Chapter 16 #4
Cody let the silence stretch on. Waited for her to speak again.
Then she did, her voice small. “I don’t know if I was in love with him anymore.
I don’t even know how to separate the idea of love from security.
Because that’s what I wanted. I wanted it more than love.
” She swallowed hard. “Sex wasn’t really that important to me.
Not that we didn’t have… Sorry, do you even want to hear this? ”
He leaned in, making eye contact with her, conviction burning in his chest. “I have never wanted to hear anything more.”
And he meant it. He didn’t know how to get to know another person. Not deeply. Not without them hanging around, witnessing the trauma in his life, and getting to know him from that. From growing together, living together, surviving together.
This was a first for him. Wanting to know someone. Wanting them to know him. And maybe it would be the first time of a few. That thought was jarring, strange.
Was he changing? Was it possible that he might be changing for the better?
Was it possible that maybe he wasn’t going to have to keep tight control on himself forever or become his father?
Maybe he had more control over all of that than he had ever believed.
It was easy, talking to her out in the hall, to believe that he was uncovering all these bad things about himself by giving into this desire between them, but that was a choice. She wanted it.
He wasn’t taking advantage of her.
Truth be told, he couldn’t be totally certain whether or not he would’ve done this if she had still been married. And he could never know that. It didn’t feel like there was a world where he could resist her.
But even that didn’t feel so bad right now.
Maybe someday he could be something more like normal. Because she seemed to be working out her stuff right in front of him at this kitchen table, so maybe he could do it too.
It seemed like a pretty far-fetched dream, but at the same time, so was this resort.
“I’d like to be done dealing with issues,” she said. “Not just right now. I mean, in general.”
“You’re singing my song,” he said. “I would love to wake up tomorrow and just be done with it all.”
“Right?” she said heavily. “I think the thing I’m mad at Aiden about is that he gave me more to deal with. And I just find that inconsiderate.”
She smiled and then started laughing. Not so much out of good humor, but that kind of hysteria that you felt when things really were just ridiculous. He was familiar. He stood up, leaned in, and picked her up off the chair, bringing her down onto his lap back in his chair.
She stopped laughing. She looked down at him, cupped his face. “I can make you forget for a little while.”
He could make them both forget. If there was one thing he could do, it was promise her a little bit of oblivion.
He didn’t know about healing. He had never seen it in action, not in his life.
His father had died a bitter old narcissist, his mother had died broken over a man who would never love her back.
Healing… He didn’t know if it was possible. He might like to fantasize about it, but he was never going to bet the farm on it, so to speak.
But a little bit of a break? A little bit of happiness, a little bit of pleasure, he had found that with her.
He was hard, the lush press of her thighs against him getting him there at record speed.
But he didn’t want to rush it.
He remembered when they had kissed out back at the barn. The way that it had thrilled him, just to explore her mouth.
But then, there had been a chance of somebody interrupting them. Hell, every time they’d been together, it had been a little bit of a risky situation.
One of the cabins in the middle of the day that many members of staff could access if they wanted to. The back of the barn. His truck up on a ridge.
Tonight, they were alone. For the whole night. Tonight, they were behind a locked door, in her private residence, and no one was going to come barging in.
He wanted to satiate himself. Indulge himself completely in her.
He traced the edge of her cheekbone, down toward her jaw, her chin, her lips. Then he kissed her. Slow and deliberate.
Like he had nothing better to do, because he didn’t.
“I can help you forget all your problems,” he whispered against her mouth.
“Please,” she said.
“It’s never been like this for me,” he said.
“I’ve always…” He didn’t even know how to say it.
Because he didn’t want to compare her to the other woman he’d been with.
There was no deficit in those women. It was just that…
It had been different for him. Something was different now.
He couldn’t define it. It was chemistry, maybe, something that transcended basic sexual attraction and became something entirely more combustible.
It was something he didn’t have the vocabulary for. Not that that surprised him. He didn’t have the vocabulary for a whole lot of basic shit that he felt like he ought to have, but he wanted her.
