Eighteen
Normally, when Irish went to see her mother, she always had to give herself a coaching session.
She’d recite reminders on how to control her emotions.
Typically, her body was a haven for anxiety.
Heart palpitations, bubbling guts, and sweaty armpits always plagued her.
Somehow on this day, Irish was cool. There were no thoughts of dread or any physical manifestations of anxiety.
Stepping out the car, she ambled through the courtyard until she approached Daisy’s door.
Ringing the doorbell, she waited patiently, noticing someone had come and cut the grass.
“It looks better,” she mumbled to herself.
Seconds later, the door opened and Daisy appeared. Half of her rotund body hid behind the door as she reached and opened the screen.
“You finally came.” She snorted.
Irish didn’t respond as she entered the home. Looking around, she noticed nothing had changed. The home was still a pigsty of papers, dirty dishes, and clothes.
“I’ve been in so much pain, Irish. Why is it so easy for you to ignore me?” She started her whining straightaway. “I had to call Ivory just to get some money for my bills.”
Irish went into her purse and pulled out an envelope. “Here is money for your expenses.”
Daisy humbly took the envelope and thumbed through the crisp bills. “Thank you, Irish. You don't know how much I appreciate this.”
“I’m glad you do because that’s the last thing you’ll ever get from me.”
Daisy’s hazel eyes bucked as the room grew eerily quiet.
“W-what do you mean?” she stammered, shaking her head. “What are you talking about?”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about, Daisy.
You have used and abused me for over half my life.
” Irish stepped closer to her. “You have never been the mother me and Ivory needed. In the recent months, I’ve had a lot of time to think about the nature of our relationship and guess what?
I no longer want to be in contact with you. ”
Irish grilled her mother, noticing water filling her eyes. After years of neglect, being groomed, and disposed, she wanted to cut the cord. She’d avoided it for years for fear of snatching her blessing out of her life, but she couldn’t do this dance with Daisy anymore.
“What did I do that was so bad, huh?” She flailed her fluffy arms. “Why do you treat me so bad?”
Irish shook her head and pointed at her. “Uht uh, you don't get to do that anymore.”
“Do what?”
“Act like you're a victim because you're not. You're a willing participant. In fact, you will always be the villain in my story. Right along with that piece of shit husband of yours.”
“Now you take that back!”
“Fuck you, Daisy!
Her hand flew to her chest as her mouth parted in complete devastation.
“You wanna know what I noticed, Daisy? You bring up your grief to avoid talking about the real issues between us.”
Daisy’s gaze descended toward the cluttered floor. “What are you talking about?”
“Don't play stupid. You can’t stand to discuss how you failed as a mother. So, you bring up grieving Emanuel to distract from the fact that you failed me and Ivory.”
“I tried to be there for you.”
“You didn’t do shit!” Irish screamed. “It was all me. If I didn’t have Jovanis, me and Ivory would be in the worst conditions. You let that man groom me and put all the responsibility to raise Ivory on my shoulders.”
Daisy nodded, gaze still trained on the floor. “I know you feel like I neglected you but—”
“But you did!” Irish bellowed, flinging a pile of papers on the floor. “You did and there's no way you can talk yourself out of believing that you didn’t.”
Daisy rubbed the back of her neck, displaying how uncomfortable she truly was. Irish wasn’t concerned about that though. She had been uncomfortable for years, carrying the weight of all her trauma on her own.
“I never told Emanuel to do that to you, Irish,” she whispered.
“But you didn’t stop him either. You sold me out. And for what? Money. That’s all it took for you to give me up was a few dollars.”
Daisy finally locked eyes with her. “He was a good man, Irish.”
She sighed and rubbed her tired eyes. This amount of stress couldn’t have been good for her or her baby.
“And you're still taking up for him. Why does he get so much consideration and not me?”
Daisy’s silence blared so loudly. She had been so androcentric.
Having a man was a dream to her. Emanuel had been worshipped like he was a religion.
She’d created an altar in her heart, praising him in life and in death.
Sadly, Irish didn’t get any consolation.
She was thrown to the side like junk mail.
“I wasn’t prepared… I just didn’t know what I was doing when I became a mother,” she admitted. “When he said he wanted to make money with you, I thought he would keep you safe.”
“How did you think that when I told you he touched me inappropriately? Do you think a grown man touching my ass is safe? Daisy, are you this fucking dumb?”
