Chapter 21
CHAPTER 21
ESME
“So how does it work?” I asked after we’d again taken our seats in the living room, oblivious to what the men had been talking about before then.
Trent gave me a searching look. “How does what work?”
I gestured toward the room we’d come from. “You know this is new for me. I’m trying to work out the difference between what I’ve read online and what I see here. I know, I know!” I held up my hands before either could say what I knew was going to be said. “Every relationship is different.”
Trent grinned at me. “You’re learning.”
My humorless chuckle was enough to have them laughing. When they sobered, I looked at them both, trying to figure out how to sort the thoughts in my head. “You’re their Daddies. I know that. They all need something different, I know that. It’s so normal for you all and so foreign to me. I just can’t figure it all out. And—” I glanced to the side, indicating where the guys —boys —were still eating their snacks. “I want it too. I was pretty sure I wanted it before tonight, but now I know.”
Trent clasped his hands together and began to laugh. “We’ve corrupted another one.”
“And how many have you corrupted before me?” And should I be worried?
The sound that came from Canyon couldn’t even be called a laugh. It was more like a wicked cackle. “Remember how we said there were a few couples who couldn’t make it tonight?” At my nod, Canyon continued. “It really started with them and one by one, we figured out we were Daddies in some form or another.”
I found myself smiling at his answer. “So, is it contagious? Or just some sort of rite of passage with you all?”
“Might be both,” Trent said dryly, causing Canyon to laugh again.
“It’s really not much different than you see tonight,” Trent finally said, the laughter all but gone from his voice and his face showing how serious he was about his words. “For my guys, Logan’s a pup and middle. What side comes out sort of depends on his mood. I’m sometimes throwing a ball for a hyper pup and other times enforcing bedtime for a stubborn middle. Aiden’s a little. Diapers, bottles, baths, they’re all normal for us. The biggest thing I’ve learned is little and middle time are fluid for both of them. And sometimes I have to switch between boyfriend and Daddy in the same sentence.
“As a middle, ninety-nine percent of the time Logan is a stubborn, obstinate teenager who likes to push boundaries and limits. The other one percent is a crapshoot at best. Sometimes, he acts a bit younger than a teenager and wants cartoons and his favorite stuffed puppy and a cuddle—though usually cuddle time is reserved for Aiden. Other times, he reminds me of a frustrated college student and all he wants is angry music, his headphones, and video games until I force him to bed. I just have to be ready for whatever he throws my way.
“Aiden is more predictable, but even he has times where he throws me for a loop and doesn’t want to be diapered or to play with his toys but wants to play with Logan instead.”
That sounded complicated, yet Trent made it sound easy, if not normal.
Canyon shook his head, a fond smile on his face. “Trent’s right. It’s fluid. It’s what they need at the time. Though rare, even Larson has nights where he’s more middle than little. Those are the nights he wants to make popcorn and watch a movie instead of play with his toys or read bedtime stories.”
I needed answers and I didn’t know how it ’ s fluid was going to help me. It certainly didn't feel helpful when I didn’t fully understand Jake’s little side.
“We’ve overwhelmed you,” Trent said knowingly.
I nodded slowly. “Yeah. I’ve never been a Daddy, at least not to anything that’s not an overgrown rodent.” I shrugged when words failed me.
Canyon squeezed my shoulder. “It’s not that bad, honestly. You’ll need to talk with him. Be honest with him. If something he tells you he likes is an absolute hard limit, you need to tell him that.”
At my blank expression, Trent grinned at me. “Something you will not or could not consider doing or enjoying.”
“Oh.” That still sounded difficult… and there was still the other issue hanging over our heads. “What about the fact I’ve not only never been in any sort of power exchange relationship but I’ve never actually dated a guy?”
Trent bit his lip. “The first part isn’t so bad. We know a couple who have made it work just fine. That last part, I think, is the biggest hiccup. I mean, we know you’ve been with men before. Full disclosure, I’ve seen your dick.”
My mouth hung open in shock. “Wh-what?”
“What?” Canyon said, though he was much more intrigued than mortified.
Trent didn’t look the least bit uncomfortable as he spoke. “Logan was on the phone with Jake while Jake was looking for a hookup in Knoxville.”
How red can my face possibly turn? “So that means you’ve seen my dick?”
Trent lifted his shoulder. “If the pic on your profile is your dick, I’ve seen it. So have Logan and Aiden.”
“Is it possible to die of embarrassment?”
“I can say with certainty you have nothing to be embarrassed about.”
Yeah, that only serves to make me more embarrassed.
Trent laughed at my discomfort, while Canyon cackled too hard to say anything intelligible. Though I was pretty sure I heard him gasp amazing and seriously as he laughed.
Canyon finally pulled himself together enough to speak. “This is the most amazing admission I’ve ever heard. Somehow very fitting for our group of friends.”
I really didn’t know if his words made me feel better or worse.
Trent rolled his eyes at his friend then brought the conversation back to my original concern. “With that out of the way, we know you’ve hooked up with guys before. There’s not much difference between relationships with men and relationships with women, other than the sex part. At least from what Logan’s said. I’ve never been with a woman. And from what Jake said when he got home from Knoxville, you’ve got the sex part figured out.”
“Where are the death comets when you need them?” I asked the room.
The question sent them into another round of laughter.
Finally, Canyon gasped and wiped away a few stray tears before placing his hand on my thigh. “If you think this is bad, you’ve seen nothing. When you eventually meet our other friends, you’ll quickly learn the group knows no boundaries and anything they think, experience, or want will be shared.”
