Chapter 8
Ella
Ten Years Ago
The smell of Jesse’s cigarette smoke swirls around the cab of his truck. He has the windows down but the hot summer air is stagnant. He usually doesn’t smoke around me—he actually told me he was quitting—but tonight was different. Tonight, I dropped a bomb on him he didn’t see coming.
“You’re serious?” His voice is low. I stare down at my fingers fidgeting together in my lap.
Letting out a defeated sigh, I start, “Jesse, I didn’t—”
“Don’t,” he cuts in, his tone sharp. “Don’t give me some bullshit excuse, Ella. Why didn’t you just tell me?”
I look over at him. There’s hurt in his eyes. A hurt I’ve never seen before.
I force myself to finish explaining. “I didn’t plan on getting in. I also can’t help that my dad’s getting stationed there.”
“Why can’t you just stay and go to school here like you originally planned?!” His voice is raised.
Hating that he’s this mad at me, I try my hardest to keep my voice steady. “I already got accepted, Jess. If I wouldn’t have, I was going to stay. But … I start in August.”
He shakes his head and flicks ash from his cigarette out the window. “Of course it’s already a done deal. You didn’t even think to talk to me first!” he shouts.
I feel tears forming and my lip starts trembling. I hate this, I can’t even breathe.
“I just can’t believe this. After everything we’ve talked about, you’re just gonna leave.”
The truck goes silent for a minute before he continues.
His voice calmer, he looks at me. “We talked about getting married, Ella.”
Those words punch me in the gut. He’s right.
We were planning a future together, mapping out a life that felt so perfect and sure.
But what was I supposed to do? Stay here for him and live halfway across the country from my family?
I’m eighteen but I don’t want to live that far away from them.
I wasn’t even going to live on campus; the plan was to commute.
My chest tightens with guilt. “Babe, you know I love you,” I whisper. “But I can’t sacrifice my dreams for you.” A tear escapes down my cheek.
The laugh he lets out is cold. “But if roles were reversed? You’d expect me to. Right? That’s how this works? Tell me I’m wrong.”
His words hurt, but there’s truth in there. I feel terrible for letting it happen like this. I should’ve told him, but I honestly didn’t think I’d get accepted down there. I thought I’d have to stay here and live on campus. That’s not what I wanted though and deep down I am happy.
Tears continue to build in me rapidly. “We can make it work.”
“No. Ella, I’m not doing that.” He shakes his head. “I’ll drive myself crazy not being able to see you. I can’t.”
My heart shatters into a million pieces as the reality for us sets in.
“Please just try it. Please,” I beg.
“I don’t want to.” His eyes are glassy with tears too. I can’t hold mine in anymore. I get out of his truck and start walking.
“Ella,” Jesse calls, his voice uneven, broken. “Ella Kate. Get back in the truck.”
I shake my head; that’s the last thing I’ll do. Sadness burns inside me and my chest pinches, but beneath it all, there’s still a love for him so deep it’s impossible to ignore. And that makes it hurt even more.
End of flashback
Jesse shakes his head. “I’m sorry for how I acted back then. I was a jerk, I was stubborn.”
“You’re not the only one to blame. I shouldn’t have kept it from you,” I confess.
“I can’t sit here and say that would’ve changed the outcome, though. If anything, it would’ve made the decision to break up happen faster.”
“Oh.” I look down at my hands, and a lump forms in my throat. That wasn’t exactly what I thought he’d say.
“I just …” He sighs. “I didn’t want to do long distance, El. That’s what my issue was.”
My voice sharpens, laced with the pain I’ve carried for so long. “It would’ve been better than calling it quits. I mean …”—I pause—“ you didn’t even try. You made me feel like I wasn’t worth anything. Because, if I wasn’t worth it for you, I couldn’t be worth it for anyone.”
I can tell my words hurt him; he looks at me with sorrow in his blue eyes. “I’m sorry. I am. Losing you was hell. There were so many nights I just hated myself for ending things. I missed you. I wanted to talk to you and I couldn’t.”
Now I’m just bawling my eyes out. Opening this wound up again might be the most painful thing I’ve ever done.
I never stopped thinking about Jesse in all these years.
I always still cared for him and wondered where life took him.
It makes me so happy to see he’s right where he always thought he’d be.
Minus the dreams of marrying me, having babies, and growing old together, he’s got his dream job.
Being an outfitter, taking over the family business.
Jesse slides across the bench seat. I feel his arm wrap around my neck and he pulls me in.
“Come here,” he says gently.
My shaking body starts to calm down the second it hits his chest. He rests his head against mine and I feel his fingers tracing circles on my shoulder.
Neither one of us speaks; this hug speaks for itself.
His arms wrapped around me make me feel overwhelmingly safe and comfortable. Just like they always did.
“We both made mistakes, and I don’t care how long it takes us to forgive each other. I’m not letting you walk away again.”
I meet his gaze. His blue eyes are glassy and searching for approval. He brings his other hand up and traces his finger along the edge of my face, tucking my hair back behind my ear.
“I’m still yours, baby,” he whispers and presses his lips against mine.
His hand sweeps back along my cheek and into my hair. My heart races and butterflies swarm in my stomach.
He pulls back. “Is this okay?” he asks.
His breathing is quick and unsteady, just like mine. He swallows while he waits for me to answer. Unable to form words, I just nod my head and let him kiss me again.
The kiss deepens quickly. His other hand presses on the middle of my back to bring our bodies closer, closing the small space that was between us.
I feel his heart beating fast, insanely fast. His mouth moves against mine with a tenderness that I melt into.
It all feels so right, the same as it always did.
I want to forget everything. Forget the mess I left behind in Texas, the reason I came back.
Forget the things I’m not ready to talk about.
I just want to bask in this. The connection between us, the way his hands feel on my skin.
The way he holds me, like I’m the only thing that matters.
He’s always made it so easy to get lost in the world around us.