Chapter 18 #3
There was a brief, charged silence, as if Billie wanted to say something and she wasn’t sure how it would be received.
There were things Zoe wanted to say too, but she at least had enough rationale to recognise they were reactive and unhelpful things, based on mild suspicions and unfounded jealousy, and that both of those things were coming from a place of insecurity.
Once she got some closure on her current worries, and once things had settled with the business, those feelings would disappear…
wouldn’t they? Zoe had never been the jealous type, and she’d always had enough self-respect to walk away from a relationship that made her feel second best, so it was hard to understand what was going on here.
‘I expect they’re trying to get to the bottom of this case,’ Zoe said after a pause.
‘There is no case,’ Billie said. ‘Not yet, is there? She’s spending a lot of time on something she hasn’t even been hired for yet.’
‘Your dad isn’t paying her for her time so far?’
‘I doubt it – he can’t afford to. I bet she costs loads.’
‘Yes, but surely she’s not doing it for nothing?’
‘I don’t know. I asked him how much it was because I was going to do some research to save him the money – I mean, how hard can it be to find out what he needs to know about it? Anyway, he said I didn’t need to worry because he hadn’t paid her anything.’
‘It seems unlikely she’d do all this for free – are you sure?’
Billie put the butter back in the fridge and let the door slam shut. ‘That’s what he said.’
Zoe paused again, and this time when she spoke, she instantly regretted it. ‘Your dad used to go out with her?’
‘Probably. He hasn’t said as much to me, but I get the idea they were a thing once. God knows how that worked. She’s not his type at all.’
‘Do you know much about her?’ Zoe asked.
She wasn’t about to make herself sound batty by admitting she’d googled Virginia’s law firm.
What she’d read had filled her with even greater dread.
The woman was a shining success story – gorgeous, qualified to the hilt, talented, sharp-minded…
and even played a major role in raising money for a local charity that helped domestic violence victims. She couldn’t have been a more perfect specimen of womanhood.
And Zoe couldn’t have felt more inadequate in the face of such wonder.
‘As much as I want to. I’m sure she’s fine, but…’ Billie shrugged as she bit into her sandwich. ‘I don’t know,’ she continued through a mouthful of bread. ‘There’s something about her. She’s too… perfect.’
‘That’s not a bad thing.’
‘Come on…’ Billie eyed her with a wry smile. ‘You think so too.’
‘I agree she’s annoyingly perfect and makes the rest of womankind look bad, but I don’t see that as the worst thing someone could be. Anyway, I’m sure it’s not how it looks. Even the most perfect of us have our flaws and hang-ups.’
‘I guess… Anyway, are you staying? I didn’t expect you’d be home at this time.’
Zoe was beginning to wish she hadn’t come home.
She was beginning to wish she hadn’t just witnessed Alex being so agreeable and so obviously making an effort for Virginia, when he’d been happy to be his grotty self for her earlier.
It led her to the conclusion that he was either far too desperate to impress his sexy ex, or he’d been exaggerating how ill he was to Zoe, and neither of those scenarios were exactly endearing him to her at that moment, especially given the fragile state she was in.
‘I only called in because I was at Daffodil anyway, and I thought I’d pop across to see how everyone is doing here. I was worried, especially when your dad had a fever this morning. But I can see you’re all doing fine, so…’
‘Thank God you haven’t caught it,’ Billie said.
‘There’s time,’ Zoe replied as she picked up her coat. ‘I wouldn’t count any chickens yet.’
‘Where have you been?’
Zoe hurried through to her office. ‘I’m sorry, I had to make an emergency visit and…
’ She decided the rest was best kept to herself.
She’d lost track of time, and even without the dizzy spell at Daffodil Farm, she would have been late back because she’d been distracted by what was going on at Hilltop, and now she was annoyed at herself for it.
But being annoyed wasn’t helping anyone, and on top of her niggling worries about her own health and what it all meant for her future, there was a danger she wouldn’t focus on her work in the way she ought to, and not focusing meant mistakes.
‘Do you need me to cancel someone from your afternoon—’
‘I’m here. It’s fine, Lavender. No need to do anything of the kind.’
‘All right, keep your knickers on. I only asked…’
Zoe rushed down the corridor, feeling anything but calm and focused, despite her best intentions.
And she was worried too. Her latest episode had rattled her.
It was one thing having a funny turn at home but quite another to have it while she was working, and to have caused so much damage in the process.
