Twenty-Nine
Summer
I try to sit patiently and listen as the doctor gives us the rundown on Dad’s treatment and tells Papi and me to keep an eye on Dad—as if we needed a reminder.
My foot taps against the vinyl tile, the anticipation to get out of here taking over.
Papi was the only one who could stay with Dad for the first two days. Then when Dad was deemed stable enough, I spent every visiting hour here. So, it’s not like I’ve been trapped in the hospital for four days straight but I’m dying to get out of here.
And I’m excited to finally see Lily. We decided that seeing each other while Dad was in the hospital wasn’t the best idea, just because I was trying not to come in contact with pretty much anyone, to prevent Dad from getting any sicker.
But now? We can’t seem to get home fast enough.
“Good luck.” Dr. Oswald smiles softly. “Let me know if there’s anything you need.”
The three of us thank him and I’m already pushing Dad out of the room in the wheelchair he’s forced to sit in on the way out.
Papi hangs back, talking to the nurse. I was hoping no one would notice just how fast I’m going. Dad hasn’t said anything but he does laugh.
“Mija,” Papi calls from down the hallway. “Slow down. Lily isn’t going anywhere.”
I throw my head back and groan, but I still listen and slow my pace. Dad reaches for one of my hands, squeezing.
“I appreciate the fast and furious driving, sweetheart.”
We finally get into the car and the twenty-minute drive home feels like it’s taking forever. I like chatting with my parents and I’ve missed sitting in the backseat, laughing with them. But I can love being with my parents and also be excited to see my best friend.
The little blue house I grew up in comes into view and I’m now practically bouncing in my seat. This is the most lively I’ve been in the last week.
Papi and Dad both laugh.
“Do you need help, Dad?” My hand rests on the door handle as I’m preparing to bolt because I see Lily sitting on the steps of the porch. The same ones we spent years gossiping and crying on.
Lily’s dark brown curls are pulled back in a braid and her usual Mary-Janes are replaced with sneakers.
Her skin is tanner than the last time I saw her.
And I know with her being half black, that’s not a hard thing to do, but it makes me happy that she hasn’t strictly been cooped up in her room.
And that she hasn’t avoided the outside world entirely.
“No, Lovie.” Dad smiles. “Go ahead.”
I stumble out of the car and Lily stands, a smile on her own face. We’re both laughing before we’re even within arm’s reach, but when our bodies finally do collide, it’s with a thud. We both groan into each other from the harsh contact but we don’t dare to pull away.
I don’t talk about how fragile she feels. Or how raw her hands look from her constantly picking at the skin around her nails. I don’t tell her that I should’ve been here sooner. Nothing about school or River or swimming escapes my lips because Lily is right here in front of me.
I knew I missed her. I knew I needed her, but I wasn’t aware that it was this much.
“I missed you.” I squeeze tighter than I need to.
“I missed you too.”
***
“Lily, sweetheart, are you okay?” Papi calls out from the front porch, a pitcher of lemonade in his hands.
I gasp from my spot on the grass. “Why does she get offered a refill?”
“Because you’ve had about five. I can’t keep up with you.”
I look at my glass of lemonade—or at least what was once a full glass of lemonade. Lily’s nearly full glass rests right next to mine.
“I’m okay, Santi.” Lily smiles.
“Alright, let me know if you girls need anything.”
“Thanks, Papi,” I call out.
He heads back inside, leaving Lily and me alone once again. We fall back into our resting positions on the grass, under the sprinklers, looking up at the clouds.
Lily points up at the sky. “That one is definitely a dragon.”
“I see a duck,” I argue.
Lily has always been afraid of the water so growing up, we compromised to cool off by sitting under the sprinklers.
I can’t help but reach to my left but all I feel is the damp grass instead of River’s hand.
He’s tried calling and texting. I’m guessing because Bethany told him about Dad. I know that it’s unfair of me not to respond back but he’s the one that said we needed space. And if he cares so much, then he can call my dad himself.
Instead of trying to worry about the empty spot, I look to the place Lily takes up on my right. She wipes tiny water droplets from her glasses and I’d argue for her to take them off, but then she wouldn’t see any shapes in the clouds at all.
“Have you been keeping busy?” I ask.
Lily snorts. “Yeah, Mr. Darcy and I have been rewatching Diary of a Space Cadet and my trip with Mimi to the farmer’s market was enthralling.”
I give her a fist bump despite the mild sarcasm in her voice. I don’t care that she’s only been hanging out with her grandparents and her fat cat. I’m just happy she’s not retreating again.
“See?” I smile. “That’s productive.”
“No it’s not.” She laughs and I remember how much I miss hearing that sound. Not just in person but in general. “I should be hanging out with people.”
“You’re hanging out with me,” I argue.
I lean my head against her shoulder and sigh. Content. For three whole seconds.
“Am I supposed to be pretending that you and River aren’t talking?” Lily asks nonchalantly.
