Chapter 37
Not money nor fame can buy moments like these.
Marching back into the barn with a pocket full of jelly beans, I didn’t expect to see Kaylee so comfortable with my horse, at least not this fast. My footsteps come to a halt as I watch them.
It really is the simple things sometimes, honestly most of the time, because unlike people, an animal’s trust can’t be bought.
It’s genuine and it’s unwavering once you’ve got it.
Jelly Bean perks up as she notices me, and Kaylee follows her stare. I pace toward them, pulling out a palmful of the candy and dropping it into Kaylee’s hand.
“Didn’t grow out of the grape-only phase, did we?” She smiles, looking through the pile of purple-less rainbow beans.
“Never will,” I chuckle.
Angelica closes the little space between the two of them, nudging Kaylee once, and again almost immediately after.
“Okay okay,” she says, happily extending out her hand. The jelly beans are gone within seconds.
"You ready?" I ask, urging her toward Angelica’s side.
There’s a nervous look in her eyes, but determination glows there as well. She’s holding her head in that confident, almost defiant way of hers. Seeing a challenge and deciding to embrace it, instead of running from it. Her chin dips as she nods once.
"Alright." I loop the reins over Jelly Bean’s head and swing myself up onto her back before smiling down at Kaylee. "Here, Angel. Give me your hand."
Without an ounce of hesitation, she reaches out for me.
I hoist her up easily, giving my horse a minute or two to adjust to us both on her back.
Kaylee settles behind me, the warmth of her body seeping into my back.
Her sweet, intoxicating, sugary scent envelopes the air, making it impossible not to breathe her in.
"Better hold on," I murmur, and in the next instant, her grasp tightens around me.
This night just keeps getting better and better.
We take off out of the barn and toward the small pond. She holds my waist as we ride and doesn’t loosen her grip until we meet the bank. Hopping down first, I help her, and as always Jelly Bean doesn’t budge.
My hands remain on her hips as I pull Kaylee closer to me. “Wasn’t too bad, was it?”
“Riding on the back of a horse behind the hottest man I’ve ever met?” Her lips quirk up into a mischievous grin. “No, can’t say I disliked a single second of it. Well, maybe the bouncing, but beyond that it was fun.”
I smirk. “Boy, what I wouldn’t have given for an aerial view and you in a tank top.”
Her laughter floats around me. “Shut up. I know better than to wear that.”
“You’re right, no tops necessary at Rawlings Ranch.” She pulls away from me, giving me a playful push. But I don’t allow her to gain much distance as I grab her hands and tug her back in. “Just kiddin’, Angel.”
The warmth of her forehead meets my lips as I embrace her for a second longer, before releasing her. Turning back to my horse, I remove her reins so she can graze comfortably before my eyes trail back to Kaylee.
“This place is unbelievable,” she says, taking a seat in the dirt at the edge of the water. Looking down, she picks up a rock and studies it. “You know, I never expected all of this to go so far.”
I take a deep breath, releasing it slowly.
“Can’t say I did either.” I watch as she rubs the surface of the rock, maybe for no other reason than just to distract herself from admitting she likes me so openly, or maybe because she has something she wants to share.
I sit beside her, leaving space between us. “Glad it did, though.”
She smiles. “Me too.”
I linger on what I said, feeling like it’s not enough, but knowing if I tell her how I really feel it might freak her out.
After all, telling someone they fill a hole in your life you never realized was there is a bit deep.
Not that it’s love, at least I don’t think it is yet, but it’s damn near the closest I’ve ever gotten.
I tend to be an all in kind of guy by nature.
Trusting my instincts over anything that stands in front of me.
Maybe that’s bad, but as I look in Kaylee’s direction, I can’t help but be grateful for my lack of stop.
I mean it got me my PAbrA title, sure, but it also got me this moment.
As much as I want to admit I want to be more, I opt for lightness. “Forgot to tell ya, I found that bunny poster.”
Facing me, she smiles. “Accurate, wasn’t it?”
“Eh, if ya asked me before I kissed ya, it would have said ‘mostly, mean’ instead of ‘nice, mostly’.” I wink, the edge of my lips tugging upward. “It made me smile. You make me smile.”
“Good, but one wrong turn and you’ll be graffitiing ‘only, mean’ onto that little poster,” She chuckles.