She was suddenly vulnerable in a way she’d never been before.
What if it happened again in even worse circumstances?
What if she had been driving, or attending a birth, or even the only midwife at a home birth?
What if she’d been walking Grizzle, holding Louisa…
what if she’d been holding any of the babies in her care?
If she’d been tempted to shirk the question before, she realised as she logged in to her computer that today at Daffodil Farm had changed everything. Ignoring it put more than just her at risk.
As soon as she’d switched everything on, she phoned through to reception.
‘You’re lucky,’ Lavender said as she picked up. ‘Your two thirty isn’t here yet.’
‘Is Simon free?’
‘He’s just seen someone out… why?’
‘Give me a minute, would you? I need to quickly ask him about something before you send the next one in.’
Trusting that Lavender would do as she’d asked without waiting to hear it from her lips, Zoe put down the phone and hurried to Simon’s room. She knocked on the door.
‘Yes… Oh, Zoe. Everything all right?’
‘Not really…’ She was breathless as she took a seat across from him.
‘I nearly passed out again today. I was at an emergency house call… luckily – at least you could call it a sort of luck – I was at Daffodil Farm, and the worst that happened was I smashed some of Corrine’s antique crockery and scared her and Fern half to death.
I can’t go on like this – what can I take?
There must be something to get me on an even keel, so I can do my job if nothing else. ’
Simon was thoughtful for a moment. ‘You know I can’t really prescribe anything until we know what we’re dealing with for certain. You’ve had nothing through from the gynae team yet?’
‘No, and I don’t suppose I will for weeks. You’d see the appointment coming through anyway, wouldn’t you?’
‘Yes, but I get a lot, and I don’t always notice for a week or so. Unless it’s an emergency, of course.’
‘I get that… Sorry, I didn’t mean to be sharp. I don’t mind admitting I’m getting a bit panicked about all this. I’m desperate to get it sorted so I can be confident of going about my day without taking out someone else’s porcelain heirlooms. Or worse…’
‘I can imagine. The Harley Street offer still stands. I’m sure we could negotiate a reasonable rate and get you bumped to the front of the queue. If you’re struggling, it might be the answer.’
‘Even if it is a reasonable rate, it’s likely to be more than I can spare. Can’t I just have some HRT? I mean, my bloods are showing a hormone imbalance, and surely that will stabilise things.’
‘You know it doesn’t work that fast.’
‘But it will work eventually.’
‘What if you decide to try to get pregnant?’
Zoe blinked. ‘I can’t get pregnant, so what’s the point of asking me that?’
‘We don’t know that for sure. You could be heading into early menopause, or you could have premature ovarian insufficiency, and until we do more investigations, we don’t know which one it is. They’re not the same, and the outcomes aren’t the same.’
‘Eventually they are.’
‘But there are things we might do before that point which will be different in either case. I’m not sure rushing to HRT is the answer. Not yet.’
‘It won’t stop me from getting pregnant. It’s the lack of eggs that will stop me from getting pregnant.’
Simon folded his arms and studied her for a moment. ‘At the end of the day, I can only offer my advice. I’d say hold fire if you can. We don’t know if hormones are the culprit. There might be something else going on that we need to uncover. How bad was this episode?’
‘Bad enough that I ended up falling into Corrine’s display cabinet…
’ Zoe rubbed at the bruise on her thigh.
‘Bad enough to have me worried that it might happen when I’m not in such a safe place.
And there’s the hot flushes too. They’re unbearable.
And the mood swings… all your classic stuff.
It has to be my hormones; I’m sure it can’t be anything else. ’
‘I take it you’ve discussed this with Alex?’
‘No, and I don’t see why I have to ask his permission to go on HRT.’
‘You don’t, but I’m sure he’s going to notice a big patch on your bottom and ask about it.’
‘It’s still up to me.’
Simon let out a breath and turned to his computer. Zoe was used to him being mild-mannered and patient, but she detected some exasperation as he began to type.
‘Try this,’ he said. ‘We’ll do it as a trial and reconvene when you’ve used them all up to see how useful it’s been. And in the meantime, you need to see a specialist. If you do have POI, then you’ll want to make plans for the future.’
‘Thanks,’ Zoe said as she got up. ‘I’m sorry for being so demanding. It’s…’
‘I understand,’ he replied with a faint smile. ‘And do you really think that’s the worst I’ve ever had to deal with in all my years as a GP? I promise you, it’s far from it.’