Twenty-Four #2
“So which is it?” he asks. “Are you avoiding me or the fireworks?”
I hop off the counter, making an effort to keep my voice light. “Neither, I was just about to head out there.”
I most definitely wasn’t.
Like he knows this—because he seemingly knows everything about me—River holds his arm out for me to link mine with his.
“Then shall we?”
I do link my arm with his and follow him to the front yard, which happens to be just as big as the back.
A few people are setting up the fireworks on the sidewalk, while others are sitting on the grass or standing around talking.
I search for Savannah, who hasn’t made an effort to talk to me today but has let me know that she’s very much aware of my existence at this party.
She smiles at me. Not the polite one she gave me when we ran into each other weeks ago.
The smile Savannah keeps giving me is the one that made me gravitate toward her in the first place.
Soft. Gentle. Inviting me in with just one look.
Savannah has been asking me almost silently to come talk to her. Leander and Analisa—who I found out are Jeanette’s cousins—on the other hand have been giving me dirty looks all day. I spot Savannah sitting down on the blanket with Jeanette and Bethany.
River gently tugs me along to sit on the grass, no blanket beneath us. I sit with my legs crossed and back pin straight as River stretches his legs out in front of him, leaning back on his palms with his body close to mine, as always.
“Ready to get to naming foods.” River slips his sunglasses back over his eyes.
I don’t know why he bothers to watch fireworks anyway. He once said that watching fireworks is the equivalent to a flash bang.
It’s quiet between us while everyone around us is talking and laughing, but I can’t bring myself to turn toward River or lean into his side.
If Savannah saw us, I’d feel awful. Then she’d know she was right and I can’t fix the fact I was so scared of my feelings for River that I dated Savannah in hopes I could ignore them.
I can’t necessarily fix the truth.
Moose helps to line the first few fireworks on the street. He lights them up and jogs off to steer clear of accidentally getting hit. The sound booms into the sky and pops. The sky shines red for a moment before trickling down and returning to black.
“Apple.” I keep my head tilted up even though there’s nothing up there yet.
“Sweet or sour?” River asks.
“That one was sweet.”
River flinches back when a white firework brightens most of the sky. My instinct to try and solve the problem takes over.
“Why don’t we just head back inside?” I finally turn to look at River instead of stealing glances from my peripheral vision. “It’s not like you’ll see much anyway if you end up with a migraine.”
Honestly, I should just suggest that we head back to the apartment. Maybe I can sleep this day off and talk to River properly, like I wanted to do earlier.
But River rears back, yet continues to watch, so I keep trying to think of foods that correlate to the colors. Usually, this whole game is fun but I’m so aware that Savannah is nearby, and I’m scared of her hearing me laugh. Or seeing me lean into River.
This is meant to be one of River’s and my final hurrah before this deal of ours comes to an end.
I shouldn’t be here sitting under the colorfully lit night sky, worrying about how awful of a person I am—while also biting my tongue and not foolishly admitting to River everything I was brave enough to do earlier today.
Another firework lights up the sky, decorating it a shade of yellow. Everything comes to a halt when the first few water droplets are felt. Everyone at the party collectively stops for a moment, followed by a string of disappointed groans as it’s now officially sprinkling.
“Looks like the party is over,” Ava shouts from somewhere in the small crowd.
I take that as my cue to stand up and try to make a run for it, but River stands with me, quickly catching my wrist. I hate that my instinct is to pull away, but I don’t.
“You’re avoiding me,” River says gently.
“I already told you I’m not.” I try to keep my voice light, easy. “It’s raining so I’m heading inside like everyone else.”
That logic makes perfect sense. I mean, it’s not why I’m heading inside, but it still makes sense.
River watches me for a moment and I feel too exposed standing there, letting him—but when I go to pull away, River gently pulls me along to the side of the house, away from the front door.
“Is it because Savannah is here? Is that why you’ve been dodging me all day?” River steps closer to me, and this time I let him. “You know you can tell me if you still have feelings for her, right? That was part of the deal.”
Right. The stupid deal that was entirely my fault, so I really have no one to blame other than myself.
It’s not that I meant to avoid River but admitting to one thing will inevitably lead to admitting to another.
But maybe it’s time I gather up that courage I had earlier today.
