. “Tension aside, you didn’t tell me that man was that fine in person.”
“Girl, please.”
“Nah, don’t girl please me now. He was delicious. Did you say he has brothers?”
“Three of them that I remember.”
“You mean it’s four of them out here looking like that? If they are that fine, I know the daddy is fine too. I’m at that age, girl. I can have the father or the son. If I’m feeling frisky; I might take the daughter too.”
I almost choked on my wine. “Bye, Dinah.”
The sound of the back door opening broke our conversation. Nayelli came running in, making a beeline for the hall bathroom. I took a deep breath, deciding that this was a good time to try and talk to Kerrion. After chugging my wine, I placed the glass on the counter.
“I’ll be right back,” I told Dinah.
“I don’t think you should do that, Sis.”
“Just . . . preoccupy Nayelli for a second, okay?”
I didn’t give her a chance to protest further before I was walking outside. Kerrion sat on top of my picnic table, messing with his phone. When he looked up to see me, a frown appeared on his still handsome face.
“Can we talk?” I asked quietly.
“Get the fuck away from me, Neha.”
“Kerrion, . . . please. If you just let me explain—”
“I don’t wanna hear shit else from you. My lawyer will be in contact with you for a paternity test.”
“What? She’s yours—”
“I know she’s mine. I just need it documented when I take your ass to court to establish my rights. If I was a spiteful muthafucka, I’d sue you for full custody. Unlike you, I know a child needs their mother as much as they need their father. I wouldn’t take that route.”
“I’m sorry—”
“You know something, Neha?” He stood, towering over me. “This shit wouldn’t hurt so much if we hadn’t had so many conversations about my desire to have kids, . . . my desire to have kids with you. I wanted to marry you. Do you get that? I was ready to buy a fucking ring, and you ran off on me.”
“You don’t understand. If you would just let me explain—”
“Ain’t shit you can say to explain this, and I don’t wanna talk to you.”
I frowned. “We have a child. You have to talk to me.”
“If it’s not about her, I don’t have to talk to you about shit. As a matter of fact, your sister can continue to be the middleman so I don’t have to deal with you at—”
It was my turn to cut him off.
“No! The only reason she was in the middle of this is because I didn’t even know she was taking her to your class! I’m not going through anybody else to talk to you about my child. You treat your son’s mother like this?”
“Don’t speak on my son or his mother,” he said, shoving a finger in my face.
The anger that flashed in his eyes caused me to take a step back.
“His mother allowed me to be present for every single moment that mattered. She didn’t steal fatherhood from me. My son knows me because I’ve been there from the moment he was conceived. You don’t ever get to speak on her or him. Let’s make that very clear.”
I swallowed hard, afraid to push his buttons any further. A breath of relief left me as the back door opened and Nayelli came bouncing out.
“I’m ready to go!” she announced.
My head snapped around. “Go where?”
“Mr. K is taking me to get pizza.”
I turned to him, speaking lowly. “You didn’t think to run that by me? She doesn’t know you like that for me to just let her leave with you. Hate me if you want, but you can’t just take her.”
“You really wanna do that right now? Let me explain something to you, Neha. You have no idea who I know or the pull I have in this city. I can take my daughter wherever I want, and nobody here is gonna do a thing about it.”
“Are you threatening me?”
“Not at all. I’m telling you what it is.”