Twenty-Four
Summer
“You’re staying?” I shriek and Bethany quickly slaps my arm while frantically looking around to make sure that no one else at the party heard me.
Moose, especially.
Bethany shushes me. “I’ve been thinking about it. I mean, I’m going to be out there anyway so what if I just stayed for a little while?”
I try not to dissuade her from staying in Japan. I know she’s leaving in six days, but she was supposed to be back within a week. Right before school started. Bethany was just meant to visit some family she hasn’t seen in forever but now she’s planning on staying.
“You only have one year of school left, Beth. Are you sure?” I shouldn’t be the voice of reason right now. I should be helping her pack her bags and telling her to go on her adventure.
“Look.” Bethany scoots closer to the edge of the lawn chair she’s sitting in and leans into me. “I know it sounds ridiculous, okay. But ever since Milo died, it’s just been…hard. I love it here but something just keeps pulling me toward Japan.”
I get that and I might be a little selfish, but who am I going to talk to at the country club? Sure, I have Hazel, but she’s one of my bosses. It’s not the same thing as Bethany and I fighting to keep a straight face for the entirety of our shift.
I lean back in my own seat, unable to help the sigh that escapes. “When are you going to tell him?”
Bethany looks like she’s on the verge of crying and I feel really bad for even bringing up her trip in the first place. This isn’t how this party is supposed to be going.
Bethany shakes her head. “Tomorrow. And I know I should’ve told him by now, but I’m scared.”
“Scared of what?” My eyes narrow and I’m ready to go all mother bear.
“Moose and I haven’t been dating for that long,” Bethany explains. “And I know everyone thinks that we’re moving fast. Sometimes I’m even aware of how quickly we’re moving, and I just don’t know if our relationship can survive long-distance.”
I kind of just picture Moose packing up his things and going with Bethany. Maybe she can read this on my face because she shakes her head.
“I’m not asking him to come with me. In fact, I’m going to beg him not to.” Bethany chews on her bottom lip. “He thrives here. Moose has his friends and hockey and he wants to graduate. I’m not going to ask him to give that up. He wants to stay and I want to go.”
“If anyone can do it, Beth. It’s you guys.” I feel the need to promise her something I can’t even be sure of, but at this moment it feels right. “I think it’ll be shitty sometimes, sure, but I think you two will make it.”
Bethany lights up like I’ve just made her whole day and this very thing is what kept her from telling Moose in the first place.
“I’ll tell him tomorrow,” she says with newfound determination.
It feels like she’s telling herself more than me but I nod along with her anyway.
The sudden sound of someone doing a cannonball makes me look around the obnoxiously large backyard.
I don’t know most of the people here but I’m not going to say no to free drinks and taking a dip in one gorgeous pool.
Moose and River stand across the pool, talking to some guys from the basketball team—at least I think that’s what Moose said.
River is wearing nothing but his swim trunks.
His hair is damp and brushed back after taking a dip in the pool.
I’ve had to stop myself multiple times from asking River if he needs to head inside where the sun isn’t so bright.
Apparently, I’m somehow convinced that the dark sunglasses perched on the bridge of his nose aren’t doing enough to keep his eyes from overexposure.
River is an adult, I remind myself. He can decide when something is too much for him.
It’s hard to fight the urge to drag him inside, sit him in a dark room, and reach into my bag to give him all the ibuprofen I have to beat the inevitable migraine.
“Summer.” Bethany extends her leg to nudge my foot with hers. “What’s going on between you two?”
Oh, would you look at that. It’s about time for me to put on more sunscreen.
Bethany reaches over and snatches the bottle of sunscreen from my hand. I was hoping that she forgot I put some on five minutes ago.
“I already told you.” I sigh. “There’s nothing going on, Beth. This is just how we are.”
I can feel her staring at me, but I don’t dare to look away from Kacey, the girl who has become everyone’s personal bartender. Right now, she’s busying herself with making Jeanette a drink.
With this recent news of Bethany staying in Japan for a while instead of coming back, I figure that by the time I see her again—if I ever do—maybe it won’t be so awkward if I just admit what’s been happening this summer.
I can’t tell Lily and it’s been driving me crazy. I need to get this off my chest. Here’s to hoping Bethany keeps her lips sealed.
“Do you think two people can sleep together and still stay friends?” I blurt out.
“Oh.” Bethany freezes. “Oh.”
