Chapter 15
Liz, February 28
Liz: And that was that.
Ben: What did you do?
Liz: What I do best. I ran.
Ben: Literally?
Liz: Yes. I ran home.
Ben: Have you talked to him this morning?
Liz: No. I’m talking to you. As my best friend I felt like you would have advice.
Ben: Plus, I’m a guy.
Liz: True.
I had sent Ben a text first thing this morning and relayed the entire Matt saga. Part of me didn’t feel comfortable telling Ben, but I have no one else. Ben is safe. Five thousand miles is plenty of distance, and Ben knows me well enough to be impartial.
Ben: You want my opinion?
Liz: Always
Ben: As a friend?
Is there another option?
Liz: What else? Yes. As a friend.
Ben: The kid from England you’re always going on about is a distraction. I’d advise you to dump his ass.
What? Did he mean himself?
Liz: Is that supposed to be a joke? It’s not funny.
Ben: Think about it. I am the excuse for why you can’t be with Matt, right?
Liz: Not exactly.
Was that even true? What was my excuse for not taking up Matt’s offer? What would it hurt to go on a date with Matt? I like Matt. He’s funny and caring. He’s always been a great friend. I guess I’d just never thought of him in a romantic way before.
Ben: But on some level…
On some level, if you were here I’d want to date you so it would be a problem, yes. But you’re not here, you’re far away. Matt is here and he’s a great guy.
Liz: I suppose.
Ben: Why?
Damn him. He wasn’t going to be happy unless I admitted I’d want to date him, was he?
Liz: I don’t know. We have something, don’t we?
Please don’t make me define something. Please don’t make me define something.
Ben: But have what? Liz, I adore you, but where does it lead? Are you moving to England anytime soon?
Thank you.
Liz: You know I can’t. I don’t even know anything about teaching there. My life is here.
Ben: Exactly. I’m not moving there either, you know that. I think I’ve become your excuse, babe, and that sucks.
What the hell is he getting at? Is he serious?
Liz: Ben, this isn’t funny.
Ben: I am going to do something crazy. In return, you will do something crazy. Deal?
Liz: That depends on what you’re talking about.
Ben: Always on guard, aren’t you?
Yes.
Liz: With good reason. People with their guards down get hurt.
Ben: They also get lonely. Let your guard down for me, Liz.
I am annoyed that Ben wants me vulnerable. I’ve made it my life’s mission never to be that again. But where has that gotten me? I’m twenty-seven, single, and driving away men who might be interested. Maybe it’s time to trust someone. Might as well be Ben. Grudgingly, I respond.
Liz: Fine. Damn you. You risk, I risk. Now what?
I wait for his response. I mentioned I’m impatient, right? It’s worse when you feel vulnerable and exposed. The phone finally vibrates in my hand.
Ben: Now I block you. My something crazy is letting you go. Your something crazy is calling Matt. Go out with him this weekend. Let your guard down. Open your heart. Give it a chance. If it goes somewhere, be happy — and remember me only occasionally. If it doesn’t, try again. But never give up. Prove for us both that love exists. Goodbye, babe.
Liz: Wait, are you serious?
I tap my foot as I wait. Nothing. I hit him again.
Liz: This is stupid.
Liz: Ben
Liz: Ben?
Liz: BENJAMIN
I jab at his name one more time — and then the screen does the thing it shouldn't do: the message fails to send. A tiny, clean line of red text pops up: Message not delivered.
Un-fucking-believable.
In a panic, I flip open Skype. My cursor hovers over his name, glowing that familiar green. I hit “call” before I can think. For half a second the ring tone starts — then the screen goes gray. “User not available.”
I try again. Same thing.
That’s when I realize he didn’t just mean the text. He meant all of it.
Ben is gone.