Prologue #8
"Are we?" I glanced at her, just for a second. "After everything I just said to you? After I told you I'm in love with you? After I laid out every feeling I been hiding for years? You think you can sleep on my couch and I'm supposed to act like my heart ain't on my sleeve?"
"I don't know what you want me to say."
"I don't want you to say anything."
"So you're just abandoning me?" Her voice cracked, and I could hear the tears starting again. "When I need you most?"
"I'm not abandoning you," I said, but even I could hear how weak it sounded. "I'm taking you somewhere safe."
"That's not what I need!" Her voice rose, frustration bleeding through. "I need you, Dillion. I need my best friend. The way it's always been. Why can't we just—"
"Because it can't be the way it's always been!
" The words came out harder than I meant, louder.
I had to take a breath, had to calm down.
"I can't do it anymore, Aurelia. I can't sit on the couch with you and pretend I don't wanna touch you.
I can't watch a movie with you curled up under my blanket and act like I don't wanna pull you closer.
I can't wake up and find you in my bed in the morning, talking about you got cold, and pretend it don't kill me when you leave. "
"Dillion..."
"You want to come to my place tonight because you need comfort. You need your friend. I get that. But I can't be your friend tonight, Ru. Not after what I said. Not after I finally told you the truth." I swallowed hard.
"So what are you saying?" she finally whispered. “You don’t want to be my friend because I’m not telling you that you can be my man after your beat up my boyfriend?”
"I'm saying you can't have both, Aurelia.
" My voice came out gentler now, but firm.
"You can't blur the lines between friendship and love, and then wake up tomorrow and go back to him.
You can't have me as your comfort when you're hurt and then keep me at arm's length when you're not. Not anymore. I can't do it."
"I wasn't trying to—"
"I know you weren't," I cut in. "I know you didn't mean for any of this to happen. But it did. And now we can't go back. So you gotta make a choice. But you can't make that choice tonight."
"So you're making it for me? You're deciding what I need?"
"Yeah," I said, and I didn't apologize for it.
"Because I love you too much to let you make a decision you'll regret in the morning.
Because I know you, Ru. You'll come home with me tonight.
You'll let me comfort you. And maybe more than that.
And then tomorrow when reality hits, when the guilt creeps in, when he calls you crying...
you'll run. And I can't be your mistake twice. "
"You weren't a mistake," she whispered.
"You called me one." I couldn't keep the hurt out of my voice, as I reminded her once more. "The morning after. You texted me and said I was a mistake. That we had to pretend it never happened."
"Because I was scared."
"You're still scared," I said gently. "I felt it when I tried to kiss you. You were shaking, Ru. You’re terrified and that's okay.
I'm not gonna push you into something you're not ready for just because you need somewhere to sleep tonight. Shit, maybe you don’t feel what I feel and I fucked this up. "
"So what am I supposed to do?"
"Go to Miss Lorna’s, get some rest and clear your head.
" I glanced at her, saw the tears streaming down her face, and it took everything in me not to pull over and take it all back.
"Tomorrow, when you're thinking straight, when the emotions aren't so high, you'll know what you want.
And if you want me...you know where I live. "
"And if I don't come?"
The question hit me like a physical blow. "Then I'll have my answer."
She turned away from me then, pressed her forehead against the window, shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
I wanted to reach for her, pull the car over, tell her forget everything I just said and take her home with me anyway.
But I didn't. Because as much as it was killing me to take her to her mama's house, as much as I wanted her in my space, in my bed, in my arms, I knew I was right.
We pulled up in front of Miss Lorna's house a few minutes later.
The porch light was on, casting that soft yellow glow over the small brick house I'd been coming to since we met.
Where her mama loved to show out with her cooking because she thought she had to prove her skills were as good as mine, as if I was judging her and ungrateful every time she fed me.
Miss Lorna didn't play about her kitchen, and she definitely didn't play about her daughter. We had that in common.
"I don't want to go inside," she whispered.
I turned to her, and damn near lost my resolve right there.
Her face was swollen from crying, eyes puffy and red-rimmed. Her curls were wild, tangled from where she'd been running her hands through them all night, that nervous habit she had when she was stressed.
I reached out before I could stop myself, slowly brushed a curl back from her face.
My fingers lingered there against her cheek, longer than they should have.
Her skin was soft and warm under my touch, and I let myself really feel it.
I memorized the curve of her cheekbone, the warmth radiating from her skin, the way she leaned into my palm just slightly, like her body remembered what her mind was fighting.
Just in case this was the last time I got to touch her like this.
Just in case tomorrow she woke up and chose him.
Just in case I was about to lose her for good.
"I know," I said.
She looked at me then, and those wet brown eyes searched mine like she was trying to read my mind. Searching for a crack in my armor. For some sign I'd change my mind. For one more reason to believe I'd give in and take her home with me anyway. God knows, I wanted to.
Everything in me was screaming to throw this car back in drive and take her home with me. To hold her all night. To wake up with her in my arms. But I couldn't. Not like this.
I leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.
Let my lips linger there, breathing her in.
That perfume I bought her. The coconut oil she used in her hair.
The scent that lingered on my pillows for days every time she stayed over.
My eyes squeezed shut and I felt her lean into the touch like she needed it to survive.
"Go inside, Ru." My voice cracked right down the middle, betrayed me. I hoped she didn't hear it and couldn't tell I was breaking apart.
"Please," she whispered, and the word came out like a prayer. Like a plea. Her hand found mine, gripped it tight. "Please, Dillion. I wanna go with you. Don't make me go in there. Don't leave me."
I had to close my eyes. Had to breathe deep through my nose, remind myself why I was doing this. For her. For us. For any chance we might have at doing this right.
"Go." The word came out strangled, choked. I couldn't even look at her when I said it.
Her tears started falling again and I heard her sob catch in her throat. She gripped the door handle like it was the edge of a cliff and she was trying to hold on.
"Dillion—"
"Please, baby." The endearment slipped out before I could stop it. My voice broke completely. "Please just go. Don't make this harder than it already is."
I finally looked at her again, let her see the pain written all over my face, what this was costing me.
"I'm barely holding on right now," I admitted, raw and honest. "If you ask me one more time, I'm gonna break. I'm gonna take you home with me and tomorrow we'll both regret it. So please. Please, Ru. Go inside."
Something in my voice must have reached her. Must have made her understand that I was doing this for both of us, even though it was killing me.
She nodded and wiped her face with the back of her hand.
Then she opened the door and the dome light flooded the car, too bright, too harsh. She stepped out into the February cold, wrapped her arms around herself. For a second, she just stood there, door still open, looking back at me like she was giving me one last chance to change my mind.
I wanted to, but I didn't.
"Go on," I said softly.
She closed the door then and I watched her walk up those familiar steps, watched her climb them slow like each one weighed a thousand pounds. She didn't look back once. Maybe she knew if she did, I'd crack. Maybe she knew if our eyes met again, I'd be out of this car and pulling her back in.