“I have no doubt, Angel.” I reach in, my hand caressing the side of her cheek as I pull her in for a kiss.
Her lips have the faint taste of alcohol and marshmallows and I savor every second of it.
We break apart, and I fall back to look up at the stars.
My mind drifts to the fair, a day that’s burned into my memory.
The day my angel truly let me see her wings.
She falls back with me and nestles her head in the crook of my arm.
Quiet settles between us, yet the world around us is filled with the sounds of nature—Angelica’s hooves beat the dirt, the soft ribbit of a frog sounds before it breaks the pond’s surface, and Kaylee’s slow steady breaths all bring this place that much more serenity.
“Why did you stop bull riding?” she asks, her voice oddly gentle.
Peace all but withers away as I take a pause. Not that this question is anything new, just her interest toward the subject is.
“How detailed do ya want me to get?”
She cuddles a bit closer to me, wrapping her arm over my torso. “I’ve got all the time in the world.”
I appreciate the sentiment, but that alone doesn’t ease me of the anxiousness I feel about the question. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell this story, every time it’s like opening up a wound.
“Careful what ya wish for. Ma always says I can be long winded when tellin’ stories.
” I exhale, considering where to start. “The night ya saw the best lookin’ and most talented cowboy in your entire life in the bar, was the night I won the second largest rodeo competition in the world.
” I consider mentioning PAbrA, but that’s just unnecessary semantics.
“Money started rollin’ as I kept winnin’, provin’ I earned every right to that title, but I was an idiot.
I blew all the money nearly as fast as the ride that won it. ”
Kaylee doesn’t speak, but instead lays there quietly at my side, the soft warmth of her body against me keeping me grounded.
“My family also has a ranch. Well, what’s left of one.
But there was a fire when we had a drought that destroyed most of the pastures and made us lose a good portion of our herd.
My parents did what parents do, though. They told my brother and I there wasn’t anythin’ to worry about and that we would be back on our feet in no time.
And like an idiot, I was too busy ridin’ the highs of my wins, partyin’ it up, practicin’ and aimin’ for the biggest title, instead of checkin’ in.
Like, really checkin’ in on how things were goin’. I missed the signs so many damn times.”
And here was the part that hurt the most still. The part I still was paying for months later. The part that changed my life forever. “The day of my last ride, I lost focus long before I ever even showed up to the event.”
Kaylee looks up at me, her chin resting on my chest, hazel eyes swirling with confusion. “I’m not going to lie, that shocks me.”
“You, me, and the whole arena, Sweetheart.”
“What happened? What was different? Did you find out about their money situation?” The questions come, but none of them seem accusatory or harsh, merely curious, concerned.
“I found some mail on the table that basically said the ranch not only wasn’t fine, but was teeterin’ on the edge of not bein’ ours at all.” I softly glide my fingers through her silky hair. “Anyway, I learned my weakness that day.”
“And what’s that?” Her voice is soft, gentle. Gentler than I think I’ve ever heard it.
I’ve relived this moment damn near every day in my head.
I’ve dreamed about it. It’s haunted my every decision since.
And still, talking about it never seems to get any easier.
Ignoring the ache in my chest, I manage to get out, “That day I learned that my talent could only take me so far, and that concentration is worth its weight in gold, right down to the damn buckle.”
I blow out a breath, my head aching at the reminder of my accident, but somehow I’m more tormented that a lack of concentration is the only reason it happened.
“I fell off short on my run. Hellfire, that was the bull, was a special kind of pissed. He tried more than once to stomp on me as I aimed to exit the arena.”
Her body tenses all the way to her finger tips. I consider stopping right there, telling her he hit me and that was the end of it, but I know that’s not what she wants. And honestly, I want her to know everything about me and hope one day she will open up enough to share things too.
“I don’t know if you’re familiar with bulls, but his name suits him.
The anger in his eyes haunts me till this day.
Not sure if he was born with the name and just grew into or if they changed it once they saw him compete.
But I think he thought of me as real competition, since I was the only person to ever win on him.
When I blundered my ride I think it pissed him off even more than it pissed me off. ”
“I guess it was a special bond, huh? A scorned ex,” she jokes.
