Chapter 16
Cole finally falls asleep and I lay him in the middle of our bed, because like hell are any of us going to be comfortable with him not being in here…for a while. I can’t help brushing my fingers over his forehead, smoothing his hair back. I only pull away so as to not wake him.
Sitting back, I look at Keegan, my heart skipping a beat when I realize Marcus is no longer in the room with us. “Where…?”
Keegan sighs softly and reaches for my hand, pain and…fear in his eyes, along with a deep-seated sorrow that knocks the breath out of me. If I wasn’t already sitting, the weight of his emotions would have knocked me on my ass.
“Marcus…has gone to see Javi,” Keegan says softly.
My soul aches for my love, knowing it must have been bad for him to willingly leave Cole after just getting him back. But… “He could have asked him to come up here? I’m sure Javi would have understood.”
Keegan shakes his head and rubs his fingers along my own.
Soothing me or himself? “Marcus…it’s more than needing a simple pill or even a sedative to settle him.
He still harbors a lot of guilt and pain over Amy.
With Cole now, things have…spiraled. Marcus is so fucking strong, even if he won’t believe me right now.
But he has enough self-awareness to know he’s not okay, so… he went to Javi.”
I swallow, reading between the lines of what Keegan isn’t saying. Whether it's because he can’t, because he doesn’t want it to be real, or because he’s scared of breaking down, I don’t know.
I check on Cole, reassuring myself that he’s here, and still deeply asleep, before I pull my hand from Keegan’s and go to my knees. It’s awkward; I’m not Marcus, so I have no idea what I’m doing, but I settle myself in front of Keegan, placing my hands on his legs and staring up at him.
“What can I do? To make it easier on both of you?”
Keegan’s face softens and he reaches out to cup my cheek, his fingers skating over my scar.
“Nothing, Love. Just keep being you. Be here for me, Cole, and Marcus. That’s what we all need right now.
Marcus…he’ll get the help he needs, and between Javi and Doc, they’ll take care of him.
They'll make sure he’s not alone, so that he can’t…
They have a protocol for this, and they are able to give him the support he needs, so that, in turn, we can support each other and Cole. ”
My eyes burn with tears and my breath catches in my lungs. This is your fault. If you didn’t lose Cole. If you were a better father, a better partner, Marcus wouldn’t need to be placed under suicide watch…
“No, Love!” Keegan says firmly, both hands now on my face, forcing my eyes to meet his.
“Whatever you’re thinking, whatever misplaced guilt or blame you have, this is not on you.
Marcus is still dealing with the loss of Amy, and this only brought it to the surface so much more.
You do not get to take the blame for that.
We dealt with the fucker who took Marcus’s angel, and we will deal with the ones who tried to take our son. ”
“But if I—”
“If I hear one more word out of your mouth that takes the blame for what happened to Cole, I will put you over my knee. Is that what you want, Carter? Do you need me to redden your ass?”
I swallow, at a loss for how to answer. This…having a Dom is so new to me, and I don’t know how to handle it.
Keegan tightens his grip on my face. The promise of having bruises should irritate me, but instead, I press closer, wanting him to mark me as his.
“What can I do?” I ask.
“Just be here. Love Cole, love Marcus. We’ll remind them every day for the rest of our lives of how much we love and need them.
We’ll do whatever we need to do in order to show them how much they mean to us.
I don’t know what’s going to happen with Marcus, that’s up to him and Javi now, but I promised him we’ll be there every step of the way, that we’ll always love him. ”
I swallow and nod. “We will. You and Marcus…you’ve given me so much more than I ever hoped.
I always wanted a family, and you’re making that dream come true when I thought I had lost my one and only chance.
I will do whatever it takes to keep it. If it means sitting with Marcus every chance I get and reminding him of that, I will.
I’ll take care of Cole too. Whatever he needs. ”
Keegan smooths his hands over my cheeks. “I know you will. You’re a good man, and an even better father. It’s why we fell so deeply for you. Will you take care of yourself, too? See one of the therapists Javi is bringing in?”
I hesitate, thinking it over before giving my answer.
“I don’t have the same hangups the rest of the Amatos do.
But…I need to think about it. I…I want to be better for you, Marcus, Roman, and Cole.
This…guilt I have, it’s crushing, but when I’m with you?
With our family? It helps. I just…it’s fucking terrifying. ”
“I know, Love. I know.” He leans in and presses a kiss to my forehead. “I’ll talk to Javi in the morning about getting a child psychologist for Cole, too. Either the one we were using when we first adopted him, or if he knows a different one, it doesn’t matter, so long as we get him some help.”
“I don’t like how he’s barely said a word. Aside from the first outburst when Tennant handed him over…he’s been too quiet.”
“I know. We’ll get to the bottom of it.”
“For you too?” I ask.
Keegan studies me for a long moment before letting out a harsh breath.
“I don’t know how this works, Keegan,” I tell him.
“Cris and I…we played with knives and blood, yeah, but that was never thought out or planned. It happened after he tortured me when my true identity was revealed. We never defined it. Never set any rules. So…I don’t know how to do this.
” I motion to our current position: me on my knees for him.
“But what I do know? I want it. I want to watch you dominate Marcus. I…want you to teach me to do the same. And…I want you to show me what it’s like to let go and submit to you.
But I also want to take care of you, and I don’t know how. ”
“Oh, Love.” He presses our foreheads together. “You are, Carter. This, being here with me, for me, it helps.”
“I want to be strong enough for you to lean on me, too,” I whisper.
“You are. I promise, Love. You are the bravest, strongest man I know, outside of Marcus. The two of you heal me in ways I can’t explain.”
I bite my lip, staring into his foggy eyes. “You promise?”
“I do. But…yes, you’re probably right. I should talk to Javi about myself, too. After we get Cole, Marcus, and you settled.”
I pull back and scowl at him. “No. It doesn’t work like that. We do this together. The four of us. We’re a family, are we not? Let me support you, even if I have no fucking idea how.”
He huffs. “Giving orders to your Dom?”
I have no fucking idea what I’m doing, but it feels right, so I say, “Yes.”
Amusement crosses Keegan’s features before he leans in again and kisses me softly. “Okay. I promise, I’ll take care of myself so I can take care of all of you.”
“Thank you. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Now, come on, up.” He stands from the bed. “We need sleep if we’re going to be there for Marcus and Cole in the morning.”
I allow him to pull me to my feet. “You’ll sleep too? Not just creepily watch me like you have been?”
He laughs a little. “I’ll try.”
I nod, calling that good enough, knowing I probably won’t sleep well either.
We lay on either side of Cole, our hands tangled together and resting on his back as he sleeps. Our son’s rhythmic breathing helps calm me, and my eyes threaten to close the longer I stare at the sleeping boy.
“I’m here, Love,” Keegan says. “I’ve got you both.”
I squeeze his hand. “I have you, too, Sir.”
Keegan lifts my hand to his mouth and presses a kiss to it, and I allow my eyes to close and stay like that. Trusting in him, and in Marcus, and the family we’re building.
We’ll be okay. We will. Because none of us are doing this alone.