Chapter 5 Steel
I sat cross-legged on the mat, looking at the circle of fifteen kids around me.
Their faces held a mix of curiosity and nervous energy.
We were taking a break from the physical aspects of their training and focusing on the mental today.
All of my kids had promise. They were so smart and capable, and I wanted to tap into their minds because it all started there.
The brain was the body’s threat response system.
While most people referred to flight or fight as the response to immediate danger, there were actually four: flight, fight, freeze, or fawn.
Freezing referred to shutting down, and fawning referred to doing whatever it took to avoid or defuse the present danger.
The kids in my class ranged from ages eight to fifteen. What they all had in common was the fact that their confidence crumbled so quickly when real fear hit.
“Today we’re going to talk about what happens up here,” I said, pointing to my temple.
“What happens in the mind when we feel scared or threatened will always determine how we respond. I want you to think about a time when you were really scared. Maybe you couldn’t do anything about it or couldn’t think straight. Does anyone want to share?”
Alexis, my oldest student, raised her hand. “Last week, I was walking home from school, and this stray dog was on the loose. There’s a warning in my neighborhood about him because he’s bit someone before, but he got away. When I saw him, all I could do was stand there.”
“That’s exactly what I’m talking about, Alexis.
Your brain went into what we call ‘freeze mode.’ It’s like when a computer gets overloaded and shuts down.
” I leaned forward, making eye contact with each of them.
“We can always teach our brains to work better under pressure, especially when it comes to protecting yourself.”
I stood and moved to the center of our circle. “I want everybody to close your eyes. I’m going to walk y’all through a scenario, and I want you to really feel it, a’ight?”
They all nodded and closed their eyes. The parents watched closely as I circled the space.
“Imagine you’re walking to your friend’s house, and you notice someone following you. Don’t open your eyes. Just picture the situation and pay attention to what happens in your body.”
I watched as their faces changed. Breathing changed. Eyebrows scrunched together. A few of them jumped.
“I feel scared,” whispered nine-year-old Tamia.
“My hands are getting sweaty,” eleven-year-old Marcus added.
“Good observations. You’re paying attention to your body’s warning signals, which is very important. Now, keeping your eyes closed, I want you to take three deep breaths with me. In and out.”
I counted slowly as we breathed together. Their shoulders began to relax slightly, and they looked visibly calmer.
“Very good. This is going to reset your brain’s alarm system,” I said.
“Now, with your eyes still closed, imagine your brain clearing. It’s like a fog lifting, and you’re finally able to see clearly.
There are a few things I want you to always remember: Stay where there are other people, trust your instincts, and use your voice.
Picture yourself walking confidently toward a store or house where you see other adults or feel safe. ”
When they opened their eyes, I saw the difference immediately. There was less tension and more alertness.
“How did that feel different from the scared feeling?” I asked the group.
Tamia raised her hand. “Like I could actually do something to protect myself instead of just standing there.”
“Exactly. We just practiced the most important self-defense skill—staying calm enough to think clearly when we’re scared. How about we practice some real-life situations? Parents, how would you feel about getting involved?”
Most of the parents stood and came to join us on the mat. For the next thirty minutes, we went through different scenarios to demonstrate situational awareness. While some of the scenarios might never happen to them, the skills they were learning could be useful in many situations.
I decided to let them out a few minutes early. While the kids were grabbing their snacks, the front door opened, and Jaeda walked in with KJ on her hip. The look on her face told me something was wrong. I excused myself from the parent I was speaking with and went over to her.
“What’s up?” I asked, taking my son from her.
“I um, . . . I got around to getting the information you asked for.”
“Is it bad? It’s gotta be bad for you to come up here.”
“Kerrion, . . . I don’t know how to tell you this.”
“Tell me what?”
She opened her mouth to speak, but then her eyes shifted. I followed her gaze to see that she was staring at Nayelli who was walking over to me.
“Have a good day, Mr. K,” she said, smiling and waving.
“You too, sweetheart.”
She looked up at KJ who was staring her down.
“Is he yours?” she asked, never taking her eyes off him.
“Yes. This is KJ. You wanna say hi?”
She hesitantly reached for his hand. The moment she touched him, he gave her a gummy grin.
“I think he likes you,” I said, looking up at my sister who watched with a look I couldn’t quite read. “Nayelli, this is my sister, Jaeda.”
