Chapter 13 Steel
I sat in the cemetery parking lot feeling the familiar tightening of my chest.
Every time I came here, my fucking heart broke for my son all over again.
This shit was so unfair to him. I had so many regrets and guilt over Donna’s death.
I kept telling myself if I’d just been there that day, she would still be here.
At the first sign of contractions, I would have made her go to the hospital.
Maybe they could have stopped the bleeding. Maybe they could have saved her.
With a heavy sigh, I climbed out of the car and grabbed KJ from the back seat.
Thankfully, my boy was feeling much better.
When we left here, I was taking him to his grandma’s for the weekend.
My nerves were on ten about leaving him, but this was what I’d been wanting for him.
He didn’t have his mother, and he needed to know Ms. Anita.
Walking up the pathway, we made our way toward Donna’s burial plot. KJ was just babbling along and looking around. As we neared the spot, a cool breeze blew, tickling his face. The only thing I could see were gums.
“That’s Mama,” I said, kissing his cheek.
I took a spot on the ground in front of the headstone and placed him in my lap. His little hands reached to touch Donna’s picture, and the babbling started again.
“You know your mama, don’t you?” I asked, letting him get closer. “I know she would have loved you, man. She’d probably have you spoiled and then blamed me for it.” I touched the headstone and closed my eyes for a moment. “I miss you, D. I never thought I’d have to do this shit without you.”
I thought back to the conversation we had about that very topic.
She was lying in my bed, and my head was rested on her stomach. KJ was kicking up a storm, and I was loving every moment of it. Her pregnancy had been smooth and beautiful. I couldn’t contain my excitement over finally becoming a father.
“He’s trying his hardest to get evicted,” Donna said, poking her stomach. “Calm your little ass down in there.”
“Let my boy be great. He knows when daddy is talking to him.”
“Well daddy can get up off me.”
She tried to push me off, but I held onto her a little tighter.
“Don’t act up,” I warned her.
“Move, Kerrion. It’s my turn to cuddle.”
Pregnancy made her more affectionate, but I didn’t mind.
A nigga loved this kind of shit. Even if she wasn’t my girl, I had mad love for her and would do anything to keep her happy.
I maneuvered myself to lay my head on the pillow, and she snuggled up against me.
I relaxed into the soft bed and flipped through the channels.
“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Donna said softly.
“What’s up?”
“So I’ve been watching a lot of medical dramas—”
“D, I told you about that shit. You gon’ fuck around and be paranoid.”
“Would you just listen?”
I motioned for her to continue.
“I need you there to speak up for me. Be my advocate. They don’t listen to black women during labor and delivery, especially when we’re in pain.”
“So what you’re saying is I have permission to pull my gun out?”
She slapped my chest. “I’m serious, Kerrion.”
“Shit, me too.”
She shook her head. “There’s one more thing. If something goes wrong—”
“Ain’t nothing going wrong. Don’t even put that in the air.”
“Listen to me. If something goes wrong, . . . if it comes down to me or our son, choose him. I want him to live. My life matters, but his matters more. I know you will take care of him. My mom . . . I know she’ll have a hard time, but show her some grace. Promise me that.”
“Are you sure about that, D? We can make another baby. We can’t make another you.”
She rubbed her stomach. “I love him so much. It would kill me not to be here for him, but he was made with love. I would die to give him a chance at life. Promise me you’ll choose him.”
I sighed. “I promise.”
“Now, if I die, don’t be having any ol’ bitch around my son. I’ll haunt your ass.”
I laughed. “I got you, D. I love you, man.”
“I love you too.”
I never had to make that decision, because it was made for me. Even though we talked about it, we were overly prepared for every aspect of her pregnancy but living without her.
“I’m doing my best, D,” I said as KJ continued to finger her picture.
“Fat Man is thriving and hitting all his milestones. He’s spoiled with love.
” I chuckled. “He doesn’t fuck with me when his grandparents are around, especially Senior.
You’ve seen those kids with that man. Nigga is the baby whisperer. ”
I bit my lip, preparing to tell her the next part.
“I have a daughter, D. Ten years old. She’s beautiful, .
. . funny, smart . . . she’s perfect. I love that little girl so much, and I’ve barely scratched the surface of who she is.
I’m so fucking hurt that I had to miss so much of her life.
She was my firstborn, and I missed everything you’ve missed with our son. It’s so fucking unfair.”
I paused for a moment, reeling in my emotions because I could feel myself about to cry, and I didn’t want to alarm my son.
