Chapter 15
Ibury my nose in Cole’s wispy hair, unable to stop myself from breathing in his smell, even as my heart hurts from the way it’s matted with sweat. Anything to reassure myself that he’s alive. Fuck. After losing my daughter, I don’t know what I’d do if Cole was taken from me too.
Struggling not to hold Cole too tight, I let the tears finally break through, even as I force myself not to let the pain slip through audibly.
I can't let Cole hear it, especially as he’s back to silent whimpers of his own.
When I get my hands on that nanny, I’m going to tear her apart, piece by piece, until my need for blood is sated.
But right now? Right now, I need my son in my arms.
The touch on my back brings me crashing back to reality, and the knowledge there are two other people here who also have a claim on Cole.
With a shaky breath, I force myself to pull back a bit, to at least not crowd my—our—son.
Fuck. The spiraling is still there. The darkness has barely receded, and it scares me.
What if the abyss never truly leaves? How can I be a father like this? Hell…maybe Antonio was right. Maybe it was my fault that Amy was taken from me. Maybe my angel was destroyed because I’m such a failure and I deserve it.
Swallowing as bile works its way up my throat, I stare down into Cole’s innocent, wide eyes.
I struggle to focus, and my soul shatters when I make out him mouthing the word “sorry” over and over.
I bite the inside of my cheek hard, tasting coppery blood, but I don’t let up.
I need the redirection or I’ll scream at the pain chasing through my veins.
It feels like I’m being thrust into a fire, burning, dying, inch by inch.
I finally break my trance to look over at my Dom, trying to draw strength from him, but I can’t.
I’m drowning, and I can’t say a fucking word.
I stumble over to the bed, careful not to jostle Cole as I sit down.
I kiss him on the head, trying to reassure him, to let him know he’s loved, because he’s my entire world.
I shudder as I manage to whisper, “Daddy loves you. We all do. There’s nothing to be sorry for.
We’re sorry we didn’t see what was going on.
You don’t need to be perfect for us, because you are the gift we never knew to ask for, the dream we didn’t allow ourselves, and that makes you perfect for us, no matter what. ”
I don’t know how much gets through to him, but his whimpers finally settle. It’s painful to hand him off to Carter, the loss of him in my arms… It’s an emptiness that mocks me, that reminds me of what I’ve already lost, but I know it’s unfair to keep him all to myself.
Keegan sits down next to me as Carter rocks Cole. I watch them, wishing my heart would let me enjoy the scene in front of me, but I can’t. I can’t find the joy in it when the fear and misery still beats so hard inside me, spreading poison through my veins.
I grasp Keegan’s hand and lean into him.
I don’t know what Carter is murmuring to our son, but I'm certain I trust him. I trust him more than myself right now. Fuck knows if I’ll ever be able to trust myself again.
Hell, maybe it would be better if Cole was only Keegan and Carter’s. I obviously can’t be trusted.
“Where are you, Tease?”
I startle, surprised to see Carter sitting next to me. Time has disappeared on me again. Shame fills my cheeks, and I know I need to tell Keegan, but fear chokes me. It tells me not to, and warns that I’ll be sent away, but if Cole is going to be safe…
“Marcus. I need an answer now.” I turn to stare at Keegan, my breath catching at the pain in his eyes.
“I…I’m sorry. I…I can’t. I uh…I think I need to see Javi.”
Keegan squeezes my hand tighter, and he leans over to whisper in my ear. It's not that he’s trying to hide anything, but the words he mutters are a balm to my heart, healing cracks I didn’t know were there.
“It’s alright, Tease. I’ll be with you every step of the way, and so will Carter. You won’t lose us, and you won’t lose Cole. We love you. Always. No matter what the darkness says.”
And fuck if he doesn’t understand what I can’t. The darkness. The demons. The way they press in on me. The swirl of it taking, always taking, and drowning me. For once, I can say I fully understand Lio. And fuck if that isn’t the biggest wake up call of them all…
I need to get better for our son…to learn to be a dad again. Until then, the two men that I love, that I trust, will watch over Cole, because right now? Right now, this daddy doesn’t even know if I can put one foot in front of the other…and that scares me more than anything.
I let go of Keegan’s hand and slip out of the room while Carter is distracted with Cole. I have one mission: Find Javi and get started. I whisper my own promise—my own plea, even if it won’t reach who it’s truly meant for right now.
Please, son, forgive me my shortcomings. No matter what, I’ll find a way back, I promise. Love you. Always.