Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Josue
“I'd offer you something, but the amenities aren't as plentiful as a luxury duplex,” Sierra stepped aside, inviting me in.
Casing the place, she could have done better, but it was smart that she was saving her money.
A lot of fighters spent it like they had their next job lined up. “So, why are you here?”
“Sierra, Are you serious? You wanna know why I'm fucking here—because I'm your fucking trainer, that's why,” he argued, as I lowered my bottom to the arm of a cheap couch in the room. “And making me have to go out and look for you works my last damn nerve.”
“Josue, given our last conversation, I wasn't sure you even wanted to train me.”
“Why, because I was fucking mad?” I fumed.
“The impression you gave me, was that all your reservations about training women had come true. I'm a woman, I can predict a sinking ship when I see it.”
“Well, since you got that women's intuition, how come you weren’t upfront with me about having a kid?”
“Because it was none of your business.”
“It's none of my business, but if you had made it my fucking business, I could have controlled your narrative. What did I say? No fucking secrets—”
“Josue, I lost my kid. I needed money and work, and all these things I didn't have.
I figured if anyone would have understood that, it would be you.
Someone who grew up like me. Someone who had to fight for literally everything, only amplified by three, because I'm also Black, a woman, and I'm a single mom.”
“Sierra, you don't think I know it's fucking harder for you?
I negotiate your deals, I know it's fucking harder.
Because I'm the one who got to deal with the assholes trying to lowball your pay, set you up with fights that are beneath you, or deal with the slimeballs trying to negotiate chances to fuck you—I know!
This is why I asked you not to lie to me. Because when you lie, I can't protect you from the things that happen afterwards. Controlling the narrative means having the first say. Now your story is in the mouths of other people, and no one should ever be able to tell your story but you.”
“What was I supposed to say? That I'm a struggling mom who lost custody of her daughter?”
“I don't know, but it's better than what they’re saying about you now.
I could have spun this to your advantage.
So yes, in that moment when I'm finding out after everyone else that you've got a kid, the things I said in that moment, I had a right to be mad at you.
If you want me to say I could have handled it better, I'll say that, but next time don't fucking lie to me.”
“Would you have agreed to train me from the start if you knew I had baggage?”
“Well, you didn't give me a chance to decide for myself, mama. So, at this point, we’ll never know.”
“You just don't get it.”
“What, Sierra? What don't I get?”
“Everything that I do, I'm held accountable for.
Every mistake I make. Every ounce of grace I'm never given, all hit harder because I'm not a man.
If I were a single dad, no one would think twice about me fighting.
But just because I have a kid, people, society, even my ex's family holds me more accountable than they’ll ever hold him.
I'm surviving in a world that was never carved for me. If that meant taking any advantage I could, I was going to reach for it. I literally had nothing to lose coming to Jersey. But I came here because I knew you could make me unforgettable.”
“But you just said we were a sinking ship.
How do you think that makes me feel? I'm busting my ass for you!
Advocating for you. If I can't count on you to be straight with me, why should I trust you?
This dynamic's fucking new for me. I'm learning through trial and error how to navigate everything, and you didn't even trust me.”
“Josue, I don't see us as a sinking ship.
I just wanted somebody to see me different.
Believe it or not, I value your opinion.
I don't think my self-esteem would have recovered if you saw me as damaged goods who couldn't keep her legs closed. I just wanted you to see me in a way no one else saw me,” she bewailed, promptly breaking into tears.
“Medina—Medina, are you going to stop crying or what?” I asked, annoyed, but didn’t tell her to stop because she needed to get this all out. “Come here,” I held out my arms. “Ven aca*,” I consoled.
“Sierra, I see you the way they see you in that cage.
I've had the pleasure of seeing you in a way I shouldn't have allowed myself to, but I see you.
I see you. Now stop with the waterworks.
My opinion don't hold that much,” I chastised, running my fingers along her locs, as I kissed the top of her forehead.
“But it does matter. I don't care what other people are saying. I only care what you think.”
“Mami, that's good in theory, but you gotta let me help you when stuff like this happens.
One of my frustrations training you, is the outside static that don't got shit to do with fighting.
I didn't deal with shit like this in my prime, but mama, you have to make them like you.
And you're good at making people like you, because you're so damn cute.
You won me over. But whatever I don't know, that they know, could hurt you.”
“I wasn't lying at first,” Sierra admitted, sitting on the bed as she dried off her cheeks.
“I don't have legal custody of my daughter, but she's with family, so we could stay out the courts.
I figured if I won enough fights, I could afford to give her more, and it'd be like I never hid it.
I wasn't trying to hide my daughter. It's just I don't have the ideal situation to care for her, and you've been so vocal about your preference of not having kids, it didn't seem helpful or useful to bring her up in casual conversation.”
“Sierra, I don't have kids because I'm fucked up! You think I want to bring kids into this world after what I’ve been through?
You don't have to tell me the world doesn't give you a break because my own mother didn't catch a break.
Even in death. You know how many families I got bounced around in?
Having to listen to bullshit about what kind of woman she was?
Why she didn't leave earlier? Probably didn't please her husband, and whether it was what made him snap?
That she was fucking weak… The criticism never stopped.
She couldn't even rest six feet under the ground without a stranger blaming her for what my father did.
And it's not fair because maybe my life would look different had it not have happened.
But choices I make for myself have nothing to do with everyone else.
People have kids, that's not the end of the world.
A lot of people are raised by single mothers, it's an angle we could have worked with.”
“You're still willing to help me?” she whimpered.
“Why do you think I've been arguing with you for the past half hour in this seedy motel for?
Of course, I'm helping you. You're my fighter.
You've got heart. You have the brains. You've got talent, but what you don't got, is how to spot fucking vultures.
Forget your situation for a minute. Look at what you're not seeing. Vega and me got unfinished business according to him. He’s never accepted that I never wanted to take him on that rematch, so he's baiting you.
After I healed up, he called me out, and took it personally when I didn't respond.
But you're young. You're driven. You're on a streak.
All he had to do was find a little information on you, and you were ready to call his bluff.
If you want to fight DaCosta, you've got to be smart.
Not only do you have to win the crowd you've earned back.
You have to convince your haters to love you too.
I won't agree to anything until I think you're ready, but I'm in it for the long run.
Medina, you haven't gotten rid of me yet. Now get your bags…we're going home.”
* Come here