Chapter 13 #3
This conversation required much from him. He wanted to come at Tuck like a man but didn’t know if he could control himself, emotionally. The chair screeching against the ground resounded through the room as Tuck took a seat. Rubbing his hand over his mouth, he angled his head.
“What’s up?”
Jovanis inhaled deeply, coaching himself to remain calm. “I’ve been calling you.”
Tuck rolled his tongue across his top teeth. “They been strict around this bitch. I can’t do much right now.”
Jovanis wanted to challenge that lie but they had more pressing matters to get to.
“I saw Jakai the other night, and I noticed some shit.” Jovanis flicked his nose with his thumb. “He was wearing the same watch I had on. When I asked him where he got it from, he said you.”
Tuck’s face contorted into a scowl as he shrugged. “And?”
“And what the fuck you giving him a watch for when you said you only gave one to me?”
Tuck slouched further into the chair. His gaze was on his lap while Jovanis impatiently waited for some kind of explanation.
“Hello, nigga?”
“What the fuck you want me to say?” Tuck griped, irritation surfacing on his features. “The nigga got the same watch as you. So what?”
“Man, get the—you know what? Tuck, I ain't come all the way out here so you can lie, bruh.”
“Lie about what?” He smirked, inciting more rage from Jovanis.
“You fucking that nigga?” He got right to the point. They didn’t need to play out this script where all these words didn’t matter.
Tuck looked away, chuckling as Jovanis waited in agony.
How could he laugh at a time like this when Jovanis was virtually collapsing on the inside?
Nothing about this situation was humorous to him.
His heart was on the line. Love was at stake because if Tuck admitted to fucking someone else, a guaranteed crash out was on the horizon.
“Van, I really need you to get it through your head that you not my bitch.” Tuck looked around, leaning in closer. “We fucked around and that shit was fun. But you don't have the right to come checking me about shit that I do. Get back in your body ‘cause you doing too much right now.”
“So, you fucked that nigga?” he disregarded everything Tuck had just said. He never denied it.
“Yeah, I did. Now what?” Tuck admitted with fiery eyes. “Fuck you gon’ do about it, nigga?”
“But you said—”
“I don't give a fuck what I said. Don't nobody check me and that includes you.”
Is this what heartbreak was? Is this how all the women Jovanis had thrown to the wayside felt when he’d had enough of acting heterosexual and dumped them without warning?
Or when he played the part long enough for him to pick apart a flaw and declare he couldn’t deal with it.
Jovanis never had compassion for those women.
So, through his perspective, it was a fair exchange no robberies.
But this here.
This felt like a knife to his gut, slicing through vital organs and killing him inside.
The one person he’d fallen for had shitted all over him and didn’t offer any tissue.
Tuck embodied a man who didn’t care for his feelings.
The smug expression on his face displayed that he wasn’t concerned with the condition of Jovanis’ heart.
It was broken beyond repair. There was no way he’d be able to be put back together again after this.
“Bitch, I’m ‘bout to ruin you.” Jovanis’ smile was laced with sin.
Tuck’s lips formed into a smirk as he nodded. “Bitch, don't forget who you talking to. I still got pull in this bitch. It don't matter if I’m wearing this jumpsuit or a tailored suit. Don't ever threaten me, nigga. I still move the same way I did on the streets. So, try me.”
Jovanis bobbed his head. “Yeah, I got you.”
“You better act like you know who I am before shit get ugly,” Tuck continued on with his threats. “If I knew you were a bitch, I would’ve never fucked with you.”
“Wow, so playing with my feelings makes me a bitch?”
“Yeah, a big bitch.” Tuck’s gaze seared into him.
Jovanis was still a man when the sun set. He would never allow anyone, especially his lover, to disrespect him. Witnessing Tuck not have an ounce of care for him was eye opening. It actually burned so bad that Jovanis thought he needed to check into the hospital.
“We’ll see if you talkin’ that gangsta shit when I’m done with you.” Jovanis stood.
