11. Lee #2
I don’t know if I can take the look of disappointment on his face, so I stare at my feet.
“She left me with things that could have revealed the truth, and I let it sit there for seven months because I’m a coward.”
“Baby…”
I shake my head at him and keep going.
“Someone in the bureau recruited Emily for this project. I think they recruited her because of me. And I think they used her. She wasn’t the only student that died that night.
Three others in her class died that night too.
The reports make it look like they are unrelated and died of various causes.
But eventually, I got the true autopsy reports.
All of them had Vinculum in their system. And someone covered it all up.”
Julian stares at me then swipes his hand across his jaw. This is it. This is where he tells me I’m a terrible sister for not knowing what was happening and for not figuring it out sooner.
“You have been conducting an unauthorized investigation into a classified bureau program responsible for your sister’s death,” he says quietly. “And you’ve been doing it alone?”
“Not completely alone. Cal and Riley help when I need them, but I never gave either of them the whole picture.”
“And you kept it from me because—”
“Because you’re a doctor, and you’re so good, Julian.
Better than me. You save people, and I stopped caring who I had to destroy a long time ago.
” I swallow hard. “I didn’t want you becoming part of the string of felonies I committed trying to find justice for my sister.
I didn’t want to make you choose between being good and loving me. ”
He exhales through his nose. He’s angry and hurt. I bite my lip, waiting for him to lose it.
“I would’ve chosen you,” he says.
“I know. That’s why I didn’t tell you. And I’m not going to stop, Julian. I have to find the truth. Emily deserves it.”
Julian stays silent. I can tell he’s thinking about everything.
“The man in my apartment was part of it.”
I stare at my feet, avoiding his gaze.
“He had ties to the other girls that died. He admitted to knowing the girls were part of Project Vine. He didn’t have the information I needed about Emily. Or he was a really good liar.”
Julian stares at me, and I feel like I might combust under his watch.
“He trafficked teenage girls. He had been accused of assault more than once, but no one ever made a charge stick. He hurt young women, Julian. Girls Emily’s age. Girls younger than her.”
Julian’s face loses all color. “The man I tried to save.”
“Yes.” My voice drops to barely more than a whisper.
I force myself to hold Julian’s gaze.
“I killed him. He was never going to walk out of my warehouse anyways.”
He steps closer.
“What do you need from me now?”
I swallow.
“I need to know if you’re still willing to love me once you find out all the things I’ve done.
Because it’s been a lot more than I just told you.
And I justified most of it, but I’m bad.
I’m dirty now and working against my own team.
I’ve killed people, Julian. I either murdered or set up deaths.
And once I find out who filled my sister with the drugs that took her from me, I’m going to put a bullet in them myself. ”
I take a quick breath, bracing for him to tell me to fuck off.
He doesn’t, so I continue with my plea.
“I have redacted trial logs I can’t interpret on my own.
Dosages, adverse reactions, medical shorthand, and medical codes.
I need someone who understands clinical trials and what Vinculum was designed to do.
I need you to help me prove it wasn’t an accident.
And I need you to understand that if we do this, there’s no going back.
I always knew I would get caught, Julian.
Once I started down this road, I decided to blow up anything I could in my path, because I was going down anyway. ”
He steps closer to me and places his hand on my cheek.
“There is no way I couldn’t love you. My heart needs yours, babydoll. I’m not leaving your side.”
I know he means it, because everything he says is so honest and kind.
“I don’t deserve you, Julian.” My voice cracks, but I hold it together.
“You do. I’m sorry if you ever thought that was the truth. I’m sorry you ever felt my love required you to be clean or innocent or anything less than exactly what you are… that part is on me.”
A sob breaks out of me, ugly and helpless, and Julian crosses the last inch between us. His arms wrap around me before my knees can give out.
I love him too. Of course I do but I can’t say it back. I just… can’t because I want to believe him, but I’m so scared I’ll lose him again.
Julian eases back only far enough to reach past me and open the kitchen junk drawer. He removes a small black flash drive from beneath a drawer of dish rags.
“Elliot left this for you before he went back. He said it has everything he could find.”
Pain catches beneath my ribs, tangled with a burst of gratitude I do not want to feel.
“I chose you the second you smiled at me in that parking lot, babydoll. And I’m not going anywhere no matter what’s on that drive or what you do for Emily.”
I take the drive from his fingers. Our skin touches, and it’s electric like it always is. I can’t help but throw my arms around him once more.
“Thank you,” I whisper into his neck.
“Don’t thank me yet.” His voice is low, and he kisses the top of my head. “We haven’t seen what’s on it.”
I nod. “I’m still going to kill the fucker for ratting me out. A flash drive with some files isn’t enough for my forgiveness.”
“I’m not sure why I’m saying this in his defense.” He exhales. “But I think you need to hear him out before you kill him.”
My lips press together in a thin line.
“Eventually, we need to talk about Elliot.”
Jealousy flashes hot in his blue eyes, and his jaw locks.
“Eventually.”
Julian deposits both mugs in the sink and turns toward the hallway.
“Come on, Ettie, I know you’re dying to see the drive. I have a computer in here that’s made of your wet dreams, Elliot’s words, not mine.”
He looks over his shoulder and smiles at me. And suddenly the world doesn’t feel like it’s against me.
Julian Jameson knows all the parts of me, even the worst ones, and he still reaches back for my hand. He still loves me anyways.