Chapter 19
Zoe opened up the bag and took the box out.
It was no bigger than a compact mirror, but what it represented felt huge as she stared down at it.
Hormone replacement therapy… it had been all over the news, and everyone had an opinion on whether it was good or bad.
Zoe had even offered opinions of her own from time to time, but not with any real urgency, and not in a way that assumed she’d be directly affected.
Was this her life now? Of course, she’d seen this day somewhere in her future, but she could never have envisaged it creeping up on her like this, so fast and so early in her life.
She’d read plenty about premature menopause, and she’d sympathised, but she’d never imagined in her wildest imaginings that she might go through it herself.
But the box in her hand, containing the medication she’d begged Simon for, made it all real.
Simon had been right about one thing: if she started using this, then she’d have to tell Alex everything.
Even as this thought ran through her head, his footsteps on the stairs made her put the box back into the bag and shove it hastily into the dresser drawer.
‘You look better this morning,’ she said airily as he came in with a cup of tea for her.
‘I feel better. Thanks for your help this week – you’ve been an angel with me and Billie and Louisa. I’m glad to see you’ve managed to avoid catching it.’
‘I suppose I’m just lucky. Hopefully it’s out of the house and I won’t get it now. I’m still a little worried. I’m not bothered about me; I don’t want to give it to any of my mums, that’s all.’
‘At least it’s the weekend so you don’t have to mix with any of them until Monday.’
‘Unless I get called out,’ she reminded him as she sipped at her tea. ‘But as nobody is due any time soon, I’ll keep my fingers crossed that doesn’t happen. What time are your new arrivals due to check in?’
‘They said they’d be here around four, so there’s plenty of time to get the pods ready. I’m going to head down to the shop as soon as I’ve finished breakfast to pick up some welcome packs from Magnus and then go over to the field with them. You could come with me, if you like.’
‘It’s tempting, but I’ve got things to do here. I could do with catching up on some paperwork.’
Alex frowned as he sat on the end of the bed. ‘You’re not going to spend your weekend doing paperwork, surely? Isn’t it bad enough you have to be on call without bringing a load extra home?’
‘There’s only me to do it, and I got behind this week.’
‘Because of us?’
‘No… I mean, it didn’t help that we had a lot going on here, but it wasn’t only that.’
‘Well…’ He got up and went to the door. ‘I hope it won’t be a regular thing. With the campsite up and running, I’m already feeling as if we don’t have enough time together.’
‘If I have to work, then I have to work. What I do is more than a job. I can’t decide I won’t bother with something if it’s inconvenient. If it has to be done, then it has to be done.’
‘That’s not what I meant… Never mind.’
He shook his head as he left her, and she wondered why she couldn’t keep her stupid mouth shut.
There had been no need to say what she’d said, and she knew what he’d meant.
But she couldn’t help it; it was like someone else was saying things through her, someone she couldn’t shut up.
And the fact remained, no matter how she tried to banish the jealousy, she was annoyed at the way he’d made such an effort to be witty and entertaining with Virginia on their Skype call when he’d been at death’s door for her.
Even when he’d explained that she’d called with an important update on his legal advice, even though she understood that it was necessary for him to keep Virginia onside because she was doing him a huge favour, she was still irritated by it, filled with irrational resentment.
She’d tried to shake it off, but she’d struggled, and it had simmered, present in every interaction, seeping through and spoiling things with spiteful subtext.
Even Billie had noticed. She’d asked if everything was OK, and Zoe had been forced to lie.
She opened up the drawer, took a moment to consider the box within and then closed it again before going downstairs to find Alex.
‘I’m sorry.’ Zoe took a seat at the table. ‘I know you were only thinking of me.’
‘I don’t know what you mean.’
‘The rant, upstairs, about my job.’
‘I didn’t even see it as a rant.’
Zoe didn’t believe that was true. Perhaps he didn’t want to make anything of it so they could both move on, and perhaps that was the best way to deal with it after all.
And so she let it slide. ‘I will go over to the pods with you… if you still fancy the company. A breath of fresh air will do me good, and it’s a nice morning. ’
‘No problem. Are you nearly ready to go?’
‘I’ll have to throw some clothes on, but I can wait until we get back to have breakfast. I might even treat myself to a pastry from the shop – they’ve started to get deliveries from that local bakery, and everyone at the surgery has been raving about how good their stuff is.’
