Chapter 70
Ben, May 28
Liz looks distracted tonight through my Skype-aided view of her. I know she turned in her resignation letter today, but I’m not entirely sure if that’s what is bothering her. “Did you talk to Amy?” I ask. Amy is a coworker of Liz’s. They’ve made fast friends and I suggested Liz ask Amy to accompany her to childbirth class next week. Amy has kids of her own and always seems perky and helpful when I’ve heard about her or talked with her.
“Yeah, she’s excited. She said she’s glad to be filling in for you.”
“For me?” Didn’t Liz mean filling in for Matt?
“Well, yeah. If you were here wouldn’t you go with me?”
“I guess.” My heartbeat quickens as we tiptoe around the topic. “What about Matt though?”
“What about him?” Her defenses go up instantly. Her face darkens, her shoulders sag, she practically rolls her eyes.
“Won’t he want to be there?” See, I’ve avoided asking about this but I just can’t handle festering secrets between us any longer. I have to find out what Liz plans for the birth in the States. I have to be ready.
“I don’t know. Honestly, if he’s there, fine. But I cannot count on him,” she says.
I try to imagine how I’d want this to go if I were in Matt’s shoes. “Have you asked him to come?”
“What’s the point? He’d declare it’s his number one priority and then he’d work instead.”
Maybe this is the real reason I haven’t asked about Matt, what can I say to ease this obvious pain? “Are you really okay with that?” I ask quietly.
She sighs. “I will be.”
I wait, giving her a few minutes to think. “Do you ever wish it worked out differently?”
“How so?”
“Do you ever wish that Matt cared more?” Whether I mean about Liz or about Emma, I’m not sure.
“Ben, listen carefully. I do not need anything from Matt. I do not want anything from Matt. I am so happy with how this is working out.” She sounds as genuine as the smile I’m wearing. She deftly flips the inquisition table and turns me into the victim. “Why do you ask?”
“You seem like something is bothering you.”
“What happens when I get to England?” she blurts.
I’m taken aback by the sudden shift, but recover quickly. “We get an apartment. If you want a job, we find you one. The three of us live happily ever after.”
“Is that what you want or did I somehow pressure you into this?” Her eyes are fixed on where my face appears on her screen.
“Babe, where the hell is this coming from?” I ask, equal parts shocked and stung by her intensity. What reason have I ever given her to doubt me? I mean, recently.
“Just… this is a long way to move. I need you to be sure.” She practically whispers and drops her gaze to her hands.
“Liz, I love you.” The words escape before I can stop them. Her eyes return to the screen; she blinks in surprise at the confession. For a second I consider taking them back, but they’re true. They have always been true.
“That’s the first time you’ve said that,” she whispers.
“Not the first time I’ve thought it.”
“I love you, too,” she says.
The words lift me in a way I didn’t expect. I don’t think I’ll ever get this smile off my face.
There’s a small silence after that, the kind that hums with all the things you don’t need to speak. I let it sit with us for a moment, just breathing in the fact that we said it out loud, across five thousand miles.
Then she laughs softly, a little embarrassed, and the moment burrows in. “We’ll figure it out,” she promises.
“We will.”
We close the call minutes later, but the warmth lingers. I sit for a while, watching the blank screen, and plan in my head the tiny decisions that will make all of this possible. I am terrified and thrilled in equal measure. And for the first time in a long time, the future feels like something I can reach for.