Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
FYN
Ashlyn pounded on the wall three times.
I slid the last wooden button on my olive tunic through the loop before I went out into the hall and traced my steps to the last place we had met.
I was desperate to see that she wasn’t a shell of herself as she had been the day before.
There was nothing I could do to assure her of anything anymore. Knowing that gutted me.
The usual guards weren’t in the hall. I sped quickly to our meeting point.
She threw her braid over her shoulder, looking back at me as I approached.
“Please, tell me you are well,” I said.
“Fyn, I think Soren tried to…” She shook her head.
“Tried to, what?”
“They said the pastry that was in my room was Novena’s favorite… Novena. You know how unnaturally calm she is. I felt that way yesterday, but I felt it with a panic. Like I couldn’t be myself, I couldn’t say the things even when they nagged at me.”
“You think he was trying to alter you?” I forced myself to say it.
“I refused to eat it—and you see, I’m fine now. My lady’s maid was lying to me about it. She was insistent that I eat it.”
If this kingdom were in my jurisdiction, he would not still be standing.
“And that’s not all…”
“What happened?” The blood thickened inside of me.
“I believe something was taken from me. Something I came to Nythrel with.” Her cheeks turned a rosy pink.
“What was it?” I asked.
“I don’t want to tell you what it was.” She looked down at the floor.
“It sounds like it was something important to you. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
“The satchel I was carrying… it contained something slightly personal.”
“Like jewelry, or how personal are we talking here?” I had never seen her so reserved before.
“Something that would stop a woman from finding herself...”
“I’ll admit that you’ve lost me here. What could you have in your possession that would help you not find yourself?”
“Stop herself from being with child.” She turned away from me.
I slammed my hand into the wall. “Is that what Cora gave you before we left? A vial?”
“Yes. The purple ones.” She looked down at her hands as she clamped them tightly in front of her. “Why are you afraid to look at me?”
“How many did you have on you?” I almost didn’t want to know.
“Twenty, maybe…” She grew quieter.
“Twenty?!” I fought my voice as it rose without my command. “What could you possibly have needed twenty vials for?”
They were hers—and I had just disclosed to them what they were.
“I didn’t want to be forced to have children before I felt ready. I just wanted time… whatever I could allow myself.”
Twenty wouldn’t have given her long to delay it. I pressed my palm into the side of my neck. The thought of Soren forcing himself on her was making me sick.
“You think I’m awful, don’t you?” Her words shook.
“No. I think it’s awful that you felt you had to do that. That you prepared yourself for him to…” The tightness in my throat threatened me.
“Let me guess. You’d never force your bride to have your children either.”
“I would never force her to do anything she didn’t wish. Especially not this.” I folded under the weight of her gaze.
“I didn’t think so.” She rolled the bottom of her braid between her fingers.
“Ashlyn.” I had to tell her. “The fact that they took one—”
“They’d never know what it was—it’s fae. I can say it’s whatever I want it to be.”
“They know what it is.” I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of what he meant when he said the vials came in on a trade. “Remus handed one to me the other day. He asked me what it was used for. I told him.”
“You told him?” Her breathing grew faster as her eyes scanned mine. “Why?”
“They said it came in on a trade. An unexpected item on a trade from Nythrel.”
She grew even paler. “Great. They know I possess vials to stop myself from carrying an heir.”
“They know.” I couldn’t protect her from it.
“I won’t be able to use them. He’s just going to do whatever he wants with me, isn’t he?”
“Ashlyn.”
“He will just alter me again—and then, he will take advantage of my inability to fight back.”
“No, he won’t.” I didn’t know how I’d stop him, but I needed to stop him.
“You don’t hear all the things he says to me. He despises everything I am—everything I say.”
“How could he?” I fought against every bit of fury I felt. She wasn’t just marrying a man that couldn’t love her like I would. She was marrying one that would seek to destroy her. “Your radiance can’t be ignored.”
“Don’t say things like that to me, because then on my wedding day, I will just wish it was you instead.”
“Do you wish that?” If she wished that, it might break me.
“Why must you make me say it?” Her head tilted so she could see around me.
I glanced back at the empty hall before I looked into her eyes. “Because I love you and even if I can never have you… I want to know.”