Chapter 4
Jesse
After the run-in with Ella a few days ago at church, I decided to surprise Lexie with a homemade dinner at my place.
She thinks we’re going out, but when she gets here, she’ll see we aren’t.
I just don’t want her to feel like she’s in a competition with Ella.
I’ve been feeling a little guilty. The brief conversation Ella and I had replays in my head almost on a loop.
I can’t shake it. It’s been so hard to ignore those old feelings, but I can’t let myself feel that way when I’m with Lexie. It’s not right, I know that.
“Hey.” I greet her at the door. She’s wearing jeans she knows I love on her and a leather jacket. Her long brown hair is curled down around her face. I lean in to kiss her. “You look beautiful.”
She smirks. “So do you.”
Laughing, I step aside and her attention sets on the kitchen. Confused, she asks, “Are you cooking?”
“Yeah. Surprise, we’re not going out.”
“Well, aren’t you just a dream,” she flirts and walks past me to further investigate, and I follow her.
“We have homemade mashed potatoes, Mom’s recipe. Roast beef and asparagus.” She raises her eyebrows and grins.
“And you made it all yourself?”
“Damn straight,” I say and watch her laugh. “It’s ready, you hungry?”
“Yeah, I didn’t eat much for lunch.”
“Good.”
As I start serving the food onto our plates, Lexie sits down at the table. Enos, my yellow lab, walks over to demand her attention.
“No, sir. Go lay down.” I point in the direction of the living room. He listens, and I take my seat across from Lexie.
She points to the flickering candle that is set between us. “You thought of everything, didn’t you?”
“Of course I did.” I smile and reach my hand across the table for hers to pray. She doesn’t hesitate, which makes me happy.
“Dear Lord, thank you for bringing Lexie here tonight safely. I pray you can bless this time we have together tonight, especially as we navigate the newness of this relationship. In your name we pray, amen.”
Our hands separate and we lift our heads. I’m now met with my chocolate lab, Cletus, sitting on the floor at Lexie’s side. She laughs and takes a drink of her water.
“Hey, I know she’s pretty but she’s mine. Go lay down, now,” I tell him and watch him mosey over to his bed.
She laughs. “They’re like your kids.”
“They really are.”
We pick up our utensils at the same time. I’m anxious to hear Lexie’s thoughts on all the food. I’m confident in the kitchen since I’ve lived on my own for a long time now, but I’ve never cooked for anyone but myself.
“Oh wow,” she says after taking a bite of the roast beef.
“Good?”
She nods. “Really good. Why did you wait this long to show me you can cook?” She takes another bite.
I shrug. “I don’t know. There’s not much I can do to impress someone, so I guess I was holding out.”
She laughs and takes another bite. The conversation flows easily over the course of dinner. Apparently, Lex had never had asparagus she liked before tonight—one point for me.
After dinner, we leave the mess to tackle later and move to the living room. I suggest we watch a movie but she seems more interested in kissing than anything.
I allow it to go on for a few minutes before I pull away gently.
“I hope tonight showed you how much I care about you.” My voice is soft, looking into her smiling eyes.
She leans in and kisses me intensely again.
As it grows in passion, she pulls me in closer, her intentions clear when she fumbles with my belt buckle.
“Lex.” My voice slightly firm, I stop her with a gentle hold on her wrist even though she’s extremely tempting. “I told you, we’re not doing that.”
Her eyes darken on mine. “I thought you wanted to show me how much you cared about me?”
“I did.” I gesture toward the kitchen. “I made you a nice dinner over candlelight.”
“So don’t you want to show me in more ways?” she suggests. Although I am slightly frustrated at her way of thinking, I stay calm.
“There are a million ways to show I care that don’t jeopardize boundaries.”
“Sex builds so much, including trust and connection!” She argues and stands.
“Trust me, I know it does, but we can find other ways to build a connection without taking our clothes off.”
Her eyes narrow. “You’re just, you’re so—”
I cut her off and stand too. “Lexie, do you honestly think I don’t want you? I am a twenty-nine-year-old man who knows exactly what sex is like, but I won’t—”
“Wait.” She holds her hand up between us. “What?”
“What?”
“You’ve done it before and you’re acting like some saint who’s lived this perfect, by-the-book life with your whole waiting philosophy?!”
“Lex, it isn’t my philosophy, it’s what the Bible teaches.” I drop to a softer tone. “Can I show you?”
She shakes her head. “No.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re not going to sit here and school me when you aren’t even as perfect as you’re pretending to be.”
I put a hand over my chest. “I’m not pretending. I never claimed to be perfect.”
“Well, then why are you expecting me to be? It’s like your values are more important than mine.
” She huffs and leaves the room. My entire body is starting to get hot as the anger builds.
The arguments between us that constantly seem to arise out of nowhere are wearing me out, but I can’t just give up.
I have to push through it and make things right.
I follow her out. “Hey, hold on. Stop.” She turns around. “What exactly are your values?”
Her eyes set back on mine, not relenting even a bit. As if she doesn’t want to work through this and is determined to drag this out another few days.
She crosses her arms. “Being with someone who doesn’t expect me to uphold an unrealistic standard.”
The room falls silent and so does my mouth. Words don’t come out because I don’t know what to say to that. The tension between us is rising quickly again. I’ll do anything to fix it.
“I’m sorry if that’s how I’m coming across,” I state lightly. “But I’m not compromising my values just because you’re turned on every other night.”
The glare she gives me is practically deadly. “Well, your values are stupid to me,” she retorts, spinning around on her feet and heading back toward the door. My blood is boiling and my heart starts to beat faster.
“Is that it? My values are stupid?” I snap.
“Well, at least I have some!” Her eyes flash with anger and she starts grabbing her things.
I don’t even try to stop her. I’m way too frustrated with this whole situation.
It shouldn’t be like this. If the roles were reversed, I’d be painted as a womanizer.
Without another word between us, she slams the door shut behind her.
My heart is telling me to go after her but my legs won’t move.
I hear her car start, and she flies down the driveway.
Rosco, my black lab, comes and tucks his head under my hand dangling at my side.
I sit down on the kitchen chair and pet him as I replay the entire argument in my head.
“Maybe it’s just supposed to be you guys and me, huh? Maybe I’m not cut out for a relationship.” I sigh with exhaustion.