Chapter 7 #2
Starshine? She's such a silver-tongued liar. I like it though. I like her. It's a no-brainer to say yes when I'm starting to think I might give one of my limbs for a night alone with her.
Gillian: There's also the fact that it's the longest night of the year. Which means we can maximize our time in bed together if we celebrate it together ;)
My Dragon: It's a date, then. The sun doesn't hold a candle to your radiance, treasure.
Wow. I'm too flustered by the over-the-top flattery to reply right away so I'm standing frozen on the bottom step, staring at my phone, when Trudy loses patience with waiting for me to come to her. She flings open the door to the basement.
I startle, almost dropping my phone. It takes all of my focus to will away my octopus side enough to hide the pink tinge of pleasure from betraying my thoughts when I glance up at her like she caught me with my suckers in the sweets again.
"Oh! You're awake afterall." Trudy takes a startled step back when she sees me, and the tinge of greenish-gold chromatophores around her eyes confirm the surprise isn't feigned.
"I was just coming to check on you. Everything alright?
" Trudy asks, genuine concern in her tone and the shift of her colors before she wills them away.
Finishing my chat with Winny will have to wait, I'm not discussing sex plans with my maybe sort of could be girlfriend in front of my nosy overbearing sister.
I tuck my phone back into my pocket as I walk upstairs to join Trudy in the kitchen.
Hopefully Winny won't overthink my sudden lack of replies.
"Um, yeah. Sorry. I overslept after all the...uh...everything." I gesture vaguely, unsure how to encapsulate all of the fear and worry for Marina and the wedge it shoved between the two of us without stepping in lionfish venom. "How's Marina this morning?"
"She's fine, wouldn't know she had so much as a scrape yesterday from seeing her this morning." Trudy swallows hard. She runs a hand through her hair to channel that inner need for reassurance I recognize must come from her octopus side.
That tiny tell that she isn't perfectly in control of her emotions does the trick, shattering the mental image I've had of her since she swooped in to protect me when our mom told me that I was on my own after high school.
I want to go to her, hug away the lingering worries and fear playing over her face, but I'm still not sure where we stand after yesterday.
"Are you okay?" I ask, the realization that she isn't as unshakably strong as I've always believed recasts yesterday's harsh words in a new light. Trudy doesn't hate me. She was terrified and lashing out over a threat to her kid.
"I…no. I'm really not, Gilly." Trudy takes a shaky breath.
The lost look in her eyes is what makes it sink in that my sister is just as mortal as anyone else. Which is fodder for a whole different kind of existential crisis. Later. For now, it’s my turn to be the strong one for True.
Step one to feeling like herself again is coffee. I cross the room to start a fresh pot since I don’t smell any brewing but she’s got the carafe filled with water and clean travel mugs lined up next to the machine like she got distracted partway through making some.
“That’s alright, you’ll be okay again eventually. And until then, Linc and I have your back,” I say. It might be stating the obvious, but she looks so forlorn, I have to say something to break the silence as I finish brewing the coffee.
“Yeah, uh, thanks. Guess we should get to work,” Trudy says with no inflection as she grabs a couple of frozen breakfast sandwiches that she throws in the microwave to reheat for us to eat.
“There, that will be ready in a minute. Do you want to talk about it?” I ask as I turn to face her.
Trudy leans against the counter and shakes her head, arms crossed over her chest like she can physically hold herself together.
Even then, I don’t expect my stoic sister to take me up on talking about her emotions, so I'm floored as her shoulders hitch as she tries to hold back a sob and her face crumbles as she nods once.
“I should have been there,” Trudy wails.
My stronger than marble sister bursts into tears. I've never seen her cry like this before, deep wracking sobs, but I don't give it a second thought as I launch myself across the kitchen on all eight limbs to enfold her in a hug.
"I know you’d have been there if you knew.
We were all scared, True. Let it out." I don’t know if it’s the right words for her, but I’ve held each of her children through similar emotional storms and I’m pretty sure it’s the being there that matters.
So I hold True close and murmur reassurances into her hair, letting her cry out the grief and fear and guilt.
She says more, most of it unintelligible through her tears as she sobs onto my shoulder.
She's been strong for me so many times over the years, it's surreal to be the one she cries to now.
