Thirty
Summer
“What the hell are you doing?” I try to keep my voice down as I help River climb through my bedroom window. I may want to punch him right now, but I don’t need him slipping and plummeting onto my front yard.
River trips over my ruffled carpet, landing on the floor with a thud. We both wince and halt our movements when the sound of footsteps coming from my parents’ bedrooms starts heading in the direction of my room.
“Shh.” I put my index finger over my mouth, warning River to not move a muscle.
I walk over to my bedroom door, cracking it open just as Papi reaches for the door handle. “What was that?”
Dad has always been the stricter one, but I guess with age the roles have reversed.
I clear my throat. “What was what?”
He narrows his brown eyes but tries to hide his amusement. “The loud thud, Summer.”
“Oh.” I blow hair out of my face. “I was getting into my pajamas and tripped.”
“You…tripped?”
It’s not that my parents hate River. They love him. I’ve just avoided the topic of River for a few days, and I don’t really want to explain why he’s sneaking into my bedroom at ten at night.
Not that I would know why he’s here. Or why he felt the need to climb through my window.
“Is she okay, babe?” Dad’s voice travels down the hallway from his bedroom.
“Yeah!” I call out to him. “I’m okay, Dad.”
It’s silent for a moment, Papi and I looking down the hallway. Papi then sighs and chuckles. “For the love of god, Mija, keep the shenanigans to a minimum, okay?”
I shake my head. “There will be no shenanigans.”
“Goodnight, sweetheart.” Papi rolls his eyes, but smiles against my skin as he presses a kiss to my forehead.
“Night, Papi.”
I watch him walk back to his room before closing my own door, leaning back against the wood and sighing.
River finally stands up, dusting off his jeans. I catch a sliver of his stomach and the top of his boxers with how low his jeans hang on his hips. The memory of River’s bare, warm skin under my palms has me stepping closer before I realize what I’m doing.
I force myself to stop, my fists clenching and unclenching at my sides, the urge to reach out to touch him almost unbearable.
It’s odd. I went years being able to refrain from acting on my feelings for River.
Every sleepover. Any moment alone. Any hug or touch, I could brush off the tightness in my chest or the shaking in my hands.
Compartmentalizing my feelings for River that had absolutely nothing to do with our friendship was a gift that I learned to master, but now that I’ve had a taste, it’s like my body is having withdrawals.
River stands awkwardly in the center of my room. He doesn’t seem to know where to look or what to do with his hands because he puts them in his pockets just to take them out.
“Are you crazy?” I cross my arms, choosing to remain near the door instead of stepping closer to him. “We’re not twelve anymore. You can’t just sneak in through the window.”
River shrugs. “Why not?”
“Because it was cute then, now it’s a little stalkerish.”
“Well, I had to do something. You won’t answer any of my calls or texts,” River says. The nerve of it makes my blood boil.
“That’s literally what you wanted, River.” I make an effort to keep my voice down, but I’d love to yell at him right now and ask where he got the nerve.
River winces. “I know…but you still could’ve told me about your dad, Summer. I was so worried that I finally had to call Santiago myself.”
I shrug, trying really hard to keep my demeanor nonchalant. I don’t want him to know he can affect me so easily. “Okay, you found out that my dad was fine, so I don’t know why you kept calling or why you’re even here right now.”
“Because I miss you.” He has the audacity to flat-out say.
No, he doesn’t get to do that. He doesn’t get to say that after pushing me away, after telling me that we wouldn’t work.
I walk over to my dresser, digging through my drawer for pajamas to give my hands something else to focus on instead of the pounding of my own heart.
“I’m sure you can find someone else to entertain you, River,” I snap. “Because I don’t have the mental capacity to do that anymore.”
I steal a glance in River’s direction. I’d probably feel better if he looked a little hurt by my words, but he looks as if he simply understands.
“I’m an idiot. I know that.”
“No shit,” I mutter.
River continues. “I don’t deserve anything from you but all I’m going to ask is that you listen to what I have to say. Then you can push me out the window after.”
I lean against the dresser, arms still crossed and barriers still up. I don’t say anything, but I don’t kick River out either and he takes the hint.
River lets out a sigh of relief and allows himself to sit on the very corner of my bed. “I know you probably won’t believe me, but I’ve loved you from the moment we met.” He doesn’t beat around the bush. Good. The sooner he leaves, the sooner I can go back to pretending that my chest isn’t aching.
“You’re just this warmth that I feel in my chest and no one else has ever been able to replicate that.
” My breath hitches at River’s words. “There isn’t a moment that I’m not thinking about you.
There hasn’t been a time that I haven’t been in love with you.
You mean absolutely everything to me, Summer, and I’ve only ever wanted the best for you.
” He laughs, unamused and self-deprecating.
“No, you deserve more than that. You deserve any and everything you want but that ridiculous ‘thing’ I want is you, Summer.”
“And what if I said I wanted you?” I finally speak.
River has a pained look on his face. “That means more to me than anything. I’ve wanted to hear that for so long but, Summer…don’t we want different things?”
I don’t think I quite understand what he’s talking about. We don’t exactly think alike. We have small debates but I’ve always thought, for the most part, we were on the same page.
River’s voice shakes. “You want this grand life, Summer, and it’s not a bad thing. I want that for you too. But you want to make something for yourself and I’m just…stagnant,” he says, as if this is a fact. “I’ll only hold you back and I’m so scared of being something you end up regretting.”
Regret? How could I ever regret River? There’s never a plan in my future that he’s not a part of. Never a time where I think that I’ll grow tired of him or feel like he’s holding me back. If anything, he moves me forward. I know I’ll always have him in my corner.
