Day 99
Eve
I’ve never been too good at goodbyes, but especially not when they’re imposed.
After losing my sister, I thought a lot about death.
I wondered how I’d survive losing my parents when it inevitably came to that.
I always pictured me and Livi going through it together, leaning on each other, even if she was my baby sister and we weren’t always close. I knew we’d grow to be, with time.
We’d never grow alongside each other. Not anymore.
I’ll never threaten her boyfriends or cry at her walking down the aisle. I’ll never even get to know what she’d choose to study or shed a tear at her prom or graduation. Just like I’ll never see my mom’s smile or hear my dad’s footsteps as he comes home.
Adam and I didn’t stay in Vermont. After he picked me up—literally, since I could barely hold myself on my own two legs—we drove and drove until we crossed state lines into Massachusetts, as if changing our location would allow me to escape from my empty home.
The hollowness of it haunts me, still, anyway. I think it always will.
He gives me all the space I need to mourn. We don’t speak, but having him here is enough, as I try to sort through… everything.
For two days, that’s all I do. Shed silent tears for all the things I’ll never get to share with my family. Maybe this is still a dream, I try to tell myself, maybe they’re happy and alive and together somewhere and they miss me. I have no way of knowing for sure. I don’t think that I ever will.
It’s all a matter of what I choose to believe in, at the end. It’s funny how irrelevant the truth is.
It’s nearly sundown two days later when I finally speak.
“My college isn’t too far from here.” My voice is hoarse, and I can feel him staring at me.
“I didn’t want to be very far from my family, when I applied for schools.
I wanted to be driving distance away.” I lean my arms over my knees as I hug them close to my chest. “I would have taken you on a tour around campus. It’s less than a day’s drive away, but…
” I stare at the setting sun. “It’ll just be depressing, I guess. ”
“Most of the world is,” he agrees, sitting next to me. We’re on the porch of the house we’re staying in. I still don’t love the idea of squatting, but sitting out on the porch is less guilt-ridden, somehow. No family photos to turn around.
“I think we need to reconsider… this.” I lean my cheek on my arm. “Everything.”
This empty world that we’re chasing answers in. I chased answers when my sister died, and again over the last two days.
But maybe the only definite truth is that we’ll never know. Maybe there isn’t an answer.
There could be one. An explanation. Maybe it’s right there at our fingertips. Maybe people are simply another mile away.
But I’m tired of chasing.
Adam looks at me quietly. With patience. I should be telling him how thankful I am for him, for not having to go through this alone.
I promise myself I will, after this. After the words I’ve been stewing in finally make their way out of my mouth.
“Maybe… maybe we need to give up.”