I wince, daring to look up at her but she’s not looking at me. Well, not only at me. She’s looking between River and me.
“Are you sure you even want to stay friends?” Bethany asks and my spine straightens.
“Of course I want to stay friends with River. He’s my best friend, Beth.”
She grins and I can’t take back the fact that I’ve just flat out admitted what’s been going on between River and me. But I don’t think I even want to. I’ve been holding all of this in for so long that it feels like my chest has deflated, just from finally being able to say this out loud.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Bethany grins wider. “I meant that to me it kind of looks like you want a little more than that.”
I’ve gone from wanting to avoid this entire thing between us to now feeling like it’s inevitable.
River is standing in front of me and the urge to go over there and tell him that I don’t want us to end in a few weeks is strong. I want to see what would happen if we carried this into the fall. And winter. And spring.
Not just sex.
I want more. I want everything.
I run my finger along the bracelet River picked out for me a few days ago. The pearls are white but the braided fabric is my least favorite color.
Yellow.
I didn’t have the heart to tell River otherwise, not when he’s wearing a matching one.
“Maybe you should tell him,” Bethany says.
I look away from River and back to Bethany. She smiles at me and uses my words from earlier against me. “If anyone can do it, Summer, it’s you guys.”
“What if he doesn’t want that?”
Want me?
“Well then, first of all, he’s one hell of an actor.” Bethany laughs. “And secondly, then at least you’ll know. But I don’t think there’s much of anything that could break your friendship up.”
Bethany is right. River and I have gone through hell and high water together. He listened when the knowledge of me being adopted would sometimes spiral into an identity crisis. He sat with me when I found out ten months ago that Dad has cancer.
We went to prom together.
Sleepovers. Arguments. Inside jokes.
I told his parents off in our senior year of high school because his mother told him that he wasn’t good enough for anything or anyone.
How could being together possibly be so bad?
Here goes nothing.
“Thanks Beth.” I scoot off the lawn chair, my bare feet hitting the hot pavement.
“Good luck!” she calls out to me.
As I move closer, River does a double take in my direction. Something in my movements must mean business because even Moose stops talking to watch me.
“Can I talk to you?” I don’t look at anyone but River.
Moose and the other four guys clear their throats. He pats River’s shoulder, guiding the group somewhere else in the backyard.
“Hey.” River brushes his fingertips over my arm. “Everything okay?”
I perch my sunglasses on top of my head, as if that’ll help River see that I’m serious about what I’m going to say.
“Yeah, I just—”
“Hey, Leander!” Jeanette shouts from nearby.
Leander? As in—
Wherever Leander is, Analisa is quick to follow and then Savannah usually comes after that. I don’t need to turn around but I do and there they are.
Jeannette is hugging Leander and Analisa, then waves at Savannah. My body grows cold.
Why are they here and how do they know Jeanette?
Like she can somehow feel me staring, Savannah’s eyes scan around the backyard, landing on me almost immediately. Her smile doesn’t falter. It grows wider, actually. And she waves.
River’s hand touches the small of my back and I turn my head to see him standing close behind me.
“You good?” he asks.
I don’t know why I find myself pulling away, but I do and River notices immediately. His eyebrows furrow and the hand that was resting on my back hovers in the air for a moment before it drops to his side.
“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “I’m fine, why?”
“You said you needed to talk to me. Did you want to go somewhere more private?”
“No.” The word tumbles out of my mouth before my brain can decide against it. My skin feels exposed and vulnerable right now. And it’s not because I’m in a bikini. “I mean, what I had to say wasn’t important.” I try to recover.
River gently smiles. “You can still tell me,” he encourages and all I can seem to do is shake my head and force a smile.
“I’ll be back.” Not really. I have full intentions of hiding out. “I’m going to go get a drink.”
I don’t give River time to ask me any more questions nor do I look behind me to give Savannah the chance to smile at me again.
***
I don’t speak to Savannah. Or Bethany. Not even River.
I try to stay out of everyone’s way, ignoring conversation as much as I can.
But I only make it as far as the evening because River finds me in the kitchen when everyone is supposed to be outside, watching the fireworks.
Or at least what they can of it because Dosha said that a storm was supposed to be heading our way.
So now, Moose and some of the other guys are trying to set off as many leftover Fourth of July fireworks as they can.
River’s sunglasses rest on top of his head and his skin is slightly tanner than it was earlier today.