There was a semblance of worry that flashed through Tuck’s face, but he quickly replaced it with a simper.
“Don’t leave this earth early,” he warned.
Jovanis nodded and headed toward the door. Walking away felt heavy. It incited a memory to emerge that wouldn’t leave his mind. It was the first time he felt condemned for what he’d been running away from.
2007
Jovanis sat in the living room, watching a music video with his uncles and their homeboys.
It was a rare occasion where they were all home at the same time.
Uncle Mel and Fish were usually running the streets and Jovanis wasn’t too far behind them.
Living with them for the past five years prompted a transformation.
He was no longer that timid, fearful kid he once was.
Now, Jovanis hit licks, stole cars, and considered selling weed.
“You see that bitch right there.” Mel licked his lips. “I would eat her ass.”
Fish smacked his lips. “Ass, my nigga? Nah, you trippin’.”
“I don't give a fuck. I’ll put my tongue all through that bitch,” Mel declared.
Bone laughed. “You a nasty-ass bitch.”
While they went on and on about the woman in the video, Jovanis fantasized about the rapper.
He licked his lips, loving the curvature on his muscular arms. It had been so many years since Jovanis was first confronted with the idea of him being attracted to the same sex.
He fought it, praying that it was a phase but as time passed by, his attraction grew.
“Van!”
Checking out of his thoughts, he looked at Mel. “What?”
“Tell these niggas ol’ girl fine enough to get her ass ate.”
Jovanis looked at the girl again, determining she was beautiful. However, she did nothing for him. He didn’t even fantasize about her being naked.
“Nah, Unc, you trippin’.”
“See,” Fish agreed. “Nephew know what he talking about.”
Jovanis got up and walked outside. He was weary for some particular reason that day. Thoughts of his sexuality always put him in a dampened mood. Walking across the courtyard, he knocked on Ms. Davis’ door. After a few moments, she appeared wearing a perfect beam.
“Hey, Jovanis. What brings you by?”
“Can I talk to you?”
Opening her screen door, she said, “Come on in.”
He entered the home, smelling peppermint mixed with the aroma of cooked food. There was something soothing about Ms. Davis’ house. It was cozy, giving him the feeling that he was at his grandmother’s home.
“What you wanna talk about?” She sat on the couch. With shiny, white hair and cocoa skin, Jovanis knew she was a beauty back in her glory days. Ms. Davis was tiny, probably no more than four foot eleven with hooded eyes and a few whiskers on her chin.
“You know how you be preaching about what’s in the Bible?”
“Yes, do you need a word?”
He smiled at her eagerness to always teach the word of God.
“Well…” he stalled, trying to find words. “I don't know if I need a word but… can you tell me what God says about women liking women and men liking men?”
“Oh sure.” She reached for her Bible that had some wear and tear on the cover. Licking her finger, she swiped a few pages and cleared her throat. “Leviticus 18:22 You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination.”
“So, it’s a sin?” he asked.
“Oh, yes. It’s an abomination, which means it’s offensive to God.”
Jovanis’ gaze fell to the floor. He wasn’t a Christian who went to church every Sunday and praised the Lord. Somehow, there was this conviction in his spirit. Almost like he was doomed because he couldn’t shake this attraction to men.
“Are you struggling with that?” she asked, sweetly.
“No,” he said right away. “I ain't gay.”
“Okay but can I ask what made you ask?”
“Uh”—he licked his lips—“I was just wondering. I don't know much about the Bible, but I know you do. That’s why I came over here.”
“Well, I’m glad you did. You know, living a life full of sin will send you straight to hell. We all must repent to be welcomed into the kingdom of heaven.”
His brows hiked. “So, I can be forgiven of all my sins?”
“That’s right.” She nodded. “As long as you repent and turn away from it, then all will be forgiven.”
Jovanis nodded, feeling some relief. Maybe if he prayed away these feelings, they would cease and he could live life like a normal fifteen-year-old.