Nayelli looked up at her. “Hi.”
“Hi,” Jaeda whispered.
Nayelli’s eyes drifted back to KJ. “Mr. K?”
“What’s up?”
“He looks just like—”
“Nayelli, we have to go,” her aunt said from the door.
She stood there watching, seemingly avoiding my eyes.
Nayelli glanced over at her. “But Aunt Dee—”
“Come on. We have a stop to make before we go home.”
Nayelli sighed. “Bye, Mr. K.,” she said solemnly.
With sunken shoulders, she walked over to her aunt who rushed her out.
“That was . . . weird,” I said looking after her.
“Can we go somewhere private to talk?”
I hesitated and nodded. She followed me through the building and down the hall to my office. I barely got the door closed before she was speaking again.
“Kerrion, that’s Neha’s sister.”
I heard the words, but that wasn’t what bothered me.
“N—Nayelli?” I asked.
“Neha’s daughter. I . . . Kerrion, I think she’s yours. I did the math. Unless she slept with someone else, she got pregnant before you two broke up.”
I laughed. “Please tell me you fucking lying.”
Jaeda shook her head. “I wish I was. I looked up the birth certificate.”
I stared at her waiting for her to say she was joking.
She never did. Instead, she pulled out her phone and showed me a picture.
Staring at it confirmed everything she said.
Looking back at me was a picture of Neha and a baby Nayelli who could have been KJ’s twin.
I had to look between the picture and my baby to make sure I wasn’t seeing shit.
“So she had my baby? She had my baby and kept her from me?”
Jaeda sniffled. “I’m so sorry. I emailed you everything I found—”
“Take my son home.” I kissed KJ before handing him back to her. “Now.”
I started to walk away, but she grabbed my arm.
“Where are you going?”
“Where do you think I’m going? To confront her.”
“I really think you should take a minute to think about this. Let the news digest first.”
“She had my fucking baby and kept her from me, Jaeda! How am I supposed to digest that!”
My outburst caused my son to start crying. I scooped him from his aunt’s arms and cradled him against my chest.
“Daddy’s sorry, Fat Man. I’m sorry. It’s okay.”
I buried my face in his little neck and tried to calm myself down.
I felt a range of emotions, the strongest being hurt and anger.
Why the fuck would Neha do this shit? How could she have my baby and keep her from me?
How could her aunt enroll her here and not say shit about it? She had to have known.
I thought back to the looks she gave me, like she was trying to figure out who I was.
Although we had never met each other’s families in person, I’d seen pictures of hers, and she’d seen pictures of mine.
I knew that woman looked familiar when she walked in, but I couldn’t place her face.
Then there was Nayelli. I now knew the reason she felt so familiar was because she looked like my son.
Why hadn’t I seen it before?
KJ had finally calmed down. I kissed his cheek and handed him back to Jaeda.
“Take him home. I’ll be there later.”
“Kerrion—”
“Take him home, Jaeda,” I said firmly.
I kissed her forehead before grabbing my keys and leaving the office. Neha couldn’t run from me anymore. Nah. Fuck that. Today was the day she was going to answer for this shit.
I pulled up in front of the address listed in the information Jaeda sent to my email.
It was a nice neighborhood. Every lawn was well kept.
Expensive cars sat in the driveways. People were out running and walking with their dogs.
I could see she was doing well for herself.
At least my kid was living good. Shutting off the truck, I sat there for a moment.
Two cars sat in the driveway, so I knew both of them were home.
That made my blood boil.
How fucking dare they sit in this house, keeping me from knowing my child.
How dare they have her around me and not tell me who she was.
I needed answers. Fuck that, I deserved answers.
Shoving my door open, I stepped out of the truck and pushed it closed behind me.
I took slow strides up to the front steps and knocked on the door. I could hear footsteps approaching.
“Who is it?” came the all too familiar voice.
“Open this fucking door, Neha.”
There was silence.
“I swear on my son, if you don’t open this door, I’m kicking this shit in.”
“Open the door, Neha,” who I now knew was Dinah said.
A few seconds later, I could hear the locks disengaging. The knob twisted, and the door opened as far as the chain would allow it. Neha looked between the small opening, eyes wide with fear.
“What are you doing here? How did you find me?”