“Okay, I’m sorry!” she screamed, balling her fists like a child. “Is that what you want? You want me to say how I failed. Well, here it is. I’m a bad mother, Irish! There, you have it.”
Irish shook her head. She didn’t know what would come out of this conversation. She imagined it would be emotional, but she never expected Daisy to take accountability for her actions.
“You know even after you abandoned me, I thought that there was an inkling of a chance that we could reconcile. The little girl inside of me still wanted that maternal love that you cut me off from.” Irish folded her arms over her chest, glancing down at a newspaper that was dated back to last year.
“But as I stand here today, I can honestly say that I want nothing from you, Mama. You have given me all that you have and although it wasn’t much, you're sadly empty yourself.
I don't expect you to take accountability for your actions. I don't even expect you to hold your late husband responsible. I think I’m finally at the point of feeling indifferent about you.”
“Oh, Irish, how can I make this right?” Daisy begged, clasping her puffy hands together.
“I don't wanna make things right. I just want you out of my life. I’m no longer willing to carry you. I have to look out for me now. You have to stand on your own. I can’t help you anymore.”
“Irish no, okay! I’ll say it. I failed you and Ivory.
I couldn’t face you after Emanuel died because I felt so low.
That’s why I’ve hidden in this house for the last twenty years.
All I do is eat my pain away. I don't know how to get out of this. I’m sorry.
It wasn’t just about Emanuel’s death even though that broke me.
Just knowing that I didn’t protect you brought me so much shame.
I couldn’t face you.” She wept. “How could I when I let you down? I knew the moment I talked you into going with Emanuel to the casino that I’d lost you.
I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know what to say.
So, yes, I avoided the hard part because I was too coward to accept that I’m a bad mother. ”
Something within Irish exhaled. Not her lungs but her heart. She’d came here with the intent to end her relationship with Daisy, but what she got was acknowledgement. Daisy had finally professed how she’d dropped the ball. Irish didn’t think she needed it, but her soul felt otherwise.
“Can we please try to rebuild our relationship? Just me, you, and Ivory. Let’s start anew. What do you say?”
Irish smiled and reached over to cup Daisy’s cheek.
Her mother used to be so beautiful and filled with life.
However, over the years, she had incarcerated herself.
This apartment had become her prison. Spiritual warfare had been amongst Daisy for years and instead of fighting the devil, she welcomed him inside.
“Although our journey has come to an end, I do pray that you find your willpower and get yourself together.”
“Wait, no!” Daisy wailed. “Irish, please don't go! We can get through this! Just please give me a chance to make things right!”
Irish slowly shook her head. “Mama, I gave you almost twenty years. I have nothing else to give you. Take care of yourself.”
“Irish, no!”
She turned around and walked out the door. Daisy’s wails were gut-wrenching, but Irish couldn’t be held captive by her pain anymore. She was free from Daisy’s hold. No more doing for her against her will. Irish was relieved by her decision and cursed herself for not cutting the cord sooner.
Jovanis stared at the house before him, shaking his head.
It was one of those rare occasions where he’d get to be reacquainted with his family.
Getting out the car, he felt the effects of the weed and pill he had consumed.
He was high out of his mind because he didn’t want to feel anything right now.
Pain lingered, awaiting his invitation but Jovanis had been too doped up to extend it.
Hiking the stairs, he noticed the front door was open. Walking inside, he spotted his Uncles Mel and Fish, his Aunt Kita, and his cousins sitting in the living room.
“Hey, Van, what a nice surprise,” Kita greeted him with a hug.
“What’s up, Auntie?”
“Just waiting for the birthday boy so we can sing happy birthday.” She stared at him with concern. “How you been, sweetie?”
“Straight,” he mumbled, walking over to his uncles. They each shared a brotherly hug.
“Man, where yo’ ass been?” Fish asked. “I’ve been hitting you up for weeks now.”
Jovanis couldn’t reveal he’d been causing havoc or that Irish had been hiding from him to avoid the obvious.
After he dropped the pics on Tuck, he had been getting threatening calls.
Jovanis didn’t entertain them since he’d gotten what he wanted.
Revenge on the man who had broken his heart was a nice trade-off.
Jovanis was wounded and Tuck was embarrassed. He’d say that was a fair exchange.
“I’ve been working.”