I seemed to feel better when I admitted my feelings for River to Bethany.
Maybe I need to finally admit them to River himself. It’s time I just lay it all out.
“I didn’t want Savannah to see us,” I finally say, the start to my admission.
“Okay…” River nods. “But why?”
Just tell him. We can’t keep going on like this. I can’t keep going like this. “I want to tell you why Savannah and I broke up.”
“Summer—”
“No, I want to. I should’ve told you why when it happened but I—I was scared of what it meant.” I step closer to him and take a deep breath. I can’t give River time to say anything or talk me out of this. “We broke up because she thought that I was in love with…with you.”
River’s breath hitches and I swear he stops moving for half a second.
“Are you?” River’s question comes out hesitant.
Wait…that can’t be right.
I admit the truth anyway. “Yes, I’m in love with you, River.”
The rain has now picked up. It thumps against the roof and soaks our clothes.
Goosebumps form on my skin, but it’s too humid out here for it to be anything other than the fact that River hasn’t answered me yet.
I thought this would be good news. I thought that he felt the same way.
Why isn’t he saying anything? Why is he putting space between us?
I can’t take the silence. “So…what are we going to do about…that?”
“Nothing.” River doesn’t hesitate to break my heart. “We agreed on this just being for the summer. We can’t be anything more than that.”
“Are you genuinely saying that you don’t feel anything for me?”
I’m not blind. This summer hasn’t just been about sex. There’s no way that it was. Even when it needed to be, wanting more just felt natural.
River runs a hand through his hair, ripping off his sunglasses. The wraparound lights decorating the roof of the house give me enough light to see that his eyes are now red.
His voice cracks. “A relationship isn’t going to work between us. We both know that, Summer.”
I clear my throat, trying desperately to get rid of the lump that’s seemingly suffocating me. “So, that’s just it then? We’re going to go back to pretending that nothing happened? Again?”
“That’s what you wanted.”
“And I’m telling you it’s not what I want anymore, River.” My voice grows louder, like maybe he’ll finally understand what I’m trying to say.
I don’t care if anyone who might still be outside for whatever reason can hear us. Hell, I don’t even care if anyone inside can hear what’s happening.
River can’t bring himself to look at me. Instead, he stares down at his hands. “We made a deal, Summer. We can’t just—I can’t do temporary with you. And you think you want me now but it’s not going to last. You and I are never going to work, Summer. I can’t let you settle. Not for me.”
“No.” I shake my head. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to tell me what I want.”
Settle? How could River possibly think that I’d ever be settling? If anything, he deserves more. But I’m selfish and I don’t want anyone else to have him. I want River all to myself.
“You’re right.” River’s voice shakes and I want to pull him closer, but I have a feeling he’ll pull away, and I don’t know if I can handle it if he did that. “I don’t get to decide what you want but this is what I want. And I think we need some space from each other for a little bit.”
That doesn’t exist between us. It feels wrong in every way possible.
“You can’t be serious?” I croak, wiping away the hair that’s stuck to my cheeks.
River doesn’t even have to say anything for me to know the answer. There’s nothing I can do or say to make this better. To take it all back and accept the version of us we were before all of this.
I wipe away my tears—or the rain. I can’t tell.
Thunder roars and cracks nearby but neither of us move.
There’s a huge space between us now and this time I can’t reach out to get to River.
Everything I’ve been running from flashes in front of my eyes, reminding me that I never really had anything under control, did I?
Lightning brightens part of the night sky. The ground shakes beneath my feet and the blades of grass brush against my ankles, making me remember that this is all real and River doesn’t want to fight for this. For us.
No matter how hard I try, River always seems to slip through my fingers. I can’t ever get a good grip on him. I can’t ever seem to fix this. To fix anything.
“I think you should probably get a ride home with Bethany and Moose.” River finally speaks.
My shoulders square back and I nod, looking right at River. “Yeah, sure. I’ll do that.”
I don’t stick around to let River say anything else, not that I think he would anyway.
I walk back into the house, hearing everyone in the living room and kitchen.
A few stray people near the entryway see me and Savannah happens to be one of them, but I don’t stop for anyone.
I walk right up the stairs and toward the bathroom that Moose showed earlier today.