Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
“Oh,” Temperance said, her eyes lighting up. “You brought William!”
Hyde Park looked beautiful in the afternoon sun. Jessamine led the way, a parasol twirling in one hand. Servants trailed her, carrying picnic boxes and more parasols and blankets.
Lady Marwich and Temperance were already in position, looking across at the Serpentine River, and Jessamine joined them.
Lucy sat carefully down with them, William strapped against her chest, fast asleep.
Jessamine smiled at the nursemaid, then at her friends. “If the fresh air will be good for him, why not? When he wakes, you can hold him.”
Irene hurried over, her own maid behind, and she took a seat. “My goodness,” she said, stretching out. “I had not known there would be so much nausea. Barbara, tell me it eases.”
Lady Marwich laughed. “It eases, my dear. I imagine you must be in the thick of it. But soon enough, it should pass. And then you will be plagued with swollen ankles, crushed lungs, and hunger pangs.”
“What a splendid insight into pregnancy,” Irene said dryly.
“It’s always best to be prepared, or so I say.” Lady Marwich turned to Irene. “And how is motherhood treating you, my dear?”
“Well, he’s sleeping better than he was,” Jessamine said. “I suspect a touch of colic. But he seems to have gotten over that.”
“Ah.” Lady Marwich nodded knowingly. “That can happen.”
Lucy, with William, seated herself politely to one side, invisible as only good servants could be.
But Jessamine couldn’t stop herself from glancing over every few minutes to check that William was still asleep.
One of the times she checked, he was just blinking his sleepy eyes open, staring at the world as though he had never seen it before.
“Here,” Lady Marwich said, thrusting a strawberry into Jessamine’s hands. “Stop fussing, dear. You know that won’t make him grow any faster or slower, and it certainly won’t make him stop crying if he’s about to.”
Jessamine looked back over, accepting the strawberry. “I know that.”
Irene patted her hand. “You seem distracted. Are you all right?”
“Of course I’m all right,” Jessamine said.
There was no way she could confide in Irene with Temperance and Lady Marwich present. Even saying the words out loud made her shiver a little inside.
She had… Well, this time they had more than kissed.
“You are doing perfectly fine,” Temperance said. “About William, I mean. I think everyone thought he was a charming boy, and all those nasty rumors have almost stopped.”
“You’ll never quell them completely,” Lady Marwich said, and her chest swelled indignantly.
“There are always some who are determined to mine misery wherever they think they can find it, and if they think you are miserable in a marriage with a husband who disrespects you, trapped caring for a son whom your husband had out of the marriage, then they will do their best to spread it.”
“Misery loves company.” Irene spread her hands. “Chances are, it means they are unhappy with their lives.”
“But I am not entirely without influence.” Lady Marwich speared each one of them with a glare. “And I assure you that no one will spread rumors about our boy within my hearing.”
“Nor mine,” Irene said.
Our boy.
Jessamine felt her eyes sting. Rebecca hadn’t just been her friend or Andrew’s cousin; she had belonged to all of them, and now so did William, in a way. And knowing how far her friends would go to defend him touched her more than she could say.
“Thank you,” she said, smiling at each of them in turn. “It means so much to me to know that you—any of you—want to look out for our sweet boy.”
“Oh, of course!” Temperance gushed. “Even if we had not cared for Rebecca the way we did, how could we ever turn our backs on you? What is your burden is ours to bear.”
“Ours to share,” Lady Marwich corrected. “No harm will come to him.”
Unable to bear being apart from William, Jessamine collected him from Lucy and held him against his chest, supporting his head as he peered, wide-eyed, at the world around them.
“Sometimes, I get afraid,” she confided. “Rebecca entrusted him to me, but what if I fail them both somehow? What if William isn’t safe with me after all? What if I’m not up to being responsible for him? I thought I was, but…” Her voice trailed off.
She had been so determined to care for him single-handedly, she had given no consideration to the wider world and the role William would eventually play in it.
Irene placed her hand on her stomach as she stared at Jessamine thoughtfully.