Once I got it together, I stayed for a few more minutes, just talking to her about random things.
I’d never been one to talk to the dead, but I’d never had a reason to until now.
After whispering a prayer, I packed KJ up and loaded him in the car.
Twenty minutes later, we were pulling into Ms. Anita’s driveway. I got out to get KJ and his bag before heading up the front steps and ringing the doorbell. A few seconds passed before she opened the door and let me in.
“Kerrion, it’s good to see you.”
“Good to see you too.” I leaned in and kissed her cheek. “How you doing?”
“I’m good. Excited to have KJ for the weekend. Did you pack him church clothes?”
“He has something in there. Don’t be letting them old church ladies pinch my boy’s cheeks.”
She chuckled. “I won’t.” Her gaze drifted to him, and her smile widened. “Hey, KJ.”
She tickled his belly, and he giggled.
“He’s so sweet.”
“Don’t let that smile fool you. He can be a menace.”
“Daddy is lying on you, isn’t he, baby?” She lifted KJ from my arms, and surprisingly, he didn’t put up a fuss. In fact, he rested his head on her shoulder.
“Oh my goodness.” Ms. Anita cooed, rubbing his back. “You and I are gonna have a great time, aren’t we?” She looked over at me. “Thank you. Go on and give me the list because I know you have one.”
I grinned. “I do. I wrote it all down in the notebook in his bag. I packed him some extra clothes ’cause he can be a messy eater.
I’ve started introducing him to solids, and he loves eggs.
Fat Man is greedy and demanding if you take too long to give him the next bite.
Don’t be surprised if he screams at you.
I usually put him to bed at eight. He might wake up for a bottle, but he usually goes back to sleep.
If not, he’s gonna be looking at you for entertainment.
When that happens, I usually put on Ms. Rachel. He loves that white lady.”
Ms. Anita giggled. “Duly noted. Anything else?”
“Nah. Everything is in the notebook. Call me if you need anything, okay?”
“Okay. Before you go, do you wanna see where he’ll be sleeping?”
“Sure.”
She led me down the hallway to a door with a big blue “K” on the front. When she opened it, I was surprised to find a fully decorated room for a baby. It didn’t smell like fresh paint, leading me to believe she’d had this for a while.
“When did you do this?” I asked, looking around.
“A few months ago. I was working through my grief and decided to take on a project.”
“It looks good.”
“This was Donna’s room growing up,” she said softly. “I thought it would make her closer to him . . . Maybe her spirit would cover him.”
I pulled her in for a hug. “I’m sure she will.”
She sighed heavily. “I just wanted a little piece of her for him. I know she’s always with me.”
“She is, Ma. I know she’s happy you have him for the weekend. She’s up there watching over both of you.”
“I know.” She pulled away and kissed my cheek. “Now go on. Get outta here and let Grandma do what grandmas do.”
I chuckled. “I’m gone. Be a good boy, Fat Man.”
I gave my son several kisses before leaving the room. I could hear her showing him around, and it made my heart smile. He was going to be okay, and so was she.
“Where’s my nephew?” Smoke asked, passing me the blunt.
We were in his man cave, kicking it. These days, we usually met up over here since he had all these damn kids.
Juri barely liked to let him out of her sight.
When we first got here and came in the room, she was outside banging on the door, yelling “Daddy!” until he opened it.
She had the nerve to point at the door and say “No” like, nigga, don’t lock me out.
He let her chill with us for a little bit before she was satisfied enough to leave us be. It was always funny to see the two of them interact. She wasn’t his blood daughter, but I swear she acted like that nigga and was just as mean as him.
“With Donna’s mom,” I answered.
“Word?”
“She asked to keep him for the weekend. You know we’ve been waiting on her to come around.”
“How’s she holding up?” Deuce asked.
“Decent. Of course she’s still grieving. I mean, it’s only been about eight months now.”
Maceo shook his head. “I’d be no fucking good, man. Losing my baby? That would fuck me up.” He looked over at me. “How are you? We haven’t really talked about it much. Is she the reason you crashed out the other night? You been spaced out for a lil’ minute now.”
“Nah, Donna ain’t the reason. I’m dealing with my shit with her. I miss that girl, bruh. Donna was a real one. One of the only females I was ever genuine friends with. I had mad love and respect for her.”
“I could have sworn you were in love,” Quaid commented. “Watching you with her, . . . I thought y’all changed your minds.”