Chapter 12
‘Do you think she’s all right?’
Zoe held the back of her hand against Louisa’s skin before carefully scanning her torso for any worrying signs. After a few seconds, she took off her romper.
‘Let her cool down if she needs it. I can’t see any rashes, and her temperature is a little up but not so much it’s an immediate red flag to me. We’ll keep a close eye on her. Give her a little water when she’ll take it. She’s a bit mardy, but she doesn’t seem distressed.’
‘Yeah, she’s been like that all day. Not screaming the place down but sort of complaining. Like crying when I put her down and stuff. I felt like she was hotter than normal.’ Billie shrugged. ‘But you’re always hot, so maybe it’s the house and I haven’t noticed. Should I ask Dad about it?’
Zoe went to rinse her hands at the kitchen sink. ‘You could, but I don’t believe that’s what’s troubling Louisa. She’s probably picked up a sniffle from somewhere.’
‘Where?’
‘Could be anywhere – babies don’t have much of an immune system at first. If she’s grumbling but not in obvious distress, then I’m inclined to say she’s keeping it at bay, whatever it is.’
‘Griz will have to stay in then,’ Billie decided with an emphatic nod in the direction of their dog, who was watching them from his basket as if he was able to follow the conversation. ‘I was going to take him out for a walk – Dad’s busy. But I’m not taking Louisa out if she’s got a cold.’
‘I can take Griz.’
Billie looked doubtful. ‘He’ll pull you flat on your face.’
‘He won’t – he’s used to me by now, so I’ll be able to keep him under control.’
‘But if he sees something, he’s off—’
‘Honestly, we’ll be fine. And even if he did run off, he always comes back, doesn’t he?’
Billie chewed on her lip, glancing between Louisa, Grizzle and Zoe a couple of times before seeming to come to a decision. ‘I suppose so. Are you sure you’ll be OK? I could phone Dad.’
‘Like you said, he’s got a lot on, and how hopeless would we look if we couldn’t manage to walk the dog between us? You keep an eye on Louisa. I’ll only be an hour or so. If anything develops and you’re worried, call me and I’ll come straight back.’
‘I suppose so. I did want to help him as much as I could… it’s not like I’m doing much else at the moment.’
Zoe stared at her. ‘Is that how you see it? You’re raising a child!’
‘But he’s so busy, and I’m in the house all the time with Louisa.’
‘Nobody thinks looking after Louisa is not doing much. Your dad is busy, yes, but he wouldn’t dream of asking you to do more than you already are. And if he did, I’d slap him.’
Billie gave a reluctant smile. ‘I bet you would.’
‘I won’t be a minute…’
Zoe rushed upstairs to change. Five minutes later, she was back in the kitchen, where she found Billie walking the room with a red-cheeked Louisa.
‘How are we doing here?’ she asked. ‘Any change?’
Billie shook her head. ‘She’s the same. Is that good?’
‘As long as she’s not worse, that’s good.
’ Zoe strode across the room and reached for Grizzle’s lead from the peg where it was kept.
As soon as she did, he leaped out of his basket and began racing in circles around her.
‘Yes, yes…’ She laughed as she tried to get him to sit long enough to clip his lead onto his collar.
‘The longer you mess around, the longer it will take us to get out…’
‘He’s so dumb,’ Billie said with a withering look at her dog, who, despite her words, was almost her favourite creature in the world.
‘He does get all unreasonable when you show him his lead,’ Zoe agreed. ‘Did your dad say what time he’d be back?’
‘I don’t suppose he knew how long it would take. Depends if the nearest DIY store has what he needs.’
‘Right. Only I was thinking of starting to cook something when I got back, but perhaps we’ll have a snack and wait to hear from him.’
‘He might be back before you are – he’s been gone a while.’
Zoe gave a brief nod before heading to the door, Grizzle straining to get out.
In truth, Zoe wasn’t entirely sure she could manage Grizzle by herself.
He was big, and she was tiny, and it was fine as long as he remained calm, but she did worry that the first sign of a squirrel would have him tearing across the hills, never to be seen again.
However, she’d never been one to admit defeat, and, just like Billie, she wanted to be useful.
She’d seen how hard Alex was working, how snowed under he was, and she also wanted to help.
