Chapter 33
Liz, November 12
“Excuse me.” I flag down the little blonde behind the counter who is texting furiously. “Do you have these in a size 9?” I hold up the black pumps with three-inch heels. She nods and disappears into the back. Honestly, I’ve never worn heels that tall. I’ll probably kill myself in heels that tall. I’m not abnormally short, but Matt is abnormally tall. He stands about a head taller than me, and he’s developed this annoying habit of kissing the top of my head. He makes me feel like a child. I can’t even remember the last time he kissed me somewhere else unless we were in bed. I’m hoping with some heels he won’t be able to reach.
It’s ridiculous, I know. I’m picking at flaws here, and I really shouldn’t do that. Besides playing hockey, which we still do, I feel like I really don’t see him. So why are his flaws bothering me so much in the little time we’re together? He just works so much; you would think I would appreciate him when he’s not at work. But instead I find myself noticing he kisses my head, he clears his throat a lot, and he chews really loudly.
I have decided I need to try harder. I need to focus on the things he does well. Matt holds doors for me, he pays for dinner without hesitation, he is a generous lover, and if we go out he lets me drink and he drives. He also puts up with the fact that I’m socially awkward. Actually, he tried to bring me to more work events, so I could be a part of that life too. We went to a party for Halloween last month. I didn’t know who to talk to; I’m sure I came off strange. I laughed at the wrong spots and didn’t make a very good impression on his boss. The man didn’t appreciate a cup full of Pepsi being dumped on his pant leg, even if it was an accident. Anyway, long story short, we decided it’s best for him to do the work thing alone.
It’s fine, I agreed to it. I don’t like new situations and new people much anyway. But it’s just lonely without anyone. I used to talk to… never mind, I just talked to someone. But now I have no one. My mom and I aren’t close, really. My sister lives in another state. I have no other relatives to speak of. The girls from work are all married with families; I just can’t relate to that. They all want to give me advice and rush me to marriage with Matt. It’s uncomfortable.
I catch myself performing, trying to be the girlfriend he wants, the version of me that won’t annoy or embarrass him. I’m laughing when I should be laughing, smiling when I should be smiling, all carefully measured. It doesn’t feel like me at all. I used to laugh at the wrong spots and care too much about what people thought. Now, I just count the hours until I can be alone again.
So I buy shoes and I hang out alone and I think about what my life has become. Yay me.