Chapter 32
THIRTY-TWO
As I crunched up the gravel drive for the second time in the last few weeks, Ashcliffe Hall looked imposing, but now not so intimidating. Having Penn walking beside me as my actual boyfriend rather than my pretend one, and knowing now that his parents didn’t despise me, gave me the little boost of confidence I needed. That and the fact I was wearing jeans and my nicest jumper instead of being packed into a mortifying confection of satin and lace.
This time, Bunny and Hugh greeted us with hugs and smiles, making me wonder if Penn was right about Hugh warming to me after all. Bunny asked for an update on the goings-on at the shop, seemingly fizzing with excitement about it. We appeared to have unleashed British nobility’s answer to Hercule Poirot.
‘You must hold your nerve,’ she said as she delivered us to our bedroom; a shared one this time. ‘When I exposed Tiggy Archibald as a cheat at polo, I made sure to keep my enemy close. Do the same with Christa and she’ll fall right into the trap. Now, lunch is at one. I’ll see you at table.’
When we went down, everyone else was assembled with aperitifs, chatting quietly. The table was set with a crisp white cloth, gleaming cutlery and crystal glassware, and had candles burning to offset the slightly gloomy sky outside. The room still made me cringe at the memory of my first awkward meal here, but everyone was casually dressed as promised, and there was the smell of a roast dinner emanating from somewhere beyond that was reminiscent of Sunday dinners back home. As I took my seat at the table, I felt a little more like I belonged.
As well as the family, there was Nathaniel and other friends of the Burton-Edwardses, including Sophia. She gave me a wink and tipped her glass towards me across the table. I smiled back – I wouldn’t say we were exactly friends, but we were more relaxed around each other now.
As the starters were brought out – smoked salmon for everyone else, a cheese soufflé for me – the conversation immediately turned to the subject of the arts project. Within moments, I realised that this wasn’t just a lunch; it was an intervention. Nathaniel pressed hard to persuade Penn, stressing how valuable he would be with his music-teaching abilities, as well as dangling a carrot in the form of an on-site apartment he could live in.
Bunny and Hugh extolled Penn’s virtues in both music and ambition, and Sophia regaled the table with stories of how incredible he was in live performances.
I felt a wave of unease wash over me. Bunny had seemed to accept Penn’s choice to live in Newcastle and to help us save our businesses, but this would also be an irresistible opportunity to lure him back to Northumberland at the same time as indulging his preference for a musical career. As everybody eagerly supported Penn’s appointment to the job, I felt like I was disappearing both from the conversation and the big picture. I forced an encouraging smile onto my face.
‘I think it sounds great,’ I said. ‘You’d be incredible.’
Penn looked down at his plate and turned over his fork restlessly. The atmosphere between his chair and mine felt heavy with conflict.
‘Thank you,’ he said to Nathaniel eventually. ‘Like I said before, I’m flattered that you’re considering me. But I want to keep my shop. I want to stay in Newcastle.’ His hand dropped under the table and reached for mine, squeezing as he found it.
Hugh’s nostrils flared, and he flicked an apologetic glance at Nathaniel. I strongly suspected they’d imagined it would be a done deal.
Nathaniel coughed uncomfortably. ‘Well. I appreciate your candour. But since the centre is yet to be built, we have time yet, in case you change your mind. Unless another suitable candidate comes along, of course.’
‘Of course,’ said Penn. ‘I hope you find the right person.’
Hugh sighed, but it was clear that continuing the discussion would create more discomfort. Good manners dictated that a change of subject was in order, so we spent the rest of the lunch talking about horses.
After, Penn and I put on our coats and went for a walk in the gardens with Hendrix. The sky was leaden and cloudy, but the frost had melted and the grass underfoot was soft and damp. We kicked along quietly, Hendrix running in rings, his feet churning up sprays of water as he went.
‘You can’t turn it down,’ I said softly.
‘I can. I don’t want it.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘Why not?’
I took his hand. ‘Because nobody would turn this down. A well-paid job, an apartment. Being able to have… what-do-you-call-it… creative control? Penn, you have to take it.’
‘Annie…’
‘No. Please don’t do this. The shop is a gamble, and one that’s against the odds at the moment. If you take the job, you’ll have financial security at the same time as doing what you love.’
‘What if my priorities have changed?’ He locked eyes with me, and his jaw muscles flexed. I tried to keep looking at him, pleading silently with him, but had to look away. My throat was starting to feel thick with frustration and sadness. I wanted this for him so much, but it might come at a cost.
Hendrix skittered up, a ball in his mouth, nudging at Penn to throw it for him. Penn kissed my forehead then wandered off, looking deep in thought as he sent the dog running back and forth. As I watched him, I felt as though I wanted to follow but didn’t – I left him to it and took a seat on a stone bench in the walled garden.
Winter pansies and irises gave the ground a splash of colour, and I fixed my eyes on them, thinking hard. It all felt so confusing. I wanted him to take the job and wanted him to stay with me, but the balance was tipping in Northumberland’s favour. Here, in his home, he was repairing bonds, being offered new opportunities, and the thought of him getting all of that gave me a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. I realised that my feelings for him had become frighteningly deep. I couldn’t even give those feelings a name in my head, but they were there, muted for now. No… not just for now. If I ever told him how I felt, it would only hold him back from his dream even more.
My phone rang – it was my mam. I answered it, wrapping my other arm around myself against the chill.