And she did think it was quite pathetic of her to wait around for Alex to do this simple chore, despite her misgivings.
If she was sensible, there was no reason why she couldn’t.
She’d told Billie that even if Grizzle ran off, he’d come back eventually.
She hoped that was true – now she was out with him, she wasn’t so sure.
The sun was low in the sky, a halo of golden light in the gaps the peaks left as they crowded the horizon, and the winter russets of their tumbling sides were now turning to summery shades.
They were scarred by ancient glaciers and ribbon-like waterfalls, and littered with rockfalls and scrubby trees that added drama to their otherwise velvety green coats.
A cloud of rooks or crows – some kind of black, cawing bird – raced overhead.
Grizzle turned his face to watch them with avid curiosity.
Zoe was sure if he had wings, he’d have taken off to chase them.
She wouldn’t fancy his chances if he caught them, though.
He gave the impression of a hunter or a gundog, but he was the softest, daftest dog Zoe had ever met.
Once the birds had passed, she drew in a breath as she turned her face to the fields where she often walked Grizzle alongside Alex and, less often, Billie.
‘You’re going to be a good boy,’ she said sternly as the dog pulled at his lead. ‘Or we’ll be having words…’
Grizzle showed no sign he’d heard her voice at all, let alone understood any of what she was saying.
Instead of calming down, he strained harder, panting and snorting in his desperation to get going.
Zoe wondered if she would, as Billie had suggested, end up on her face while Grizzle escaped to a new life running feral in the hills around Windermere.
She steeled herself and held on tight, hoping he’d calm down enough to walk at her side after a bout of initial enthusiasm.
After a few minutes of wrestling, he seemed to do just that.
While he wasn’t exactly walking at her side, the lead became slack for the first time since Zoe had stepped out of Hilltop, and she allowed herself to relax.
In a way, worrying about him had been good – it had stopped her dwelling on anything else.
But now that he was calm, those other concerns came back to fill her mind.
How was she supposed to break the news of her condition to Alex after the conversation they’d had the previous evening?
Now more than ever, she was certain the news would upset him even more than it was upsetting her.
But the longer she left it, the worse it would be when she eventually did come clean.
She’d realised right at the start that keeping it to herself wasn’t an option, but knowing it didn’t make it any easier to do otherwise.
She kept on picturing the disappointment she was sure she’d see in his face, and she didn’t know how she was going to cope with it.
To know the hopes he was harbouring for a child of their own would be dashed, and there was nothing either of them could do about it, was a disappointment she felt more for him than for herself.
She’d talk to Ottilie, she decided as she yanked Grizzle away from a suspicious-looking pile at the foot of a tree.
Ottilie had a way of laying things out so that they were easy to work out.
She’d identify Zoe’s options and put them so simply that Zoe would wonder why she’d ever been confused.
And it would be good to finally confide in someone other than Simon, who’d been great, but as well as being a GP and far too logical about this sort of thing, he was also a man and would never understand what she was going through in the way another woman would.
Grizzle seemed a lot happier now, and while he bounded from interesting smell to even more interesting smell, he wasn’t causing Zoe any undue difficulties.
And so she took the opportunity to transfer the lead into one hand and with her other reached into her coat pocket for her phone, intent on texting Ottilie to fix up a time to go and chat to her while she had the courage to do it.
Hey, I could do with talking to someone. Are you free any time soon?
Zoe watched the message fly off and then waited for a reply.
But none came. It had perhaps been silly to expect anything immediate because Ottilie would more than likely have her hands full with Anthony.
In her new impatience to offload, she considered texting Georgia instead but quickly decided that, while she loved Georgia as an amazing friend, it was Ottilie’s quiet reassurance that she needed right now.
Georgia was lively and reactive and might well make things worse instead of better.
In which case, all Zoe could do was wait for Ottilie to see her message.
Reluctantly, she reached round to put her phone back into her pocket.
It was while she’d lost momentary concentration that Grizzle decided he had better things to do than be tethered to a woman who was moving far too slowly for his liking.
Spotting something ahead, he gave an almighty yank on his lead, and before Zoe could do anything, it had escaped her grip.
She watched helplessly for a second as he tore away.
‘Griz!’ she yelled. ‘Grizzle!’