“That might have been important information to share with me before now.” I wasn’t mad, just still embarrassed, and I was pretty sure they both knew it. I’d never talked about my sex life with friends. It had been too dangerous when I was closeted and didn’t have friends outside of professional sports. Most of my hookups worth mentioning had been with men, so everything about them had stayed strictly in my head.
“Trial by fire is a far better way to go. Throw ya in the deep end and you’ll either sink or swim,” Trent said with a smile.
I sighed. “Well, I’m still here. Does that mean I’m swimming?”
Trent hummed. “I think it does. And that means the question is still valid. Are you concerned about the Daddy-boy thing? Or the relationship thing? Or something else altogether?”
“Honestly?” I thought hard about his question before I responded. “I think it’s just the unknown. Never being a Dom in any sense is definitely high on the list. There’s also the part where I have no idea what I’m doing or how to be a Daddy.”
My admission was met with understanding hums and nods as they sobered up from their earlier laughter.
Canyon cleared his throat and I turned my attention his way. Sometimes it isn’t something we choose. It chooses us. There are bumps along the way for sure, but it gets better and smoother and things have a way of working out if they’re meant to be.”
They fell silent, giving me plenty of time to think about what he’d said. It made sense, in as much as it could. I had been interested in him from the minute he’d messaged me over the summer. We’d had incredible chemistry in bed, and I was drawn to him whenever he was around. Did those things mean I would be a good Daddy for him?
I didn’t know and it bothered me.
Aiden broke the silence with a yawn as he poked his head around the corner. “Daddy, I’m tired.”
Trent smiled. “I figured that was coming. Go clean up your toys and we’ll be there in a few minutes to help you all get ready for bed.”
“Story?” Aiden asked, blinking sleepy eyes at his Daddy.
Trent tapped a small pile of books on the coffee table. “I brought a couple for you guys.”
The news had Aiden perking up. “Yay!” He turned and hurried toward the play area and we heard his voice echo. “Daddy brought bedtime stories!”
Just like snack time, we made our way from the living room to the kitchen as a group. Unlike snack time, we didn’t stop until we’d made it to the cozy toy area on the far side. A giant plush rug and soft furniture filled the space, and bookshelves full of toys and books on either side of a cozy fireplace made the area a place I could imagine spending hours reading or snuggling with Jake. I could understand why the boys liked playing here so much. Of course, they were no longer playing but cleaning up their toys, with Logan pointing to missed toys and helping to put a few of the bigger ones away for them.
As I watched them work and looked around at how the space was arranged, I wondered if there was a place in my new house for a similar space. My mind landed on the oversized den in the back of the house. I’d been planning to make it a home office for myself since I didn’t have another use for it. The windows allowed for ample natural lighting, and it looked out on the secluded backyard and pond where I imagined a play area for Chloe. Now I was envisioning the space with soft carpet, plush couches and chairs, shelves filled with Jake’s favorite toys, and of course, Jake himself.
Mental red flags should have been waving as I designed a room in a house I hadn’t yet closed on for a man I wasn’t sure I was dating. But the flags weren’t raised, much less waving. Even when I tried to convince myself I was moving too fast and I needed to apply the brakes, the flags never came.
This felt right. All of it.
An hour earlier with all the talking and giggling, the boys had left their comfort items and pacifiers unused. With bedtime approaching and heavy eyelids struggling to stay open, Larson had his thumb in his mouth and Aiden and Jake each had a pacifier between their lips as they fought yawns.
Eventually, Canyon decided the room was clean enough. “I think you boys got it all. Go get PJs on.”
Trent held out his hands and Logan and Aiden readily accepted them, happy to be guided to a private space somewhere in the house. Jake waited until they were gone before he headed over to Canyon and let his pacifier fall from his lips in order to whisper into his ear.
I was curious when the whispered words turned into a conversation between the two of them. After a few back-and-forths I couldn’t hear, Jake bit his lip and nodded. His cheeks were flushed before he ever looked my way and his knuckles were white around his elephant. Despite having looked at me, Jake surprised me when he directed a question my way. “Will you help me get ready for bed?” I didn’t know how, but his cheeks turned redder and his knuckles went whiter.
The question startled me so much, I forgot it was directed at me until Canyon narrowed his eyes in my direction and took a step toward Jake as though he was ready to protect him from me. The action snapped my brain back into gear.
“I’d love to.” Surprising myself with my answer, I played the words back and smiled when I realized I’d meant them sincerely. The tug toward Jake that had been growing since summer had kept growing. In the last three days, it had become an inexplicable pull. And in the last few hours, I’d gone from confused and overwhelmed to… well, still confused and overwhelmed but also determined to see where things led.
The one thing I knew for sure was neither of us was getting into anything alone. There was a gaggle of men behind Jake, and for some reason I suspected they were behind me too. They would be there to help with the bumps and the awkwardness bound to come our way, if for no other reason than they’d been there too, in some form or another, in their own relationships.
That alone gave me the confidence I needed to take the first step.
Or maybe it was the second, because I was pretty sure Jake being brave enough to ask me to help him get ready for bed was the first.
I held out my hand, waiting for Jake to take it. When he wrapped his fingers around my palm, warmth spread through my hand, up my arm, and into my chest. I’d always thought the zing of electricity at a touch was metaphorical, a way to explain a feeling that lacked an explanation. However, I felt it when Jake took my hand. It was breathtaking, scary, and oh-so-right.
“Lead the way,” I managed to say, though my voice sounded breathy and far away thanks to the blood rushing in my ears.
Jake pointed to a backpack by the wall, shot Canyon another glance, then began to lead us through the house.