‘Hello, darl,’ she said, and I sensed trepidation.
‘Hiya. Is everything okay?’
‘Yes, of course. Other than your dad prowling around like a caged tiger on his crutches.’ She paused. ‘I just wanted to let you know. We’ve found somewhere to move to.’
I sucked in a breath. ‘You have?’
‘We’ve found a place to rent in Woodswell.’
‘Woodswell…?’ My heart sank. If Penn thought Dunhall was down at heel, then he’d have an education in Woodswell. It was well known for having a high crime rate and not much else to commend it.
‘And we can move in next month. It should do nicely until we figure out what we can afford to do next.’
I couldn’t speak. The thought of them living in a place where their neighbours’ kids might welcome them by taking their car for a joyride made my blood run cold. Never mind the countdown to New Year – this was a countdown to disaster.
After trying my best to sound pleased for them, not wanting to make her feel any more stressed about the decision they were having to make, we hung up.
There must be something else I could do. Anything.
In my desperation, an idea that I’d thought of and previously rejected sneaked back into my mind. A bank loan. I clearly couldn’t make enough from the shop in time to get them through until Dad could return to work. So what if I could quietly get a loan, not tell them about it and pretend it was still proceeds from the shop? A surprisingly successful comeback?
I’d dismissed it before as being too extreme, but now that I knew they were headed for the Wild West known as Woodswell, I decided it was as extreme a situation as it could get. Even if I had to work myself into the ground to pay it back, get myself two jobs, move back home, I would damn well get this house off the market. I had to stop the sale in its tracks before the exchange date next month, or I’d never get over it.
I searched online, scrolling through pages and pages of loan information, interest rates and terms and conditions, becoming so absorbed that I didn’t hear Penn walk up behind me.
‘Is everything okay?’ he asked softly, his eyes fixed on my phone screen.
‘Mmhm. Everything’s fine.’ The tension in my voice immediately gave me away.
‘Annie, tell me.’
I wilted. I didn’t have the energy to lie. ‘I’m going to take a loan. I can’t let my parents sell up – I just can’t. If they go through with it, they’re going to end up living in a street where every other house has boarded-up windows. So if I can just help them through the next couple of months until Dad’s back at work, then they won’t have to.’
His face fell. ‘I thought they’d talked you out of getting involved. And how will you pay it back?’
‘I’ll figure that out later.’
‘But the interest, and repairing the finances at the shop. It’s a debt you shouldn’t risk.’
I felt a flash of indignation. ‘Shouldn’t I? Penn, I can think for myself. And for my family, it’s a risk worth taking.’
‘So why can’t I think for myself?’ he asked sharply. ‘You’re so certain that I should take the music centre job, that it’s the best thing for me, but you won’t take my advice in return.’
‘It’s not the same. You’ve got a golden opportunity, and I’ve got to dig my family out of a hole. It’s not the same at all.’
‘Then let me help you. Take the album money.’
‘No! We’ve been over this. I won’t accept charity.’
‘It’s not charity!’ He stood up and scuffed his hand through his hair impatiently. ‘If you can sacrifice things for the people you love, then why can’t I?’
I froze, and Penn did too. It was as if we were in slow motion for a moment as we both realised the implication of what he’d just said. Those forbidden words in my head that I’d successfully quieted before struggled for my attention again; the loaded phrase Penn let slip had galvanised them, given them strength. But I didn’t dare. I’d never said I loved someone before, and this predicament wasn’t the fairy-tale backdrop to my first time. And if the words reached my lips I couldn’t take them back, and that would only make it harder for him to make the right decision.
I stood up. ‘I can’t watch you throw this opportunity away,’ I said carefully.
‘And I can’t watch you bury yourself in debt.’
‘Then maybe we shouldn’t be in sight of one another.’
There was a beat as we held our breath, neither daring to speak. Then I straightened my shoulders and swallowed the lump in my throat.
‘I need some time to myself. I’m going up to the room.’
I turned and walked away.
Upstairs, I sat on the bed, wiping the last of my tears. Then I repacked my bag and called a taxi to the station.
On the dressing table was a pen and some notepaper bearing the family crest. I sat down and started to write.
Penn,
These last few weeks have been amazing. Who’d have thought we would ever meet each other in the middle, never mind grow as close as we have? I’ve truly loved every minute of it.
But it’s not right. I won’t be the one who holds you back from the things you want to do. I know you said that city life and the shop are too important to leave behind, and you keep saying you don’t want to leave me. Penn, I saw the look in your eyes when you turned Nathaniel down, and even though you tried to hide it, I could see the disappointment. You should stay here and be with your family, where you belong. And I’ll be with mine. So I’m going to make it easy for both of us. It’s over. I’d never forgive myself for stepping in the way of your dreams, or for worrying you with my problems. Once we’ve wrapped things up with Christa tomorrow night, promise me that you’ll call Nathaniel and take the job.
I need some space, so please don’t come after me. And tomorrow, to get through the business with Christa, can we just be friends?
You’re an incredible person, Penn. Talented, generous and kind. I can’t believe I had you so wrong in the beginning. Make the most of this chance, and enjoy it. Just promise me you won’t forget that Miley Cyrus is just as good a songwriter as Stevie Nicks when you’re teaching the kids.
Love, Annie
At the sound of tyres on gravel outside, I picked up my bag and left Ashcliffe Hall as quietly as I could. As the taxi pulled away, I didn’t look back.