Chapter 71
Liz, May 28
“What happens when I get to England?” After the words fall out of my mouth without permission, I feel like a singer who’s forgotten the lyrics on stage. Panic starts to creep in, but I don’t regret asking. I need Ben to tell me what he honestly expects of me.
He rambles off a list of innocent, important family things: an apartment, dinners, weekends, a crib in the corner. Simple stuff that somehow feels huge when it’s about my life. “Is that what you want or did I somehow pressure you into this?” I ask, thinking of Matt and all the signs I missed that he wasn’t really present.
“Babe, where the hell is this coming from?” Ben’s sudden anger catches me off guard, and, embarrassingly, it excites me. You only get angry if you care, right?
“Just…” I chicken out on explaining how my principal planted doubts in my head. Instead I say, timid, “…this is a long way to move. I need you to be sure.” I glance nervously down at my hands.
“Liz, I love you.” His voice, serious and steady, snaps my eyes back to the screen, searching for him.
“That’s the first time you’ve said that.” Stupid Liz. Why didn’t I say it back sooner? I try to name what I feel. Is it love? I picture a life without Ben and feel cold.
“Not the first time I’ve thought it,” he says.
I grin, suddenly certain. “I love you, too.”