Day 160
Eve
We sit at the kitchen table, my journal open in front of us. There is only a title at the top of the page.
Home to do list
“So,” I start, twirling the pen between my fingers. We spent last night in the truck’s back seat, of all places, because I suddenly got nostalgic as I looked at it. I had a feeling we wouldn’t be sleeping there again in a long, long time.
“So,” Adam echoes back, looking at me with anticipation.
“Before we start thinking about planting and farming—it’s not the season for it, anyway—we should probably focus on the house itself.” I tap the journal with my pen. “I think installing generators and reinforcing the plumbing should be a top priority before the winter comes.”
He nods and I write those things down. It’s clear to both of us that I’m thinking out loud, not expecting or needing his approval, but I don’t want to do these things alone. I want him to be involved in everything. He’s already a part of everything that matters, anyway. My present and my future.
“After we do that, I think it’ll be smart to deep clean.
We can remove everything we don’t want, maybe store anything we throw out in the next house over.
” I allow myself a second of hesitation before adding, “We can maybe get some… decor, too. It’s not really necessary, I guess, but I’d like the place to feel like home,” I admit to it like it’s a crime.
It’s not practical, so it feels like splurging.
“That will be fun.” He recognizes the hesitation in me, and his fingers drum on the wooden table with excitement, almost as a way to encourage me. “We need to love the house if we’re planning to spend forever here.”
The finality of the word washes over me. It’s not fear that overflows, but… warmth. Confidence. Love.
Forever here, with him. The man I love.
I open my mouth and then shut it, heart racing, and clear my throat before I say something I’m yet to fully comes to terms with.
“Exactly,” I agree, and with shaky hands, I add two lines to the list.
Deep clean (purging anything we don’t want)
Refurnishing + redecorating
“After that,” I say, “or, well, maybe during, we need to grab equipment, too. Freezers, mostly, to help us store supplies. Not that we’ll be able to live off frozen meat forever, but it’s better to stock up on everything, anyway.”
“At least for the winter.” Adam nods. “We should make sure we aren’t lacking in anything for those next few months. Going out when it’s snowing is not ideal.”
I love the practicality in his voice.
I love his voice.
I love him.
I try not to let the emotion overwhelm me as I stare at the page before me, batting away the moisture from my eyes.
“There’s a pretty big pantry.” He keeps going, his thumb pointing to the room adjacent to the kitchen.
“I think a lot of it is probably spoiled, by now, but after we clean and throw it all out, we can fill it with cans and dry goods, right? I’m pretty sure pasta and rice should still be good to eat. ”
“Yeah,” I let out, and I don’t know if the quiver in my voice is that audible to him, too, or if it’s only evident to my own ears.
“Are you okay?” His gentle question only brings more wetness to my eyes.
“Yeah, I’m good.” It’s not a lie, not really, but I can tell he thinks that it is, because of the thin film of tears.
“I’m overwhelmed, but—” I try to hold a sob back.
“In a good way. Does that make sense?” I release a short huff of laughter, wiping the corners of my eyes.
“Just, imagining all those things. It makes me happy.”
“Deep cleaning a stranger’s house makes you happy?” he jokes, but his hand grabs mine, intertwining them on the wooden table.
“Yes,” I choke out, “because I’ll be doing it with you.”
His eyes widen, his expression turning serious, and he opens his mouth to say something, but I don’t let him. I don’t want to hear it. Not yet, when everything is new and confusing and we have so, so much work to do.
Besides, I think I already know what he wants to say.
“So after we rearrange the house”—I refocus on the list—“I think we should maybe get some seeds and plants from a nursery, if we can find one. We might have to switch the truck to a van or something even bigger…”
We spend the rest of the day planning. Noon comes and goes, and only after we finish eating a late lunch, do we have a solidified plan for the next few weeks.
“We can start with the purge today, if you’re up for it,” I suggest after we put the dishes in the sink. It’s so weird, cleaning up after ourselves. We’ve gotten used to just leaving mess behind us, knowing it won’t bother anyone.
“Sounds good.” He stands and stretches. “I already took down all the photos, so that’s one less thing to worry about.”
“You did?” My eyes rush to the entrance hall, and I realize he’s right. There are only nails on the wall, while the framed photographs from before are nowhere to be seen. “When?”
“When you were in the shower this morning.” He speaks matter-of-factly, as if it’s no big deal. “I know you don’t like looking at them.”
I love you, I want to scream.
I step into his arms instead and stand on my tiptoes to kiss him, my hands wrapping behind his neck, my tongue joining my lips in an effort to show him, instead of saying it.
“You’re welcome,” he huffs with amusement when I finally tear myself away to breathe.
“I—it’s just…” Fuck, what do I say? How do I not say it? “It means a lot,” I whisper, the words feeling useless and empty.
“I know, love.” His soft voice gives me chills even in the warm, early fall sun that spills from the windows. “I know you.”
It’s the way he says it, like he’s saying something else, and I know he knows. Even if I didn’t speak the words.