Eighteen #2
“You don't look good,” Mel noted. “You a’ight?”
“Yeah, don't worry about me!” Jovanis snapped, walking over to the table where there were trays of food.
He found it ironic how his uncles had so much concern for him during his adult years when they didn’t possess that same care when he was a child.
He grabbed a mozzarella stick just as his mother came from the back.
Holding her hand was his ten-year-old little brother, Josiah.
She’d gotten remarried and gave her husband a child since he had none.
Back then, that time in Jovanis’ life was weird.
He’d grown up the only child and didn’t have any siblings.
It actually felt like he still didn’t have any since he never came around.
“Jovanis, you came!” Margie gushed, eyes wide in surprise. “I didn’t expect to see you.”
He didn’t speak as she advance toward him. Wrapping her arms around his neck, he reluctantly hugged her.
“I’m so happy to see you, baby,” she whispered before drawing back. “Can you believe Josiah is ten years old?”
He held his hand out for his brother who slapped his palm. “Happy birthday, lil’ bro.”
“Thanks.”
Margie smiled at their interaction. Her husband, Alain, entered the room carrying a Hulk cake.
“Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you…” they all sang in unison.
Josiah’s eyes glowed as Alain sat the cake on the table. Jovanis envied the purity of him. His innocence was still there. The world hadn’t tampered with him. He hadn’t been thrown to the wolves to rush his manhood. Josiah had a chance at a normal life and Jovanis was at least okay with that.
“Okay, now make a wish,” Margie told him.
The little boy closed his eyes and blew the candles out. Everyone cheered, provoking Josiah’s gap-toothed smile to surface.
“What’s up, Jovanis?” Alain greeted, giving him a shake. “Glad you made it.”
He nodded, not having much to say. Jovanis had never bonded with his stepfather. Margie married when he was an adult, so he never cared to establish a relationship with him.
“You should come around more often. We’d love to have you.”
Jovanis snorted a chuckle. “Nah, y’all good.”
Alain cocked his head. “You family, Jovanis. It would be nice to have you around more so that you and Josiah could bond more. I’m sure your mother would love it.”
Jovanis shrugged. “I’ll think about it.”
Margie passed out cake to everyone while Josiah opened his gifts.
The more Jovanis watched, the more his envious nature surfaced.
Why couldn’t he get this as a child? Why was he summoned to move into the projects with his uncles and become a delinquent?
His life never made sense. Jovanis never had clear answers as to why things transpired or why he’d thought differently than other little boys.
“Oooh, I got new gymnastic shorts,” Josiah cheered.
“Gymnastics?” Jovanis questioned, drawing attention to him.
“That’s what I said,” Mel added, chuckling. “Why couldn’t he play basketball or football? What the hell is he doing in some gymnastics?”
Margie smacked her lips, folding her arms over her chest. “Excuse me, there are tons of little boys who train in gymnastics.”
“You making him soft.” Fish shook his head.
“I think y’all are reading too much into this,” Alain defended his wife. “The way Josiah used to flip and flop around here, we had to put him in something.”
“Tell me about it. That’s why he couldn’t come to my house no more,” Aunt Kita griped.
“I’m surprised Margie didn’t send him away,” Jovanis said. “You know you couldn’t show no signs of being soft around her. Or maybe that was just me. Her homophobia was worse back then.”
Margie gawked at him, laying her hand over her chest. “Van, really?”
“What the fuck you mean ‘really’?” he snarled. “You know what? You really are something else. You know that, Ma.”
She peered around the room, sporting an expression of embarrassment as everyone looked at her.
“Let’s go outside.”
Jovanis didn’t decline her offer. Instead, he followed her out to the backyard where there was a bounce house.
“What is your problem? Why would you say that in front of everybody?”
His eyes widened at her audacity. “Are you not the same mother who sent me away when I was ten years old?”
“I did that so that your uncles could help you be a man.”
“Bullshit. You did that because you thought I was gay.”
Margie’s head reared, eyes watered without warning as her chest heaved. That declaration knocked the wind out of her.
“I wouldn’t say that, Van.”
“Be real, Ma!” He almost groaned. “You know what you did. You thought I was soft. You suspected that I was gay. So, you sent me to Fish and Mel’s under the guise to toughen me up, but you didn’t want me to be gay. Why is that?”
