22. Declan
Ifelt like we were on an unstoppable train, and none of us were in the conductor’s seat. Lex and her team had come through at every turn, but I still found myself resisting their help. The responsibility for our business always ultimately fell to me, and the worry over the wrong steps I’d made in the past–and the ones I was sure to make in the future–chafed. I was on edge. I refuse to be the reason we crash and burn. Again.
“Feeling ready?”
I clench my notecards tighter and frown at Lex, annoyed at her interruption. I’m in Lex’s office, leaning up against the wall by the bar cart, fifteen minutes before my interview with the Bayview Bulletin’s reporter.
“I’ll be ready if I can review all this in time,” I grouse, waving the cards. I’m harsher than I intend to be, nerves flaring.
Her cool expression isn’t a surprise as I turn my attention back to the notecards. Doing my best to ignore her presence, I attempt to read the bullet points I’d written. For the third time. But my brain won’t focus on the words, my mind tripping over the guilt and trepidation that always rise when I let myself feel an ounce of hope. It’s like my handwriting is skittering on the page, each sentence a jumble of nonsense characters.
As I’m about to turn the card over, Lex’s hand moves into my field of vision and covers my notes.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Declan, you don’t need notes.”
Her voice is firm, but gentle. Placating, almost. I hate it. Hate the suggestion that she has to be the stronger one, the one in the position to comfort and guide me. I’m the strong one, goddamnit. It should be me reassuring her.
“I think I can decide for myself what I do or don’t need.”
If Shane was here, I know he’d tell me to stop acting like a toddler. Linc would roll his eyes and distract Lex, something he’s grown proficient at over the last few weeks.
Something fierce flashes in Lex’s light green eyes before she closes them briefly and takes a deep breath.
“You don’t need them. You know Solum inside and out, not only the spirit of what you’re going to accomplish, but the science of why and how. We’ve gone over your talking points, even role-played the questions. The words as you’ve written them don’t matter,” she presses.
Swallowing roughly, I turn away, my body tight. She’s dangerously close to seeing right through me, and I’m far from ready to be that vulnerable. With her more than anyone.
“Easy for you to say,” I toss over my shoulder. “This kind of thing is second nature to you, I’m sure.”
She ignores my attempt at deflection. “Speak from the heart, Declan. Tell the story only you can, with the conviction only you have. Smile. Laugh. Be self-deprecating, if that makes you feel more comfortable. But most of all, be honest and let your integrity shine through. Be you.”
Rounding on her, my lips purse. She stands a few feet away, hands in the pockets of her high-waisted trousers, relaxed and confident. Dressed head-to-toe in deep green, her eyes are almost inhumanly vibrant. So poised, so graceful. My body reacts, swaying toward her, caught in her pull. Always trapped by her gravity.
I don’t know if I’m angrier that she manages to be so calm, or that I feel so utterly out of control whenever I’m in her presence. Get it together, Dec.
“Following my heart sounds like questionable advice,” I grit out.
“Does it?”
“Without a doubt. Following my heart got us into this mess in the first place.”
She looks at me thoughtfully. “You could look at it that way, I suppose.”
Tension gathers in the silence between us. She’s so fucking good at letting silence speak for her, letting the thoughts and anxieties of the people across from her build until they can’t be contained. I’ve attempted to wait her out multiple times over the last eight weeks. I’ve yet to succeed.
“You have another perspective, I take it?” I thrust a hand toward her in invitation. “Let’s hear it, then.”
“Following your heart brought you, Shane, and Lincoln together. It forged the bonds between you and gave you all purpose. Do you know how rare it is to have close relationships like that as an adult? How hard it is to find loyalty–true, unshakable loyalty that you never have to question?” Her lips quirk into a small smile. “It’d be so easy to say you’re lucky, but that’s not it at all. Your heart inspired and drove you to build more than a business.”
My chest feels tight as I stare at her, my knuckles going white as I grip the index cards. She has no right to see me–see us–so clearly. No one has ever described me as an open book, but Lex fucking Livingston reads me like a grade school primer. I desperately want to hate her for how it makes me feel. But no matter how exposed and raw I feel, I’m still drawn to her. How fucking easy would it be to give in?
“Declan, your vision, your business…it wouldn’t have survived the last year without your heart at the center. You let someone in who didn’t deserve it, once, and she did her best to take you down.” Lex shrugs, taking a step back toward the door. “You haven’t let her succeed yet. Hold that line. Show her you’re unyielding, and you’re still following your heart. Show her she hasn’t fucking broken you or your business. Show the Bay what success looks like for Declan Wilde.”
She waves a hand at the index cards as she reaches the door, looking up at me with a smirk. “Toss them.”
