Chapter 20
Well, that didn’t go as expected, and for a moment, I feel bad for Allesandro. Just for a moment, though. Pity…is an emotion that doesn’t belong here.
“Are you okay?” I ask quietly. There’s a beat of silence, and that’s all my patience allows for before I try again. “Sandro, how are you doing?”
He startles, looking across the bed to me, his blue eyes not as vibrant as they should be after his first scene connecting with his Boy. “Oh…you’re asking me?”
I bite my tongue to avoid saying something scathing. “Lio is out for now; the emotions and endorphins took him quickly.”
He looks down at the Boy in his arms, seeing that my assessment is correct. If he questions how I know that without seeing Lio’s face, he underestimates how attuned I am to my Little Monster.
“Answer the question, Sandro,” I order, not giving him an out.
“I…I don’t know. I’m glad I was able to give him what he needed.”
I stare at him. “Was it what you needed?” He looks at me in confusion, and I resist the urge to shake him.
“I may be new to the whole…kink thing, at least in the way Emilio uses it. However, I know it’s a give and get, a push and pull.
He’ll show you whatever you want to see, you only have to ask it of him. ”
As he looks down, there’s pain in his expression, and I hate him for it. “I was trying to stay within the limits you and Hollis set, as well as to not hurt him…again.”
I sigh, letting him hear me. Reaching over, I grip his chin, forcing his devastated eyes to mine.
“No, don’t do that. Do not put this on me or Hol.
We didn’t give you any rules, didn’t set any expectations, and if you felt we did…
if we weren’t clear that we were allowing you to give our Boy what he needs…
then I’m sorry.” I try not to cringe as the word crosses my lips.
He stares at me, his lips parting slightly.
“Emilio is ours: yours, mine, and Hol’s. What you do with him, that is for you to decide.”
“How can you say that? Knowing what I did?”
“Because I trust him. Hollis and I have asked ourselves and each other what the most important thing is, and the answer is Emilio, and the trust we have in him. Do you trust him?”
“Yes,” he answers immediately. “I trust him and the rest of the Boys more than anything or anyone.”
“Then believe that we expect you to do what he wants—needs. I do not hate you, Sandro.” I hope the words ring with the truth I feel inside.
“Neither does Hollis. Roman does, but that’s his own issue.
Keep doing what you have been; showering him and Lio with love and attention, and he’ll eventually soften.
“Hollis and I? You don’t have to worry about us.
We may not trust you yet, but hate? No, we don’t hate you.
Especially now. How could I watch you give our Boy what he needs and hate you?
” I pause for a moment, letting him absorb my words while also gathering my thoughts. “It’s…irritating that I don’t.”
“You should.” His voice is soft but loud at the same time in the quiet room. “You shouldn’t trust or forgive me. I don’t deserve that.”
I make an irritated noise, one that stirs Lio a little. Removing my hand from Sandro’s chin, I drop it to Emilio’s back, gently caressing his bare skin and shushing him back to sleep. When he settles again, I slide from the bed and round it to Sandro’s side.
“Face me,” I order. He moves slowly, careful to not disturb the resting Boy. Looming over him, I once more raise his chin, forcing those blue eyes to meet mine. They’re dark and brooding, and for a moment, I wonder what they’d look like if they were full of tears.
Taming that part of myself, I lean down, so he sees nothing but me, and say, “Trust is…hard in this life, you know that more than most. Forgiveness is harder, because it is not just Lio who is in my thoughts when it comes to you, but…I saw today that you are more than just words. Actions are important to me, Sandro. Today, I saw you meant what you claimed. You love Emilio more than life.”
“Yes,” he replies. “He is…the reason I breathe, Tennant. I will never do anything to hurt him. I…I know I don’t deserve forgiveness.”
“Do not tell me what you deserve,” I say harshly. “I decide. Much like I decide if you deserve my Little Monster or not. I trust his judgment. Trusting you…it’ll come, or it won’t, but my trust in him will never waver. Do you trust him?”
“Yes, of course. I said I did already.”
I nod. “You did, but your actions today didn’t say that until it was almost too late.
Until you remembered that you are in charge.
He might have the power, giving you permission to hurt him…
but you decide how he gets it. I was worried that I might have to put you down in front of him and traumatize him further because you were too far gone to remember that.
But…you surprised me, in a good way.” We stare at each other, my words sitting heavily between us.
“I am quite looking forward to seeing more.”
He sucks in a breath. Doubt crosses his features and I move my hand to cup his cheek, rubbing at his skin, trying to soothe him.
“You need to forgive yourself, Sandro. For Lio, for me and Hollis.”
“How can I?”
“Because I’m asking you to. I see how hard you’re trying, and know you’ll continue working at it for him…and for me, won’t you?”
He lets out a shuddering breath, closing his eyes briefly. “I…will work on it. If you think I deserve it.”
Do I? Does he? I want to say no. I want to stab him and let him bleed out…but that won’t help Lio. As much as I hate it, and want to hate him, I know it’s not just Lio that I can do this for, but for Sandro too.
“You do. You deserve to find who Sandro is, and that means forgiving yourself the way Lio has, the way Hollis and I are working toward. Keep showing us that you deserve to be here, Sandro. Not by doing what you think we want, but by showing us who you really are. The only rule we have for you? Talk to us. We cannot help if you keep your pain silent.”
Before he can say anything, before doubt can enter his mind and ruin this for us both, I lean in and kiss him.
He moans into my mouth, letting me take control.
His beard is a different sensation, but it’s so him, and I find myself enjoying it.
I kiss him deep, moving my hand to the back of his head and threading my fingers into his hair.
When I pull away, I use my grip on his hair to tilt his head back. “You’re not alone anymore, Sandro. You don’t have to be responsible for anything you don’t want to be. I’m here now.”
His lips are shiny and spit-slick, and the urge to shove him to his knees for me is strong, but I doubt he’d appreciate that.
“Bed. You need aftercare as much as the Little Monster does.” I remove my clothes, tossing my suit over the dresser at the other end of the room, aware of him watching my every move.
Settling back on the bed, I pull Emilio to me. He goes easily, draping himself over my chest, and for a fleeting moment, I wonder how much he heard through his haze of pleasure, relief, and sleep. Hopefully, enough for him to realize how fucking much I love him.
Sandro lies next to us and I reach out and tug at him, urging him to move in closer and rest against my side, his head on my shoulder.
Sighing, I force myself to relax, silently vowing to protect them both as they rest and recover from such an emotionally wrought afternoon.