Chapter 40
My eyes widen at the sight entering my medical room.
Javi is in his normal, uh…interesting outfit.
My gaze lingers on his bowtie and suspenders.
They match this time, which wouldn’t be odd, except the pattern is kittens.
All different types with a dizzying color of yarn.
I shift my gaze to the person standing next to him, who is just as much of a standout, but more put together.
My heart takes a hit when I notice the man’s gorgeous makeup.
It makes me wonder what’s going on with Benjamin, and the guilt from not checking up on him swamps me.
In addition to the makeup, he’s wearing dark-blue khakis and a baby-blue polo.
At least, it’s matching, and quite honestly, it's appealing.
“Lio, I’d like you to meet Anderson. He’s here to begin your therapy.” Javi watches me carefully, but I keep my face blank. I’m not sure what to think about this, but I know if I don’t do it, Roman never will. Fuck. My back is against the wall.
I nod in acknowledgment, unable to get any words past my lips.
Anderson gives me a bright smile, the type that’s meant to relax a victim—it doesn’t.
If anything, my heart rate climbs higher as I stare in horror at the way-too-put-together man.
I guess I’ve gotten used to the comfortable clothes lately, so Anderson is… overwhelming.
Anderson turns to Javi, claps his hands and says, “I’m sure Lio and I will get along fine. Didn’t you say you had coffee coming for us?”
Javi scowls, but he murmurs something under his breath that sounds like an agreement. In a louder but gentle voice, he reassures me. “If you need me, you can call, or even just text. For now, I’m going to step out so you can talk.”
“Don’t forget the coffee!” Anderson calls as Javi leaves, before gesturing to the chair next to the bed. “Do you mind if I sit?”
I shrug, unsure what to say to him. Instead, I watch him warily as he sits next to me, that annoying smile on his face. I’m not sure if he’s waiting for me to say something, but the stretching silence screams louder than any words I can throw out.
Glancing down at the bandages covering my wrists, which are not nearly as thick as they used to be, shame slams into me. I peek at Anderson, who seems perfectly content to enjoy the quiet.
There’s a knock at the door and he stands up gracefully, calling for whoever it is to enter.
I’m not surprised to see the maid with her push cart.
The heavenly aroma of coffee soothes the ragged edges of my mind, and I take a deep breath, letting it wash over me.
Of course, there’s a basket of baked goods to go with it, which makes me smile, even if it stirs a complicated feeling inside me.
“Oh! These look delicious. Any particular pastry you’d like?” Anderson asks as he examines the artful display of deliciousness.
I shake my head, but accept the cup of coffee he hands me. Anderson sits back down, crossing his legs to where he can balance a plate on his lap. It’s actually impressive. He nibbles at the apple turnover, his eyes widening in pleasure.
“Wow, your chef is amazing.”
I give a strangled laugh while shaking my head. “That’s not from the chef. It’s from Master. He sends me daily baked goods now.”
Anderson’s eyebrows pull toward each other as his brow furrows. “Master?”
I shift uncomfortably, unsure how to explain things to him. Finally, I just shrug and say, “Yeah, my Master.”
With a nod, he sets his pastry aside and taps his lips. “Did you know that I’m actually married, but in addition to a husband, I have a Daddy?”
“No, I didn’t.” I shrug. “That’s pretty normal here. Master used to be my Daddy as well, but…things happened. It’s okay. He’s my Papa Bear now. I have a different Daddy, and an Owner.”
“That sounds like you have a strong community. How does that work for you?” he asks, his tone soft and surprisingly nonjudgmental.
I bite my lip, trying to think about how to put it into words. It’s hard because even I don’t understand it at times. “Um…well, Hollis is my Owner. He has the final say on things, and I can trust him to steady me. He’s my Angel.
“Daddy is Tennant, and he’s my feels whisperer. It’s hard for me to figure out feelings sometimes, but Daddy does a good job of helping me to understand them. Plus, he gives the best cuddles.
“Master is…well, that’s complicated. We’re in the process of finding our way back to each other, I guess that's the easiest way to put it. He’s…
he’s my reason. You know what I mean? My reason for getting up every day.
My soul knows his, and despite the damage we’ve done to each other, I know I’m safe with him.
“And then there’s Roman, my stabby soulmate. There’s no dominance and submission there. Just two best friends who found their missing pieces together. He’s the heartbeat. He’s the underlying love song, I guess you could say.”