“You know,” she said, “no one has given me a treatise on how to be a mother. Oh, I know such things exist, but I put very little stock in them, because they are largely about how one remains virtuous while raising a virtuous child, and heaven knows I was not a virtuous child, nor do I expect my baby to be.”
She slid her hand up the minuscule bump now visible.
“I mean the real parts of motherhood,” she continued.
“I know what I want: for my baby to enter the world and be sure of itself and to be safe and well-protected, and to grow to be happy. But there are so many expectations placed on its head already, and it hasn’t even been born yet. How am I supposed to know what to do?”
“No one ever truly knows,” Lady Marwich said.
“Some claim they do, but we are all human, and we all make mistakes. The most important thing is that William is secure and loved. You have a husband and his title to provide security, and you are more than capable of offering him love. That’s truly all that matters, and this comes from a woman who has raised a son. ”
Jessamine kissed the top of William’s perfect head.
“Thank you.” Her voice wobbled, but she endeavored to keep it steady. “Thank you all so much.”
Irene accompanied Jessamine home, and followed Jessamine up to her bedchamber. “Well?” she demanded the moment they were alone. “I know there’s something else you’re not telling me.”
Jessamine slumped on the bed. Not, thankfully, the bed she had defiled with her husband. “How could you possibly know that?”
“Because we are sisters. Joined by blood! We are one soul. And also, we lived together for several months, and I know when you’re keeping secrets. So, Jessie. Are you going to tell me your secrets?”
“It’s not a secret,” Jessamine said.
“Is it about the duke?”
Jessamine fell back and stared at the ceiling. “It feels as though everything in my life is about the duke.”
“Well?” Irene fell on the bed beside her, dislodging her pillows. “What is it? Did something happen? I’ve noticed the way he looks at you.”
Jessamine sent a sharp glance at her sister. “And how does he look at me?”
“Like he wants to skin anyone alive who makes you laugh. And also like he wants to undress you with his teeth.” Irene smirked. “Believe me when I say I recognize that look on a man’s face.”
Jessamine put both hands over her face. “Irene.”
“What? Are you telling me nothing of that nature occurred?”
“Well…” Jessamine dropped her hands. “Perhaps it did.”
“I knew it! But tell me everything, dearest. You invited us to a picnic today, so evidently whatever passed between you did not result in pledges of undying love.”
“I don’t love him,” Jessamine said with dignity. “I just… It’s complicated.”
“It’s your husband. If it’s not simultaneously complicated and confusing and difficult, then what is it?” She cleared her throat. “But you know, there’s no need to be scared of… of the natural things that pass between a husband and wife.”
“I’m not afraid,” Jessamine said, rolling over to face her sister.
“It’s more that I don’t want to risk anything happening to William.
If something goes wrong? If I risk my heart and something happens, how can we be there for William?
How will he know he’s loved if we can’t stand to look at each other? ”
“Are things that bad?” Irene demanded.
“No! At least… I hope not.” Jessamine snorted.
“Although what should I know? I went to sleep in his bed and awoke in mine, and he left first thing. I haven’t seen him since.
Perhaps he’s hoping to return to the first days where we barely saw or spoke to one another.
How should I know if he doesn’t speak to me?
” She fiddled with the hem of her sleeve.
“But even if he did, I don’t know what I would want him to say. Everything is so tangled in my head.”
“Well then, take the time to untangle it before you force a conversation,” Irene said. “There’s no need to rush things. You will be married for the rest of your lives. Just know that… If you do decide to let things happen as they will, I think it will make you very happy.”
Jessamine buried her head. “I don’t know. Perhaps.”
“As for William, Lady Marwich said it the best.” Irene tugged at Jessamine’s hair.
“As long as he has you, he will be loved. That’s what you do best, you know.
It’s why Rebecca was so fond of you, and why she chose you to be William’s godmother.
She knew that you would do everything you could to care for him in every way you could. Trust in that. Trust in Rebecca.”
Irene smiled gently when Jessamine raised her head.
“And if he proves himself to you, trust in Andrew,” she finally added.