Chapter 36
“SHUT UP!” Daisy squeals from across the fire.
Clearly our kiss didn’t go unnoticed.
Looking into Rhett’s eyes, I can tell he’s curious about how this situation makes me feel, but I’m so wrapped up in his look of endearment that all I can think about is the need to kiss him again.
His lips meet mine, the taste of marshmallow and alcohol on our breaths.
He cups my cheeks with both of his hands, and I kiss back, excited that we are no longer keeping this a secret.
The rush only makes it feel like there’s a chance this can actually be more.
And right now, sitting here by the fire, wrapped up in his embrace, I want nothing more than that. I just have to let things be.
Daisy hurries to our side, pulling Sawyer right along with her, only to yank me away from him and Rhett the moment she reaches us.
“So how did this happen? When did this happen?” She keeps her words hushed, but each question comes out higher than the last with her excitement—and probably a little help from the shots Rhett gave her.
I can’t help the overwhelming wave of guilt that rises in my chest, forcing myself to question why it’s taken this long for me to tell her about us when she obviously is elated by the information.
I should have told her, and now I feel like the worst friend ever for all the chances I had to say something and chose not to.
I can’t meet her gaze as I struggle to get the words out. “I…I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Guilt resides behind every word I say. I feel weird bragging about something I’ve kept quiet from my best friend. “It was never intentional, it just sort of continued that way and I…”
She stops me, placing both hands on my shoulders, squaring her body up with mine.
“Don’t ever be sorry for not sharing something if you’re not ready to, Kaylee.
Ever.” She doesn’t scold me, but the way she gets that I needed to be told that only confirms the reason we work so well as friends.
“I had a feeling there was something more. But then you both seemed your usual back and forth selves so I told myself to stop overthinking it.” I can tell she’s proud of herself for being right by the smile that lies within her gaze. “Now, spill.”
I divulge every detail like I’m explaining to her the latest drama from Laguna Beach. From the walk home from the Westmore, to the fair, right up to this afternoon in my bedroom. All of it. Every last detail.
And then like a splash of cold water, a single thought hits me.
The fucking buckle. I forgot all about the fucking buckle.
“Let’s go grab another drink.” I try to push the panic out of my voice and force distance between us and the guys so that the boys continue their chat and don’t find interest in ours.
We walk toward the main house and onto the deck, each grabbing a bottle of water before taking a seat on the stairs.
“Whats wrong?” Daisy’s usual doe eyes stare back at me, reading my worry without me ever expressing its there.
Of course, she knows before I say a thing. She always does.
“Okay, so, today before the show I went to Molly Mae’s,” I admit, blowing out a breath. “I was in there a while back and saw one of my dad’s buckles and I couldn’t stop thinking about how badly I wanted to throw it out so no one ever saw it again. Including myself.”
Daisy doesn’t interrupt even as I pause, trying to accurately come up with the right words.
Ugh, I suck at feelings. But I need to get this off my chest. I’m not ready to tell Rhett about it, but after tonight, after him kissing me in front of our friends.
.. I think, no, I definitely want more with him.
I want to see where this goes. But I also have to figure out what the hell to do about telling him about my past, about my family.
Sitting there patiently, she listens along as I continue. “Well Rhett, ended up finding it in the trash at my house because I tossed it in the bin next to the toilet.”
“What’d you tell him?" Her eyes bug out of her head. "Does he know it was your dad’s?’
“No.” My shoulders deflate. I don’t know why I keep doing this. “I guess undersharing is a habit of mine.”
She nods, agreeing, but softly smiles. “You always speak up when you’re ready. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”
And somehow I don’t think Rhett would see anything wrong with that either. His story about the horse is answer enough. He said he’d go as slow as he needed with us. Hopefully he meant molasses slow, because I still don’t feel ready to share.
“Well I should have forced myself to be ready," I grumble. "I even considered it, but then he said that my dad was his favorite rider and what a big deal that hunk of trash was, and I panicked. I told him I didn’t feel good just to get him out of my house. I literally slammed my bedroom door in his face.”
She gasps. “Stop, you didn’t."
“Oh, yes I sure did,” I groan, embarrassed at how insane of me that was.
“And he didn’t question you at all?” Her eyes swim with confusion.
I don’t blame her. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t try to fight it myself.