Anderson picks up his coffee, taking another sip as I finish awkwardly.
There’s a reason Daddy is the feels whisperer.
Fucking feels are hard to talk about, much less understand.
At least the guy doesn’t seem to be turned off by the unique relationships I have, which is good because just wait until he starts discovering some of the other relationships.
“I’m glad you have the support. Aside from romantic relationships, what about friendships?”
With a deep sigh, I stare at the blanket covering my legs.
Shrugging one shoulder, I try yet again to figure out what to say.
If this is what therapy is like, I'll pass. Hard. Still, Javi promised it would help, so I grit my teeth and open up my heart once again, poking at the wound that hasn’t yet closed.
“Benjamin was my best friend. I’m not sure he is anymore.
Things… Fuck. They got messed up. I had him in a special…
role. And he didn’t do well in it. Instead of talking to me about it, he threw a lot of things away, including our friendship.
It doesn’t help that he struggles with jealousy, and so my relationship with Roman—even when we were just friends—bothered him.
And then I crossed a line with Tennant… Dammit. I’m not sure what to say.”
“Say whatever you’re feeling; this is a non-judgmental zone,” Anderson encourages me, but my soul feels sick, like I’m scooping out the ugliness for him to examine. Snorting, I force myself to go on.
“Benjamin and Tennant became a couple before I did anything with Tennant. And…I didn’t handle it well.
Yet, Benjamin was forced to accept when I fell in love with Tennant.
It…fuck, I didn’t realize how badly I screwed things up.
” I drop my head into my hands, the pounding inside my skull almost becoming too much.
Anderson makes a non-committal noise, not pushing me to say more about it. Thank fuck. Instead, he asks, “And other friends?”
“Well, there are my Brothers.” At his confused look, I laugh, feeling the weight lift just slightly.
“Not biological. I call them my Brothers as we were all Il Padrone’s Boys.
Benjamin used to tease that we were an incestuous bunch, and…
fair. But I love each one of them as a brother.
If they need something, I’ll give it to them.
Even Antonio when he’s being pushy about me wearing the proper suit.
“Umm, aside from that, there’s not really anyone.
I thought I was making friends with Rose.
She’s a nurse here, but I haven’t seen her since I…
Since I…I tried to kill myself. So I’m not sure if she’s mad at me.
I’m still kept pretty far away from things.
Although Javi wants me to start integrating more.
We’re going to do family meals again, and I’m really looking forward to that. ”
“Family meals?”
“Yeah, it was something Master put an emphasis on. All of us Martellis together. But now the Martellis don’t really exist. We’ve grown, it’s…
Well, I think I’d need several long sessions to go over it all.
But now we have a Council, and there’s three of us who lead—Roman, Carter, and me.
With Keegan and Jude as our Voices. They're certainly two of the most stable and wise members we have. It’ll be nice to actually see people again,” I say wistfully.
Fuck, when did I start missing people?
“I’m glad to know you have these people in your life.
I’ll be honest with you, therapy is difficult.
There’s a lot we’ll do that will bring up bad memories, and that’s going to make you exhausted.
The brain needs rest, too. And when it gets too much, while you can reach out to any of the medical staff, I want you to think about the people you just told me about.
The ones you clearly love. Therapy is a journey, and while nobody can go through it for you, don’t be afraid to lean on your loved ones. ”
I purse my lips, understanding kicking in. It’s true that I have far more people than I thought I did. It feels weird bringing my shit onto them, but…maybe. It’s something to consider, I guess.
“Today was just about brief introductions, and to understand a little more about you. Javi said he told you this is a partnership, right?” I nod my agreement.
“Well, this is the same thing. We’ll take this journey together.
There are several types of therapy, and we’ll find the one that works best for you.
All I ask is that you work hard and don’t give up on it. We will get you there.”
I give him a weak smile, accepting another cup of coffee from him before he excuses himself, likely to add more notes to my file.
With a deep exhale, I try to keep myself calm, but my thoughts begin to splinter.
Especially when I think about Benjamin, and the wrong I did there.
I grab my phone, holding it tightly as I pray that Anderson is right, and I truly do have support.
I send a message, hoping the man who receives it has time.
My Owner. My Angel. And right now? Hopefully, my sanity…