Chapter 19
Riot. St. James
“Riot St. James,” Uzi called my name over the speaker, so that I could walk up to the front, and receive my certificate of completion. She was calling our names based on alphabetical order of our last names, and since my last name started with an S, I was further to the back to be called.
I felt proud, standing up out of my seat, and going to the front.
Proud because I remember the moments that led me here.
I came home, fresh out of jail, and Ari hit me with this news, telling me that she signed me up for a women’s self-defense course.
I was offended. Offended because I felt like I didn’t need a course on how to defend myself.
I knew how to fight, and I knew how to shoot.
Ari felt like I needed the course for different reasons.
She felt like I needed structure. She felt like I needed this course to use as an outlet.
She knew that before I got locked up, that I enjoyed going down to the range and shooting my gun, so she felt this was beneficial for me.
She paid for this course without even asking me if this was something that I wanted to do.
I remember my first day, walking inside of the warehouse, feeling like I was angry at the world for having to come here.
Being around Uzi though, seeing how cool she was, hearing the knowledge that she had when it came to women protecting themselves, and the time that I was able to have in the range, were all things that changed my mind about this course, and it had become something that I would look forward to each morning.
I could have given up. I could have felt like I didn’t need this shit, but I stuck in there, went through months of hard training, physical activity, lots of lessons, and it landed me right here in this moment, taking steps to go up front, so that I could grab my certificate.
Uzi treated this moment like a big deal.
She had all the staff lined up, standing up front with her, and like this was graduation, we had to shake each of their hands.
Once we made it over to Uzi, that’s when she handed us the completion certificate, along with the duffle bag that everyone received once they made it up front.
Lowkey, I was excited to see what was in this duffle bag.
I had a feeling it was a gun tucked away in here.
That, amongst other things, because the bag was heavy.
I took the duffle bag away from Uzi, thanked her, and then she put the certificate in my hands.
She was looking at me with this gleam in her eyes.
You could tell that she was proud of me for sticking through this shit.
I’m not going to lie, when that video got leaked of me getting jumped in jail, that was the moment when I just knew that I wasn’t coming back to this course.
I was scared to come back and have to face these bitches.
I knew a lot of them didn’t like me here.
A lot of them felt like I was cocky, so at the time, it felt like the hardest thing in the world for me to come back.
Uzi got in my head, just reminding me of who I was, and that played a huge part in why I decided to come back.
“I’m proud of you girl,” she told me, as I came over to stand next to her, so that we could take a picture like everyone else had done.
She hired an entire camera crew to come out, and snap pictures, along with videos of this moment. Once I finished, I went over, and I walked back to my seat.
I sat in silence as the other girls names were called after me.
There were at least fifteen girls that went after me.
Once that ended, Uzi went on and she started giving out awards.
A lot of the awards went to people that came in and didn’t know what the hell they were doing when it came to protecting themselves.
A lot of them never even held a gun before.
They made big changes during the months that they were here, and she wanted to shine a light on them for that.
“Alright, before I bring this ceremony to an end, I have one more award that I want to give out. This last award means something to me. It’s special.
These past few weeks, as I’ve sat down, and brainstormed what I wanted the biggest award to be that I was going to give out, I was having a hard time coming up with a name.
I wanted something that was going to stand out.
I wanted something that within the name, you could hear just how hard this specific woman worked to earn this award.
After weeks of deliberation, I decided that I wanted to name this last award The Iron Woman award,” she went on, and then she took a deep breath.
“A little backstory on why I decided to call it The Iron Woman award. I told you all before that when I started this course, it was all because of the voices that I had in my head of my daddy. All kinds of conversations that me and him had over the years. The messages that I didn’t understand yet.
The purpose that I had here in this world, that I didn’t know was my duty to fulfil.
Everything that I do within this course always resorts back to things that he’s told me,”.
“Back when I was a teenager, he used to tell me that I was an iron woman. I remember the first time he called me that, I had a hard time grasping what he was trying to say to me. He called me this not long after I lost my mother,” Uzi’s voice cracked a little bit.
She had to take a pause. Talking about her mom, and her dad, who were both deceased had to be hard for her.
I know it was. Any time I bring up my brother, or my dad, I’m always fighting back tears.
The shit wasn’t easy, but we had to go through life trying to find a way to push through it.
“He called me iron woman because with all the things that life pushed my way, I was still going to push through it. I was still going to show up. When my mom died, I was just a teenager. A kid. I had to take on that role quickly and be the person in charge for my little sisters to look up to. They were watching me, and they were depending on me to be that nurturing person in their life, now that our mother was no longer here. To be able to fight through your own personal shit, push yourself, and stay committed is what my father told me it meant to be an iron woman. That’s how I came up with the title for this award,” she went on.
“I’ve decided to dedicate this Iron Woman Award to one of you young ladies in here. This person right here…”
She took a moment to pause, and then she laughed while shaking her head.
“I’m not going to lie, when she started this class, she was that one student that I just knew I was going to have to beat her ass,” she went on, and she got everyone to laugh. I was laughing too.
“I’m laughing, but I’m so serious. She reminded me too much of the younger version of myself.
The version that I wanted to beat, and remove all that hurt, and anger.
She wasn’t loud though. Always quiet. Always sitting in the back of the room.
You could look at her and tell that she had a lot of shit going on.
I didn’t judge her though. I didn’t judge her because I was once that person.
I was once that person that walked around with that hurt on my shoulders.
The hurt was so heavy that you could see it in her eyes.
I saw brokenness, and I saw grief. I saw a person that’s lost people and didn’t really know how to navigate through that kind of pain,” when Uzi said that, two tears fell from my eyes.
She was telling my story, and it brought out hella amotions to sit here, and hear it.
“Out of all of that though, the thing that stood out to me was that she still showed up. I knew that life was beating her ass, but she still came. Through the grief.. the anger.. the sadness.. the shit going on outside of this classroom, and she still showed up. She could shoot a gun already, but she took the correction when I gave it to her. She was eager to learn new information too. With all that being said, I’ve decided to dedicate this year’s Iron Woman Award to…
Ms. Riot St. James,” she finished, and my tough ass started crying in front of all these damn people.
You know that cry that Sanaa Lathan did on Love and Basketball?
The one where they lost the basketball game, and she had to pull her jersey over her face to hide the fact that she was crying?
That’s what my tough ass was in here doing.
Only thing is, I wasn’t wearing a jersey.
I had a nice Ralph Lauren Oxford button down on.
It was light blue, and that’s what my ass was using to hide the fact that I was crying.
I could hear my classmates cheering for me, telling me to get up, and get my award.
I think this hit me for a lot of reasons.
Uzi felt like my personal therapist up there, explaining exactly how I felt when I stepped into this warehouse months ago.
All those feelings that she spoke on were the feelings that I had.
Just angry, and hurting, running around like everything was okay with me, but these big green eyes were going to tell on me every time.
I knew that Uzi didn’t give me this award because of favoritism.
I really did change with this course. I was nowhere near the same person that I was when I walked in here for the first time, after serving my time in jail.
To see that change in me, and to look at me as a woman of steel meant a lot to me.
“Come on, Riot girl,” Uzi said to me over the mic.
I was able to get it together, and I stood up out of my seat. I walked to the front, shaking everyone’s hands again, and when I made it to Uzi, we embraced one another. She let me know again that she was proud of me. She put a custom plaque in my hand. I was just expecting another certificate.