He just…left. And while the majority of me was relieved to not have to expose my trauma, a small part of me wanted to open up to him as soon as he was gone.
But in the end, fear took over. Protecting myself has always come first.
“No, I think I pushed him away enough at the start of all of this that he probably just thought I was panicking, which I was, just not for the reason he’d think.
” I glance toward the boys to make sure their focus remains elsewhere as I quietly admit, “I don’t want to talk about anything that makes him see me in a different light. ”
With a soft tilt of her head, Daisy’s lips draw up into a soft, sympathetic smile. “He doesn’t seem to be the person that automatically sees the worst in people. I mean, at least from what I’ve seen anytime he’s been around.”
I agree with her, but it still doesn’t change the fact that trusting my heart with someone is not something I’ve ever been any good at.
“He’s not. But how do you tell someone the person they idolized their entire life is a pile of shit?”
“Honestly, just like that.” She shrugs. “Or, you can wait for it to feel right. Maybe think about what you want to say, and if it comes up, then your chance will be right there in front of you. He’s such a big family guy, I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t asked you about yours already.”
“I, for sure, wouldn’t have given him the chance had he tried. Anytime I don’t like the conversation, I clearly find a way to avoid it… Some ways, far more enjoyable than others,” I add with a laugh, hoping to lighten the weight of this conversation.
She smiles. “Either way, I can confidently assume he likes you for you. And if it shapes into something bigger, there’s really no avoiding that conversation.
So don’t let your dad take everything, he’s already taken enough.
” Her eyebrows raise as she nods away from us.
A definite sign the boys are no longer occupied with their own conversation.
“What are y’all whisperin’ about over here?” Rhett butts into our conversation and we both rise from the steps.
“Nothing,” we both say in sync. I turn toward her and smile, nudging her with an elbow as if to thank her in a non-obvious way.
He smirks. “Right. Well, Angel, ya wanna go for a ride?”
Walking toward Sawyer, Daisy wraps her arms around his waist and starts talking about grabbing his guitar, and I take Rhett’s hand as he leads me toward the barn.
“Wait? On the horses?” I feel myself tense, gripping his hand tighter once I realize what I agreed to. Though getting in a car was obviously not the plan.
“Don’t tell me Miss Independent is nervous.” Tilting his head, he raises his eyebrows, and I laugh.
“Scared shitless, actually,” I answer honestly. “Not of her, just of falling off or her getting spooked. It’s been years since I’ve been by a horse, but I’ve never ridden.” I leave out my mother’s comments about how riding a horse only put me two steps closer to spreading my legs for cowboy scum.
I wonder what she’d think now, given it didn’t take me riding a horse to ride a cowboy, and even more so that this isn’t the first time I have.
“Earth to Angel,” Rhett says, trying to regain my attention.
“Sorry,” I shake my head, shifting my focus back to him. “A little out of my element, as you know.”
“That’s alright. Ya can ride with me. And I’ll go slow.”
I wait quietly as he gets his horse ready, watching the care he takes with every step. As he speaks to her, the cadence in his voice is gentle and kind. Whispers filled with love.
After putting her bridle on, he leads her toward me by the reins. “Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be,” I blow out, unsure if I’m actually ready or if I’m just convincing myself to be.
“Okay, we’ll get ya up there first.”
“Wait, do you have any jelly beans?” Angelica whickers, turning toward Rhett and nudging him as if to repeat my question. I laugh.
“Looks like I now have two bossy girls in my life. I don’t, but I can get some.
Wait here.” He jogs out of the barn, leaving me with her, and, oddly enough, I don’t feel nervous at all.
Reaching up, I slide my hand down her forehead, admiring not only how clean she is, but also the velvet softness of her nose.
I think about how at one point such a beautiful, calm creature was once scared beyond repair, pacing a corral.
Trapped in more ways than one. Not only the gates she was surrounded by, but the fear that someone else had seeped into her.
How unfair it was that she wound up with someone who incited pain, and how anyone could even want to.
Something I guess I can empathize with more than I ever openly admit.
A mirror reflection of cruelty at the hand of your holder.
She leans into my pets and I glide my hand up her neck into the soft waves of her mane. I never really found myself fond of animals, mostly because I never had one of my own. But behind her deep brown eyes I find a heart that was once shattered, fully repaired.
“I’m glad he found you,” I whisper. “And I’m glad he found me too.”