Four
River
I learned from an early age the difference between loving someone and being in love.
For instance, I love my older brother, Dae. Despite him never calling, I can’t blame him. He was out of the house by the time I was learning how to walk.
I guess I even love my parents, in a way.
Sure, their favorite pastime seems to be putting me down whenever they get the chance, but that’s love in their own way…right?
Yeah, I’m not sure either. Which is why I haven’t talked to them in almost a year.
Then there’s being in love.
It’s when someone can make you nervous and yet be your safe place to land all in one. It’s when you feel like you must’ve once been one full being, then somewhere in the process of the creation of the universe, you were split in two at the start of some sick, cruel game of finding the other half.
Who is the girl in my life with long, dark hair that she complains is too dry because of the chlorine in the pool.
Her dark eyes that I find intriguing more than anything else.
The girl who leaves her bracelets lying around like maps of places she’s been.
Her sweet scent of nectar that I’m fully convinced isn’t perfume but just the natural scent of her skin.
Who is Summer.
And it’s been that way since I met her and Lily in fifth grade.
Little Summer Ingram-Ruiz.
All long, wild hair and scraped knees from jumping off swing sets just to see how high she could go and still successfully land.
I had just moved from Korea to America and to say people weren’t welcoming would be an understatement.
But as fate would allow it, I was handed the kindness of Summer’s best friend. Quiet and curly-headed, Lillian Hollis.
Lily noticed me always sitting by myself in class and recess. Even lunch. I grew to learn that when Lily noticed something, Summer would shortly follow.
But unlike the gentle smiles and polite waves Lily would offer me, Summer challenged me.
She dared me one day to jump off the swing set with her. She said that whoever could land the furthest won. If that was me, then I could hang out with her and Lily. If Summer won, I had to stop staring at them.
Well, I lost but Summer didn’t stay true to her word because after that, there was never a day I sat alone at the lunch table or wondered who I was going to pair up with for group projects.
I had Summer and Lily.
Although lately, it’s felt like Summer is slowly slipping through my fingers.
We talk, but there’s always this line that both of us are so desperately trying not to cross.
Or even step close enough to tempt fate.
There’s an awkwardness between Summer and me that has never been there before.
There has never been anything that we couldn’t tell each other.
Besides the fact that I’ve been in love with her practically from the moment we met. I don’t tend to bring that up.
Thinking she could never feel the same way actually helped. Because when I knew it was one-sided, I could easily accept that there was nothing I could do.
Now that we’ve kissed though? Yeah, I’ve been finding it a little hard not to want to do it again.
After clocking out for my break, I go to my usual spot at the back of Metric’s, sitting on the ground and leaning against the white concrete wall.
It’s probably not the cleanest place to sit and snack on a jerky stick, but I refuse to sit in the boiling hot break room so I usually just take my chances outside.
Sure, I’m a little too close to the trash can and I’m pretty sure there’s a raccoon hiding out nearby, but the small luxury of having a moment of peace makes it worth it.
Besides, Lily’s service is already laggy. I don’t need the sound of the cafe chaos to drown out our conversation.
“I’m so damn jealous,” I groan.
Lily looks up from the blueberry muffin she’s carefully cutting into the perfect bite-sized pieces. Because of course she’s the only person who is on a luxury cruise ship eating a prepackaged muffin.
The buffet alone made me salivate just from the pictures on their website.
And to top it all off, she’s not even out on the deck, enjoying the sun or partaking in any of the fun activities I read on the same website. Instead, Lily is hiding out in her and her grandparents’ shared cabin.
She goes back to dissecting her food, something she often does because her mind has convinced her almost every food she eats is poisoned.
If I could pull all those negative thoughts out of her head and run them over with my car, I would.
“Wanna switch places?” she asks.
“Sun on my skin, wind in my hair, and all the food I can eat?” I lift my eyebrow. “Deal.”
I rip another bite off my jerky stick with my teeth, watching the silent chaos taking place in Lily’s eyes.
I hate to admit it, but Summer is usually better at handling Lily’s compulsions than I am. Lily has never expected us to do so, but I could never leave her to her own accord. She’s always been there for Summer and me—the least we can do is the same.
“Is The Bastard being extra loud today?”
Lily pauses her movements at the mention of the name Summer and I gave to her compulsions. We read on the internet that externalizing the thoughts would help.
So now we belittle The Bastard any chance we get.
“Yeah,” Lily sighs, shoving the now crumbling muffin away, not having taken a single bite. “Sorry.”
I shrug. “You don’t have to be sorry, Lils. Just try and focus on our conversation and not the one in your head.”
She puffs out her cheeks but then nods, finally looking at me through the phone screen.
“You know,” I begin, not caring that my mouth is full. “I heard that sometimes dolphins follow cruise ships. Maybe if you go up to the deck, you could see one.”
She looks at me as if I just said the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever spoken in all twenty years of my life.
“With my luck I’ll fall over the railing and drown.”
She tries to hide it but the corner of her lips tugs upward. “I think my grandparents hate me.”
I shove the wrapper of my break snack into my pocket, shifting my phone to my other hand. “They don’t hate you,” I argue.
Because there’s no way in hell that Freddie and Estelle Hollis hate Lily. She’s their entire world.
I continue. “I’m sure they just want you to have a good summer before heading out here.”
“I know.” She sighs, tugging on the fabric of her long sleeve shirt. “I just really wanted to see you and Summer.”
“We want to see you too. We’re starting to have Lily withdrawals.”
Her laugh catches me off guard. The sound has been rare these past few months. I’d probably argue that it’s been the past few years, but her hospital trips don’t seem to be helping any.
“Lily withdrawals?” She quirks her eyebrow.
“Yeah. It’s a serious problem, okay? Eight months without seeing you is getting me antsy over here.”