Shane steps into the room as she sweeps out, their eyes locking briefly. The searing look of want that passes between them is staggering, and my jaw clenches. I can’t reconcile the emotions raging through me in response to her little speech with the ugly feeling rising in my gut as I witness…whatever that is. Heartburn. It’s just fucking heartburn.
“She’s right,” Shane says as he closes the door.
“Of course you were listening.”
“You don’t deserve a pep talk from her after the shit you’ve put her through, but she gave it anyway.”
“Please. I’m not that bad.”
His silence is damning.
“What, you want me to give her a medal?” I grumble, crossing my arms.
He knocks his shoulder into mine, moving to stand next to me as I stare out the expansive windows.
“Listen to her, Dec. Believe her. That’ll be the best reward.”
I glance at him, hating that I have to look up to meet his eyes. He only has two inches on me, but they fucking count when I feel small.
“Seriously, how are you both so calm?”
“I’m not the one in the hot seat today,” he deadpans.
“Fair.” I look back out the window. “Your secondary anxiety would take a load off, though.”
“Careful, Dec. I might interpret that as you asking for help.”
As I turn to roll my eyes at him, he slaps my shoulder.
“I know, I know,” he chuckles, “it’ll be a cold day in hell when you get your head out of your ass long enough to realize it’s not a four-letter word.”
“What’s not?” My brows draw together.
“Help.”
Sighing, I drop my head back and look to the ceiling. “I don’t need help, I just–”
“Need a pep talk about how strong you are from a smart, beautiful woman you pretend to hate?”
“Fuck you, Shane,” I growl, his words hitting so damn close to home. I don’t hate her. Far from it.
“Nah, I’ve got better prospects at the moment. Thanks, though.”
I can’t remember the last time he was so…flippant. So carefree. We’ve carried the weight of the world on our shoulders for months, but something is changing for him. And for Linc. Like the longer we work with Lex, the lighter they both get, despite our looming deadlines and uncertain future. I want that. I want…her.
Before I can be seduced by my errant thoughts, or the fact I haven’t felt carefree in fucking years, I look back at my index cards. Huffing, I chuck them in the bin. There’s no way in hell I’m backing down from her challenge.
Shane turns and heads for the door. “You’ve got this.”
“Of fucking course I do.”
I brush past him, heading for the conference room Lex’s assistant booked for my interview. Shane’s bemused chuckle follows me down the hall.
“So?” Lex leans against the conference room doorway, arms crossed. “How do you feel?”
She escorted Cass out a few minutes ago, and the guys went to check in with Parker. The only one remaining, I’d taken a moment to gather my thoughts. Lex caught me staring out the window, my gaze unfocused.
I open my mouth to bite out a pithy reply, then stop myself. Shane’s words from earlier echo in my head.
Clearing my throat, I opt for the honest answer. “Relieved it’s over.”
Her eyes widen almost imperceptibly, and she straightens. “Was it that bad?”
Huffing a laugh, I shake my head. “No, it couldn’t have gone better. Earlier, though…”
“Ah.” She smiles as my voice trails off. “Regretting the attitude?”
“What attitude?” I tease, my lips twitching.
Her laugh is so quick and airy, I could get high on it. “Right, of course. You’ve reached your self-awareness quota for the day, I take it.”
“Pardon me, but I’m very self-aware. Not sure what you’re implying.”
Those seafoam eyes sparkle as she taps her chin and moves toward me. “You know, you might be charming. If you weren’t so completely insufferable.”
I step closer, drawn to her like a moth to a flame and meet her in the middle of the room. “Do you always insult your clients?”
“Only the ones who deserve it.” She’s inches away, the curve of her neck enticing as she looks up at me.
The air thickens between us, and I fight to draw my eyes from her mouth. I’m a compass, and she’s true north. I’d never admit it, but I can feel her presence in any room, know when she’s close or too goddamn far. It’s a constant battle to keep my distance, keep it professional, respect her boundaries…and I’m fucking tired of fighting.
“Do I deserve it?” I rasp, drowning in her citrus and floral scent.
Her smirk softens as her pupils dilate, her gaze dropping to my lips. I’m grateful, because it means I can look my fill without her realizing my gaze is anything but platonic.
“You deserve everything, Declan,” she murmurs.
Maybe it’s her earnestness or the way we’re both leaning toward each other like our bodies are magnets. Maybe it’s the high of the interview and the adrenaline still rushing through me. Maybe it’s fucking Mercury in retrograde. I don’t know what to blame, but I lose all sense in the moment.
“I’ll never deserve you,” I growl, reaching up to cup her cheek and thread my fingers into her short hair. “But, fucking hell, do I want to.”