“Why is what?” She looked around, not wanting to look him in the eye.
“Why would it have been so bad if I was gay?”
Margie’s eyes were red, showcasing pain. Jovanis wasn’t moved by it since she had abandoned him emotionally the day she dropped him off at his uncles’ house.
“I’ve always loved you, son. You're my first born,” she cried, ignoring his question.
“Yeah, but you didn’t want me with you though.”
“You act as if I sent you away and never came to get you. I came every weekend.”
“That wasn’t e-fucking-nough! I needed you and you wanted nothing to do with me because you thought I was sweet.”
They had been tiptoeing around this conversation for years. Jovanis withheld the impulse to explore her point of view because he knew it would hurt him. Unfortunately, Jovanis was numb. There was no more pain to penetrate him because Tuck and Irish made sure he felt none.
“I’m sorry.” Margie wiped her face with her fingertips.
“I didn’t think you were gay. I was afraid of you being gay, so I foolishly thought if I sent you with your uncles, they could nip it.
Back then, I didn’t know. It was considered taboo and I didn’t have the maturity or the knowledge to know what I was doing wasn’t right. ”
Jovanis mulled over her answer, wishing the wedge between them could have been lifted years ago.
His heart had hardened over time. Margie didn’t hold a special place in his life anymore.
When she used to come get him on the weekends, Jovanis barely conversed with her.
They’d go out to eat or to the arcade and he’d be standoffish until she returned him back to his uncles.
Margie started feeling like a big sister rather than his mother.
He didn’t view her in the same light as he once did and that pained him.
“I thought what I was doing was good for you,” she continued, “you know, being around men that were—”
“Fucking criminals. What you think they taught me, Ma? You think we went to the park, and they showed me how to ride a bike? Do you think they taught me how to fix cars or something around the house? Those niggas showed me the worst shit. I learned how to shoot a gun, rob niggas, and even bag up weed. While you were over here scouting for a new family, I was turning into a criminal. But I guess that’s better than being gay, right? ”
“I never forgot about you, Jovanis!” she yelled. “I asked you to come back to live with me when you were sixteen and you refused.”
“Because it was too late. The damage had already been done, Ma. You showed me who you were and guess what? I didn’t wanna be around you anymore.”
Around that time, Jovanis couldn’t bear to leave Irish behind. She needed him and he had been honored to make sure she was okay. That was another reason why he refused to move back in with Margie.
“What can I do to fix it? I’ve been chasing you for years, Jovanis. You haven’t given me anything to hold on to. How can I make this right?”
He shrugged, not having a remedy to fix the broken relationship between him and his mother.
She rested her hands on his shoulders. “Jovanis, look at me.”
Reluctantly, his gaze drifted to her face.
“I’m sorry for making you feel unwanted.
I’m sorry for making you think that I got rid of you because I thought you were gay.
I apologize for ever hurting you, Son. You are my first love.
I’ve always adored you and always will. I see the way you look at me.
It pains me that you purposely don't come around.”
Jovanis swiped the tear that had quickly escaped his eye.
He despised being in this condition. He was broken beyond repair.
Nothing could be refurbished within him.
However, he needed this from Margie. He’d yearned for her to acknowledge what they always avoided so that he could move on with his life.
“Can we fix this?” she muttered. “Just me and you. I miss my son so much. We used to have so much fun together. I know that I’m the reason everything stopped but I would love to start over. I miss you.”
The stubborn facet of Jovanis wanted to decline. He’d been without the maternal comfort for so long, it would feel foreign to him. Then that little boy that never got a chance to just be, wanted his mother. He needed the hug and assurance that only a mother could give.
“Yeah, we can do that.”
“Yeah?” she asked, seeming to be surprised by his answer.
“Yeah, Ma.”
Margie threw her arms around his neck and embraced him. Jovanis held her tightly, drowning in the touch he had missed so much.
“I love you, Son,” she whispered in his ear. “Never forget how much I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Stepping back, she smiled at him. “Let’s go in there and see what Josiah got. Then we can share a piece of cake, and you tell me what you need from me moving forward.”
He nodded just as his phone chimed. Taking it out of his pocket, he noticed a text.
Irish: I’m ready to talk. Meet me at our favorite spot on Thursday at seven.