“Yeah, actually,” I mumble. “You were.”
“Okay…but why?”
For the longest time, Lily has been the person I told everything to, but this one thing with River just seems like something I should keep to myself. It was already weird enough that I liked our best friend, so I didn’t want to make it even more awkward between all three of us by telling her.
I didn’t want her to think she had to pick sides or something. But denying my need to tell her everything is driving me insane. I’m tired of doing this alone but I’ve already ruined my friendship with River. This could ruin her friendship with either me or River. Or both of us.
Actually, never mind. I’m just going to keep my mouth shut.
“I thought you guys would’ve had the whole dating thing figured out by now,” Lily says, seemingly out of nowhere.
My eyes widen and I choke on nothing but air. I sit up. Lily joins me while patting my back and trying not to laugh.
“What the hell does that mean?” I cough.
“I’m not stupid, you know.” Lily grins in that gentle way of hers. “You and River have always been kind of obvious. Like, get a room obvious.”
“Not true!”
“Yes it is.” She laughs. “I thought you guys just felt weird about pursuing anything ’cause I was around. Then you both left for Ellingbrook and now River is texting me and asking if you’re okay.”
It’s not that I can’t keep this up any longer, it’s just getting exhausting.
I scoot closer to Lily, our knees now touching. She watches me. Not judgementally or expecting anything from me. I could tell her nothing and she’d be fine with that. She’d let me come to her when I was ready.
Lily may spiral about everything else in life, but when it comes to River and me needing a shoulder to cry on or advice, she’s always been the steady one.
I know Lily enough to know that she’d never laugh in my face. Or tell me I’ve ruined everything. What I’m terrified of is Lily agreeing with River.
That he and I would never work out—not in a million years.
I take a deep breath. “River and I kissed.” And because Lily remains quiet, I keep talking. “And then we kissed a few more times after that.”
“You only kissed?” She gently pushes.
I try to keep a straight face, but I sometimes forget that Lily knows me just as much as I know her.
“Okay.” She simply nods. “You guys were…physical. Is that all you wanted?”
My shoulders drop. “At first, yeah. Maybe? I guess I thought I did but—now I want more and River just…doesn’t.”
“What?” Lily’s eyes widen. “He said that?”
I groan and lean forward, resting my forehead against Lily’s thigh. She doesn’t flinch like she normally does. This time, she rests her hand on my head.
“He said that we wouldn’t work. That he didn’t want me to settle.”
Settle? For him?
River is insanely delusional if that’s what he thinks.
Lily’s laughter fills the space between us and my head shoots back up, confused. Her smile is wider than I’ve seen in a long time. “Are you telling me that River thinks you guys can’t date because you’re too good for him?”
“Yeah…I guess?” I can’t help but chuckle. “Why is this so funny, Lillian? I’m heartbroken.”
“You guys are idiots. How could you not work out or at least give it a shot? You two look at each other like…like you just know. You know?”
I groan because her hopeless romantic tendencies are starting to sound like everything I want right now. “You need to stop watching so much Pride and Prejudice.”
“I’m serious.” Lily’s laughing calms down and she lightly pokes at my thigh. “You and I are best friends. But you and River? I don’t even know how to put that into words.”
How is Lily Hollis of all people making something sound so easy? She weighs out the pros and cons of absolutely everything in life. No matter how minor. She once made an entire PowerPoint about why going on our last high school field trip was a terrible idea.
She, River, and I didn’t end up going after all, deciding to camp out in Lily’s backyard instead. Tent, sleeping bags, bonfire. The whole nine yards. Honestly, it ended up being the most fun we had all school year.
Lily is known to overthink everything and here she is telling me that loving River is as simple as just that.
“He doesn’t think it’s that easy,” I remind Lily of the big issue here. “And maybe he’s right, Lils. Not only could this ruin me and him, but what about the three of us?”
And she’s laughing again.
I love to hear it, but I don’t know if I appreciate it being directed at me.
She pushes her slipping glasses up the bridge of her nose. “You’re in love with River and you’re worried about me?”
It’s habitual at this point. I don’t think there’s a moment when I’m not worrying about Lily.
“I think you should just tell River how you feel.”
“I tried—”
“No,” she interrupts. “Not just that you love him, but why you do because clearly River’s finding it hard to believe you could feel the same way.”
I’ve never thought about it that way. I just assumed that he could tell how I felt. I thought he could see the version of him that I see. That I’m in love with.
I smile softly at Lily, the tangling in my chest unraveling, for now at least. I’m sure I’ll still cry about all of this later.
“Maybe you should be going to Kingswell to be a therapist instead of a marine biologist,” I joke.
Lily only rolls her eyes playfully and goes to stand up to finally take a sip of her lemonade.
I can’t help but look back at the empty spot in the grass that River should be on. I’d brush the hair from his eyes and tell him that this could all be so simple if he could just see himself the way I do.