“I’m not talking to you through a crack in the damn door. Let me in.”
“Neha, just let him in,” Dinah said.
When Neha didn’t move, she reached around her and took the chain off. The door opened wider, and she waved me in. I looked around the space, finding it as clean and immaculate as her dorm room used to be.
“How did you find me?” Neha asked again.
I turned to face her and found her clinging to her sister.
“I could have found you when you left me. You taught me not to chase you.”
She kept looking around me. “Wh-what do you want?”
I chuckled. “What do I want? Oh, baby, I think you know.”
She shook her head.
“No?” I asked, stepping toward her. “So you don’t wanna tell me you had my fucking kid? You don’t wanna explain why you kept her from me for ten muthafucking years, Neha!”
She stifled a scream. “I’m sorry—”
“You’re sorry? That’s all you have to say?
You’re sorry? You knew I wanted kids . .
. a family. You stole that from me. You stole vital years of her life that I can’t get back!
I missed everything! She has a whole fucking family that would have loved and protected her, Neha.
My daughter is being bullied. I could have put a stop to that shit a long time ago! ”
“I’m sorry!” she yelled. “What else do you want me to say!”
“Why!”
I was in her face in a split second. She cowered in fear, causing Dinah to get in between us.
“Hold up now,” she said, shoving me away. “She was dead ass wrong, but don’t roll up on my sister like that.”
“Man, at this point, fuck your sister, and fuck you too. You figured out who I was. You kept bringing that little girl to my class, and you didn’t say shit!”
“It wasn’t my place.”
“Yes, it was! Yes the fuck it was! She’s my kid! I had every right to know that, no matter what you two have told yourself to convince yourself otherwise. How could you be so fucking selfish!”
My voice was cracking at this point. This shit hurt like a muthafucka. Neha knew how much I loved kids. She knew how much I wanted a family. For her to take this route was like a slap in the face.
“Mr. K?”
I turned to find Nayelli standing at the top of the stairs, looking down at us.
“Nayelli, go back to your room,” Neha said.
My head snapped in her direction. “Excuse you? Nah, you need to tell her. Now.”
“Tell me what?” She slowly descended the stairs. “Mommy, what’s going on? Why are y’all yelling?”
Neha looked from her to Dinah to me, then back to Nayelli before motioning for her to come closer. Nayelli’s eyes remained on me as she went to stand next to her mother.
Neha sniffled. “Nayelli, . . . Mr. K, Kerrion . . . he’s not just your instructor. He . . . he’s your father.”
Nayelli’s eyes widened. “What?”
“He’s your father, baby,” Neha repeated.
“But . . . how?”
“A long time ago, he was my boyfriend. We went to college together before I transferred schools. I didn’t know I was pregnant with you until I was gone.”
That wasn’t good enough for me, but I couldn’t crash out how I wanted to in front of Nayelli. My eyes dropped to her confused orbs.
“Where have you been?” she asked. “Why didn’t you come around?”
I shook my head. “I didn’t know about you,” I said, dropping to my knees in front of her. “If I did, there’s no way I wouldn’t have been a part of your life, Nayelli.”
I reached for her hands, but she was hesitant to give them to me. That shit hurt, but I understood that from her.
“So, KJ is my brother?” she asked.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“He looks like me as a baby.”
I smiled. “He does. You both look like me as a baby.”
“I looked like a boy?”
I chuckled. “Nah. Just a pretty, little girl version of me. I can show you pictures some time.”
“Does that mean I get to come to your house?”
I nodded. “I’d love for you to come to my house. You have so much family that would love to meet you.”
“I do?”
“Yeah. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins. You have an aunt and uncle that are younger than you, too.”
She giggled. “Really?”
“Really. You might know my little brother. He goes to your school. He’s a couple months younger than you.
You have a bunch of cousins at your school too.
They don’t know about you yet, but I’m gonna tell them.
I want them to get to know you, the whole family.
I want to get to know you, Nayelli. I don’t ever want to be apart from you again. ”
She slowly stepped forward, finally giving me her hands. “You promise?”
“I put that on my life. Nothing and nobody is ever going to keep me from you again.”
My eyes drifted to Neha, who was standing there wiping away her tears. I meant that shit. She’d kept me away for damn ten years, but she had another thing coming if she thought that was going to continue. This shit ended right fucking now.