There was blossom frothing from distant trees that seemed to have bloomed all at once as Zoe stepped out of Hilltop Farm. The sun was newly risen, a cloud of midges dancing in its light like fairy dust, and the sky seemed to be filled with birds of all sizes.
Alex pointed to the barn. ‘I think we have swallows or house martins or something in the eaves. At least, I noticed something flying around last night from the bedroom window.’
She smiled at his enthusiasm, resolving with new determination not to let her hormones ruin her life. ‘That’s cute. I haven’t seen them; maybe I’ll go and look later.’
‘It’s the little things like this that will make Louisa’s childhood so amazing here,’ he said. ‘And our lives here amazing too. I bought this place on a whim, but the more I think about it, the more I understand that, somehow, I was meant to be here.’
‘I feel the same.’
He reached for her hand. It felt like home once again, and she was comfortable and relaxed for the first time in weeks.
Even as she enjoyed the peace, she remembered that she still had to work out how she was going to break the news of her diagnosis to Alex because no matter how she tried to push the moment further on, she recognised that she couldn’t leave it much longer.
Perhaps this was it – a quiet walk in the fresh air, the two of them with no distractions, and she’d just decided to open her mouth when his phone rang.
‘V…’ He broke into a smile as he answered it.
‘You have remembered you’ve got paying clients, haven’t you?
To what do I owe this pleasure?’ He listened for a moment and then shook his head.
‘No, nothing yet. No news is good news, right? With a bit of luck, they’ve moved on and decided it’s too much hassle to come after me.
I mean, they must have been able to see I’m hardly rolling in money here.
I’m expecting some new guests today – only a family of four, but this time I’m going to be thorough; everything will be shipshape or I’ll die in the attempt…
I will. I’ll let you know if anything happens, but it’s looking good so far. ’
He ended the call.
‘Virginia?’ Zoe asked as neutrally as she could manage.
‘She was wondering if I’d had any correspondence from the party who were all for suing us. It’s good of her to keep in touch; good to know she’s on hand if we need her.’
‘Very good,’ Zoe said.
Positively saintly. Just the sort of thing one might do if they had a personal interest in…
‘Seems you’re not the only one who lives and breathes work. It’s Saturday morning and you’d think she’d have more interesting things to do than follow up with a client who can’t even afford to pay her.’
‘You would. Perhaps she only needed to know if she had to leave some space in her diary next week or something.’
‘I expect so. It’s been nice to see her… crazy, actually, when I think about it. Imagine telling my nineteen-year-old self that I’d see her again this many years later in such weird circumstances – I’d have never believed it.’
‘You never said – how did that happen?’
‘I keep up on social media. We have mutual online friends… it wasn’t hard to track her down.
I didn’t intend to, if that’s what you mean, but when this all first kicked off, I was trying to find someone who might help, and an old friend reminded me that V had taken a law degree and had her own firm.
I fired a message over, and the next thing she was in our kitchen.
It’s amazing to me she even agreed to help. ’
‘Why? Did you dump her?’
‘God, no! It was sort of mutual, I suppose. We began to realise we wanted different things out of life… and we were so young I doubt it would have lasted even if we’d wanted the same things. She met her husband and I met Jennifer pretty soon after, and that was that until now.’
‘She’s married then?’
‘Divorced. Recently, as it happens. I didn’t ask about the details – I get the feeling it’s painful for her to talk about.’
‘Do you? Did she say that?’
‘Not in so many words, but that’s the impression I get. More fool him, I say.’
‘You’re assuming he did the leaving.’
‘Well, yes. Like I said, it was the impression I got, but I didn’t ask.’
‘Hmm…’
‘You’re OK with her, aren’t you? I never asked how you felt about… but you’re far too sensible to get weird about stuff like that, aren’t you? You and me, we’re solid.’
Alex raised his hand, and it was then Zoe noticed Old Banger coming up the road they were walking. The car slowed and then stopped a few feet away, and Zoe followed Alex over.
‘Morning!’ Victor said, giving them both an amiable nod.
‘I bet it’s more like afternoon for you,’ Alex said. ‘I bet you’ve been up for ages.’
‘As it happens…’ Victor grinned and then fixed a more concerned eye on Zoe. ‘Corrine told me about your funny turn. You feeling all right now?’