“Of sorts.” I laugh, countering her joke with another as I say, “He really put his heart into Ride Or Die. Hit me from behind and I’m not goin’ to lie I thought I was dead.”
She tenses again, this time shifting her body into a hold that feels more like a hug. “You’re okay though, right? Like, the doctors said you’re okay to live how you want? Or are you not allowed to go back because it was so bad?”
I continue to run my fingers through her hair as I release a huff.
“Yeah, I’m okay. I was cleared a few weeks after the incident.
I actually talked to a friend the other day about all of this.
He asked me the same question. My answer didn’t quite honor how handsome and funny I am, but it did make me feel ready to go back.
This time with a new outlook on why I’m there to begin with. ”
“And what’s that?”
“Because I love it.”
Love requires work. It always has and it always will.
My mind starts to reel about how long it’s been since I rode a bull. Since I climbed over the bars of the bucking chute, and took off into the arena.
Kaylee trails her fingers over my chest, her touch soothing. “You shouldn’t leave the things you love.” There’s a sadness in her voice, and I can’t stop the pain that radiates through me at the depth behind her words.
“You’re right about that, Angel.”
“Then why did you? Don’t tell me Mr. Casanova himself was scared. I won’t ever believe that, you’re too stubborn.”
The dirt beneath my body shifts as I roll to my side to look at her.
I shrug my shoulders, and blow out a sigh, disappointed in how easily I gave it all up.
But at the time, there was so much missing from my life.
I wasn’t giving up, but rather making space for what I didn’t have.
Even though it took a while for me to realize that.
“The day I woke up in the hospital, the room was empty. No nurses or doctors. No one I knew sitting there watching me. Just me and the sounds of machines, the hustle of whatever happened outside my door, and a whole bunch of fuckin’ flowers. ”
Her gaze locks on mine with quiet intensity. She doesn’t see the bull rider or the construction worker. She just sees me as me. Validation that this moment, and every moment with her, is and has been worthwhile.
I can’t help but smile as I continue. “I remember lookin’ around and thinkin’, well this sure ain’t how I pictured heaven.
” I snicker, remembering how bright the room was, but also how cold it felt to be there all alone.
“My first thought wasn’t about my ride, it wasn’t about what to do next, it was about the empty chair beside me.
I had rodeos, I had money there and gone, damn, I even had fame, but it was that chair, and only that chair, that stood out to me.
Ma and Duke came in shortly after. I won’t lie, I don’t even know how long it was, just that it felt like an eternity. ”
She strokes my cheek, leaning in to kiss my lips before retreating to scan my face again. Her touch is warm and makes me feel whole in a way I can’t describe.
“Ma dropped her cup of coffee and screamed. Duke shushed her and told her to remember I hit my head, and then Dad came strollin’ in a little too fast and slipped on the damn coffee.
” A chuckle escapes me once more. Honestly, we’re lucky Dad didn’t wind himself up into a hospital bed right beside me.
She pulls her arm back in, placing it beneath her cheek. A faint laugh escapes her lips. “Sorry, that’s not funny, none of it is funny.”
“No, Dad getting laid out even sparked a laugh out of me, which was not so comfortable with a ventilator down my damn throat.”
She smiles, but a frown quickly replaces it. “God, I’m so sorry you went through that. But you weren’t alone, I mean not for long, at least. Is that why you stopped? Did you stop for them?”
“Thats just it. I saw them and told myself I was lucky to have them, and even more so that I got to wake up at all. And trust me when I say, I can’t express how thankful I am for that.
But they never would ask me to give up my dream, not even after a scare like that.
Wear a helmet? Sure. But not quit.” The weight of those memories feel as if it’s right back on my shoulders.
Like every breath from that day comes at a cost. “Anyways, it’s taken me a long time to realize the real reason I didn’t go back.
Ridin’ is my passion, but outside it, I didn’t have friends, and I love my family, but that’s not who ya shut down the bar with, or ride out to a pond with, or kiss under the stars.
” Looking into her the golden flecks of her hazel eyes, I consider confessing more than I should, but every time we take a step forward, fear makes her push me away, so I decide against it. “I wanted a life.”
The only thing is, while she thinks I just wanted to be young and live a little, she doesn’t realize she’s the one who filled that chair.