River inspires me to be better. To want better. He’s not just some fleeting presence in my life, and I would think that after a decade of friendship, he’d know.
“You think I deserve better than you.” It’s not a question. It’s what he genuinely thinks. “What would better look like?” I ask.
“Would it look like someone who would offer me the shirt on their back—not because I needed it, but because I asked? Or someone who hates schedules but has memorized mine down to a T, just so there’s always at least one moment in the day that’s just ours?”
“Summer—” I cut River off.
“Does better look like someone who moved out to Ellingbrook with me just because I was scared of being all by myself? And would better be someone who looks at me and genuinely sees me? Brings out the better in me? Reminds me of who I am? I only feel truly myself when I’m with you, River, so if the lack of all those things constitutes as better, then no.
I don’t want it. I’m perfectly happy with you. ”
River clears his throat. He can’t bring his eyes to meet mine, so I meet him halfway and sit beside him on my bed.
“What if…” He hesitates. “What if you no longer want me around when you’re out in the world doing and experiencing all of these amazing things?”
I furrow my eyebrows. How is this guy so smart, yet so oblivious? “I’m sure you’re one of the very few people I would actually want around, River.” My smile is gentle. “You’re not a mediocre person. Not to me. You said that you see me as someone who is amazing, but I see you just the same way.”
I always have. Ever since we were kids. I guess I always assumed he knew that, but now I’m going to let him know any chance I get. “You’re not ‘average’ or ‘boring’ or ‘stagnant.’ You’re gentle. And kind. You’re funny and talented. And you’re my bestest friend in the entire world.”
I rest my hand on my thigh, palm facing up, welcoming River to take it. He does.
“We should make another deal.” River gently smiles.
That was the very last thing I was expecting him to say.
“No,” I groan, resting my head on his shoulder. “No more deals. I’ll admit it, okay? I was wrong and our summer arrangement was a stupid idea.”
He chuckles. “It was stupid but I mean it brought us here, right?”
I guess that’s one way to look at it.
“Alright, fine. What’s this proposition of yours?” I can’t ignore my curiosity.
River thinks about it for a whole half second, then he’s smiling at me and I want the sight tattooed on the back of my eyelids.
“First things first,” River begins. “I want to take you out on dates. Like official ones.”
“Okay,” I agree. “Then I don’t want to hide anymore. If I want to kiss you or hold your hand, I don’t have to wait until we’re alone.”
“That’s a good one.” He nods. “Then I want to be able to call you my girlfriend and in turn you’ll call me your boyfriend.”
Sounds absolutely perfect to me.
“One more thing.” I squeeze his hand.
River grins, as if he knew I was going to say that. I lean in so our noses brush against one another.
“I want it to be for the summer.”
His expression falls but I quickly continue.
“And the fall. Winter. And spring. I want to be an us every day of the year for as long as you’ll have me.”
River smiles and presses a kiss to my forehead. Then nose. To both of my cheeks. And then finally, his lips hover over mine.
He whispers against me. “You’ve got yourself a deal, Pretty Girl.”
River’s eyes darken and he’s pulling me closer, so that I’m now sitting in his lap. I slide my hands up the side of his neck, closing the gap between us. Tingles travel down my spine, the buzzing in my hands causing them to shake.
Our first kiss as an official couple and my body is highly aware of it, like it’s waited a lifetime for this moment and I’m finally granting it that wish.
His tongue meets mine, warm and delicate. Our foreheads remain pressed against one another, neither of us daring to come up for air. How could we when this whole moment is the start of everything?
***
River
I don’t know at what point Summer and I fell asleep last night.
One minute we were talking about how this was all going to work with our schedules when school started.
Then we moved on to making out with Summer laughing against my lips, warning me that we had to be quiet so her parents wouldn’t hear us.
Now, I’m watching Summer breathe as her head rests on my chest. She hasn’t woken up yet, which is surprising because I’m usually the one she’s hitting upside the head with a pillow to get up.
I rest one hand on her hip and the other on top of her own hand that’s resting on my chest. My body is so relaxed, as if this is all it’s ever needed. If I told little River Choi that Summer was his girlfriend, he’d probably call me a big fat liar.
I can hear Nick and Santiago downstairs in the kitchen. Their voices are muffled. I can already smell the bacon and usually I’d be the first one down there, piling my plate full, but for now I think I’ll stay right here with Summer.
Or at least I thought I’d be able to, but there’s a light knock at Summer’s bedroom door.
I barely have time to react before I see a head full of curls peek from behind the door. I completely freeze in my spot as Lily scans the room and her eyes land on Summer and me almost immediately. Then she’s assessing the situation in front of her.
“Hey, Lils.” I keep my voice quiet. Not just for Summer’s sake but I’m also not a fan of getting Summer’s parents involved.
They’re usually pretty cool but they’ve also never caught me in bed, cuddling their daughter.
Lily seemingly can’t help but smile.
When Summer is awake and I’m not hiding out in her room, I plan on giving Lily the biggest hug ever, and maybe find out how much she knows about Summer and me. For now, she reminds me just how much of a saint she is.
“I’ll just tell Nick and Santi that Summer asked for a few more minutes before getting out of bed,” Lily whispers.
“Thanks, Lils.”
She goes to back out of the room, but I quickly call out to her, still trying not to wake Summer.
“Yeah?” Lily asks.
“I missed you.”
“I missed you too.” She smiles. “But I’d hurry up if I were you because I can only distract her parents for so long.”
“How long do you think I have?” I can’t help but ask.
Lily hums, thinking about it for a moment. “Maybe…fifteen minutes?”
I’ll take it.