Surreal, but also healing. It feels like a balm over the wounds from yesterday.
Like she sees me as more than another burden or my worst moment, when I let Marina swim just out of my reach and into danger.
"My baby could have died and I wasn't there. I should have been there.” Trudy sniffles as her tears start to slow. Those are the first words I’ve been able to make sense of since she fell apart. I guess there’s enough self-recrimination to go around.
“You couldn’t have known, it was an accident, it all happened so fast, True. But she’s safe now. That’s what matters.”
“She’s safe,” Trudy echoes. Her sniffles dry up and she pulls out of my arms to swipe self-consciously at her tear-streaked face.
"Sorry for snotting all over you," Trudy mumbles sheepishly. Her cheeks are spangled with embarrassed citrine.
"A little mucus never hurt an octopus," I say dryly, using her own oft-repeated words against her. Trudy snorts. I reach over to the counter to grab a tissue for her. Trudy takes it and dabs at her face.
"And I'm sorry I was an asshole to you. It was an accident. Linc and I talked last night and I read over all the messages again. I completely overreacted and took out all my guilt on you and I shouldn't have. I'm glad you were there to look out for her, Gillian."
"It's okay. I won't lie and say it didn't hurt, but you're allowed to have feelings, sis. It would be weird if you didn't freak out over something that huge. And I’m so sorry I let you both down. I keep reliving it and wishing I could go back and catch her faster, or leave sooner or anything to make it so it never happened,” I say, tears burning behind my eyes now.
“Hey, she’s safe. That’s what matters,” Trudy cuts into my next apology before I can voice it.
"I shouldn’t have blamed you. If anything, I blame myself more.
And it doesn't help that it makes me feel like even more of a crap mom, but I have no right to take that out on you.
" Trudy rubs her face with both hands, and I recognize that urge to hide rearing up again. I give her shoulder a squeeze.
"What are you even talking about?” I ask, genuinely baffled. Trudy works long hours, but she’s still super present with the kids when she’s got them home with her. “You're a great mom."
She huffs and rolls her eyes at me. "It's hard to believe that when the kids are on holidays and I'm still working all day and it feels like I barely see them during the week unless I sneak down to the daycare to bring them to my office for lunch."
"True, are you serious? You adore your kids, and they know it."
“This is so not your fault and if you apologize for it I’ll make you take that summer vacation with your school friends that you refused to let us cover the costs for, but sometimes it feels like they love you more than me.
” She wags a finger at me, and I know the threat is serious, even if she’s being ridiculous.
“That’s silly. You’re their mom, Trudy.”
“Uh huh.” Trudy snorts. "I heard Marina calling you mama for months before she finally said it to me, Gill."
"Oh, ooph. I'm so sorry. I—" I can't exactly deny the story, but it's also not a reflection on Trudy as a mom either.
"Oh, stop apologizing, I mean it about sending you to a beach for two weeks, sis. It is what it is. I know you tried to keep it from happening in front of me and you corrected her every time, but it's kind of lodged in my brain whenever something like this happens to remind me that I can’t give my all to every part of my life.”
"That makes sense. Right now it's hard. They're still so little, it’s hard for them to understand that you love them and your career.
But you make the most of the time you have with them every day.
And it won't be long before they're busy with school and activities while you're at work anyway.
And one day they are going to be so proud that their mom is an amazing mom and a whole person.
They're going to be so proud that you are a marine biologist and your work protects our static ocean cousins and makes life better for all types of shifters. "
"You think so?" Trudy arches a brow, some of her usual confidence slipping back into place. Good.
"I know so, cause I'm damn proud that you're my sister, True."
She hugs me then, squeezing tight. "Aw, you're going to make me cry again, sis. And after I was an asshole to you too. Are we okay?"
"Um, mostly?"
"Lincoln said you were upset last night. Want to tell me about it?"
I shrug, not sure how to bring up just how scared she made me when she's already being so hard on herself.
"It's nothing that won't wait."
"Does it have anything to do with the apartment listings you left open on the computer the other day?" Trudy fixes me with her best parental glare. Busted. Ugh. I hate when she makes me feel like a kid.
"It's nothing.” I shuffle toward the coffee to create some space. “Not like I have the money to move yet anyway. I just wanted…"