To prove my point, I pretend to scratch the skin on my neck, tugging on the collar of my polo.
I see movement from the corner of my eye and look over to see Summer sticking her head out from behind the building.
“Hey.” I find myself trying to sit up straight.
Summer waves and takes the spot on the floor next to me, but I notice the amount of space she makes sure to keep between us.
Her mouth opens to speak but whatever she was going to say is completely forgotten when she sees whose face is on my phone screen.
She gasps and rips the phone from my hands. “Hi, Lils! Don’t worry, your favorite person is now here.”
Lily waves back but it starts to get glitchy.
Damn it. I thought we were in the clear this time.
Summer pouts and stares at my phone as if it’s the culprit of the terrible service and not the fact that Lily is literally out at sea right now.
“We’re having a hard time hearing you, babe.” Summer raises her voice as if that’ll help.
Lily says something else and this time I can at least make out something along the lines of her not having a favorite.
Summer apparently hears what she wants because she smiles and says, “I’m going to take that as you agreeing with me.”
Lily’s response comes out staticky. Now her camera is following in pursuit.
“Lils?” I lean closer to Summer, only to get Lily’s attention, of course. “Do you want to just call us back later?”
I can make out just enough of Lily’s thumbs-up and little head nod before both Summer and I wave our goodbyes.
Summer hangs up the call and hands my phone back to me. “She looked like she was having fun.”
“Oh, yeah,” I respond sarcastically. “Tons. She was telling me about all the water activities she’s been doing.”
Summer flicks my forehead at the implication of Lily finally getting in the water and her not even being around to see it.
“I’m gonna get her in the pool one day,” Summer huffs, that determination of hers making an appearance.
“I mean you got pretty close that one time.”
The image of Summer ridiculously dancing around when Lily willingly sat at the edge of her grandparents’ pool just two summers ago takes over my mind.
Lily had given a shy smile as Summer sang her heart out and made sure to let Lily know she was proud of her.
Even if the water only went past her ankles.
Summer has been trying to help Lily get over her fear of water for years and I don’t think she’s stopping anytime soon.
“Is she okay, though?” Summer leans back against the wall, those dark eyes looking at me.
I hate to bend the truth a little but I know of Summer’s tendency to feel like she has to fix everything. And unfortunately, her main “projects” lately have been Lily and her dad.
Two situations that she can do nothing about and I’m starting to think it’s driving her crazy.
“She’s good.” I smile. “She was actually eating breakfast with me.”
Summer’s eyes light up at the mention of Lily eating anything. I want to give Summer more of that hopefulness.
“Really?”
No. Lily basically turned her muffin into a pile of mush on her plate from tearing the entire thing apart, convinced she’d find something hidden within the food.
“Yeah.” I nod. “She’s not broken, Summer. Just…particular.”
Summer rolls her eyes. “First of all, I never said she was broken. Secondly, she’s not particular, she has OCD.” Summer’s eyes narrow at me. “You didn’t…encourage any of her compulsions, right?”
I love this girl. I really do but her micromanaging sometimes makes me wanna rip my hair out. Just to get it out of my system and then I’ll go back to hanging on to every word she says.
“Summer?” I grin.
She groans, bringing her hands to her face and aggressively rubbing her eyes. “Okay, yeah, I know she’s not a kid. She doesn’t need babysitting and you would never intentionally do anything to hurt her. I get that.”
She recites the phrases I’ve said to her in the past when we’ve had this exact conversation.
Summer has a big heart and sometimes I think she just doesn’t know what to do with all that love, so it comes across as overbearing.
Honestly, I’m completely holding myself back from telling her that if she’s having a hard time figuring out what to do with that amount of love, she can direct some of it right here toward me.
Not wanting her to start being hard on herself—because she definitely has no reason to do so—I decide to change the subject. “Are you sure you should be sitting on the floor in that fancy get-up?”
Summer looks down at her work uniform and rolls her eyes. “You’re right. I really should be more careful about ruining this beauty.”
She tugs at the suit vest that rests over her dark button-down. The whole look is pulled together with pressed slacks and canvas shoes. I think she looks cute in the Ellingbrook Country Club uniform, however Summer has expressed she does not share this opinion.
She looks down at her watch and groans. “I have to go and serve overpriced meals to people.”
I find myself quickly moving to stand, just so I can reach down and help Summer back up to her feet.
Using the excuse of being helpful just to sneak in a touch every once in a while has basically been my life since middle school, when I got a taste of the buzzing sensation that happens in my body whenever she touches me.
“Aww.” I smile at her. Luckily, because we’re the same height, I can look directly into her eyes. “Did you come by just to see me before work?”
“No.” She doesn’t hesitate. “Beth wanted to grab a coffee before heading over.”
I take the risk of her pushing me away and wrap my arm around her shoulders. Luckily, she does what she’s always done and leans into my side. “Want me to whip something up for you?”
Her lips pull back in disgust. “No thanks, I’d rather walk across hot coals.”
We start walking toward the front of the building, not only because she’s not allowed through the back, but also because I want more time with her. “Need me to pick you up later?”
She shakes her head and I have to admit that anyone else driving her anywhere causes a strange form of jealousy to grow and expand within the cavity of my chest.
Summer is one of the most self-sufficient people I know. Asking for help isn’t really her forté but I like that there’s at least one thing in life she needs me for. It makes me feel like she needs me just as much as I need her.
“No, Beth and I were going to grab something to eat after.”
“Okay.” I nod and force myself to finally pull away so I can hold the door open for her. “Just call me if anything changes.”
She gives me a quick hug before walking over to the table where her coworker, Bethany, is sitting on her phone, wearing the same uniform as Summer.
I force myself to clock back in and focus on taking orders instead of watching Summer leave and wishing I could just keep her with me. In more ways than one.