Ignoring the alarm bells ringing in my ears and hammering in my chest, I tighten my grip on her and pull us together, capturing her mouth in mine. She whimpers in surprise, stiff for a split second, then melts against me as she opens up and gives herself over. My head swims at how readily she succumbs, how pliant this fierce, fiery woman becomes at my touch. Holy fuck, I want so much more.
The thought is like a bucket of ice water. I have no business wanting more from her, not after everything I’ve put her through, everything she’s done for us. Us. Shit, what the hell am I doing?! I tear myself away and step back, chest heaving. Lex blinks at me in confusion, her fingers flying to her lips.
“Fuck, Lex, I’m sorry.” I run my hand through my hair, turning toward the windows. “Shit. I had no right.”
“Declan…” her voice has never been small or tentative, and it kills me that I’m the reason she sounds like both now.
I may not have heard them directly from the source, but I’m aware of her rules. Kissing her in a glass-walled conference room in her place of business is a clear violation. And doing it without a conversation about what we both want violates mine.
“I’m a fucking idiot,” I snarl, body tight as I glare out the window.
She steps closer, and I can feel her energy calling to mine even with my back turned.
“You are not,” she admonishes, voice still softer than it should be.
“I am.” I turn to face her. “That was a fucking mistake.”
She freezes, leaning away as her cheeks darken. “Excuse me?”
Her eyes are hard, glinting as she stares at me, and I hate that all I want to do is grip her hair, yank her head back, and consume her completely. Now that I’ve tasted her, I can’t think of anything else. My fingers twitch against my thigh, and she tracks the movement. Her gaze narrows.
“I have to go,” I bite out, moving to brush past her and escape the room before I do something even more idiotic. Like lock us both in and ravish her against the door.
“Sure, of course,” she says, her caustic tone stopping me in my tracks. “Go on, Declan. Run away.”
My spine stiffens. She’s behind me, but I feel her energy shift. The temperature in the room drops, but I don’t turn.
“It’s a fucking shame.” Her voice could cut glass, it’s so sharp.
“What is?” I don’t know why I’m entertaining this when I know it won’t go well. Maybe I’m desperate enough for a part of her that I’ll settle for her rage over nothing.
“That you’re a coward.”
My head drops, fingers clenching as I gaze at the floor. “Am I?”
She’s silent for a beat. “I didn’t think you were, Declan, but what else would you call this? Turn around and face me.”
“I can’t.”
She scoffs. “Can’t, or won’t?”
“Does it matter?” I mutter, heart slamming against my ribs.
I want to face her, want to turn around and challenge her until we’re both vibrating in tension and can’t keep our hands off each other. My eyes pinch closed as I imagine slamming her against the wall and burying myself in her. Not happening, Wilde. Get it the fuck together.
“It fucking does to me.” Her voice is low, controlled. Cold. “You’re brilliant, cunning, fucking strategic and talented as hell. You have more potential than most of the people we invest in, if you’d only be willing to reach out and take what you want. Whatever you want.”
I can’t listen to this. If I do, I’m going to make another mistake. I’ll do something else to jeopardize more than just our professional relationship. Shane and Linc’s faces loom in my mind’s eye and guilt flares.
“See you next week, Lex,” I say, resisting the urge to glance over my shoulder as I stride for the door.
Before she can reply, Linc and Shane appear before me. Their eyes flit back and forth between my hard expression and Lex’s face behind me. They both freeze, Linc’s brows furrowing as Shane’s smile flattens.
“Everything okay here?” Linc asks.
“I’m fine,” I snap. Fucking idiot, go on and make it worse.
“Dec–” Shane starts.
“Let him go,” Lex interrupts. “We’re done here.”
I ignore the confusion on their faces as I take the out she offers. Pausing at the door, I can’t resist a final glance at her face. I regret it immediately, heart plummeting at the sight of her closed expression. She’s put her walls right back up between us, and I’m to blame.
Swallowing my pride, I give her a pleading look. “Lex, thank you for…everything. Today would’ve been a disaster without you.”
Her nostrils flare as she breathes sharply. “It wouldn’t have happened without me in the first place, Declan.”
The ghost of a smile traces over my lips. God, I love her fire. “True enough.”
The guys are looking between us in concern, Shane’s mouth pulling into a frown. Leaving Lex to share what she will, I turn and head for the lobby to wait for Shane and Linc. If I linger any longer, I’m only going to make things worse.
A cold stone settles in the pit of my stomach as I walk away. From the beginning, I predicted Lex would tear us apart from the inside out. I was convinced nothing good could come of letting another outsider into Solum, into our lives. But today proved she isn’t the one to blame. A chasm is opening between me and the two most important people in my life, and I don’t know how to close it. I’m fucking it all up.
Getting closer to Lex, letting her in? I can only see it leading to heartbreak. She will only be with us through the Summit, anyway. If keeping her at arm’s length is how I keep us all together, so be it.