“It’s never been like this,” he said, because it was all he could say.
“Not for me either,” she said.
She shifted on his lap, straddling him, her dress riding up her thighs, and then she gripped the bottom of the dress and pulled it up over her head, his mouth going dry as he looked at the way she filled out her lacy bra, her lush breasts spilling over the top of it. She was glorious.
Her beautiful red hair, her perfect figure, at least, perfect to him. There wasn’t a single thing on her body he would want different. But he had the bone-deep sense that if time, childbirth, life, changed that body, he would find it perfect then too.
He had never felt anything like that. That deep certainty.
It made his jaw hurt. Made him feel like he wanted to punch a hole in the wall, climb a mountain, fight a bear.
For her.
Wanted to fly back to New York and beat the ever-loving shit out of Aiden.
But he didn’t say any of that. Because it felt like it was too closely related to promises he knew he couldn’t make to things he had said he didn’t want.
To things he had been sure he didn’t want until right this moment.
But he couldn’t change plans, not plans that intense, all that quickly.
Especially not when it was this important.
So instead, he grabbed a hold of her hips, leaned in, and kissed her stomach.
She made a small, soft sound and let her head fall back.
He moved his hands up her body, so soft, so perfect.
He reached back and unclipped her bra, revealing those gorgeous breasts to his hungry gaze.
God, he wanted her. He wanted to devour her.
He couldn’t get close enough to her.
There wasn’t enough. There would never be enough.
How did people live like this? Did they? Did other people feel this way all the time about somebody?
Was this what his mother had felt? This deep desperation to be closer, to be one person.
It was terrifying. Intense. Like riding a toboggan downhill, no brakes, no cushion. Just the thrill of the ride, unless you hit a wall and died from the intensity of it all.
But it felt worth it. Right now, it felt like it would be worth it.
She moved her hips against the hard ridge of his arousal, pressed against the front of his jeans, and he ground. One hand clamped down tight on her hip, pulling her harder against him as he reached up to cup her breast with his free hand.
He could die happy like this.
But instead of dying, he just kissed her again, slow and languorous, sliding his tongue against hers, pouring all of his need into her.
He didn’t even realize he was talking to her until he picked her up off the chair, lips still against hers as he realized he was whispering all these internal feelings out loud. “You’re so beautiful. I could hold onto you forever. I just want to be inside you.”
She whimpered, wrapping her legs around his waist as he carried her out of the kitchen and into the bedroom.
She pressed her hands to either side of his face, kissed him, cut off everything that he had been saying, but it didn’t stop him from thinking it.
Carnal prayers he was sending out to the divine, because he didn’t ask for much, God knew.
But he wanted something. Something deeper, something more than he had ever had before.
He didn’t understand it. He didn’t know what to call it.
All he knew was that he had never felt like this in his life.
And he had felt a hell of a lot of things.
He had been afraid for his survival, for the survival of his siblings, worried about food and shelter and resources.
About school, about what being an adult would look like.
He had been worried about being a villain, but he had never been so desperate to be the hero.
It was all new. All intense like nothing he had ever felt before.
It was so painful, but so good all at once.
This was a good, sharp sort of pain, and he never wanted it to end.
He needed it too, though, needed to be inside of her. Needed to chase down his release, or wanting it would kill him.
He lay her down on the bed, moved away from her, and stripped his clothes off quickly.
Thank God he had a condom with him. But he wished he had more than one.
He was creative, though. He would have no trouble keeping them both satisfied all night. Even if they didn’t have protection.
He looked at her, lying there on the bed, wearing only her underwear, and the beast that roared inside of him was feral.
He leaned down, gripped the front of her panties, and pulled them down her thighs.
Then he pressed his hands to her inner thighs, spread her legs wide, gave himself a perfect view of her glorious body.
“Goddamn,” he whispered. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Prettier than a sunrise, prettier than the mountains. Prettier than every single thing I’ve ever sworn my allegiance to on this land. You are a natural wonder.”
He didn’t know if that made any sense. He didn’t know if it was sexy or ridiculous. He kind of didn’t care.