Chapter 7 #3
"Your own space? And how do you not have enough money for rent, Gillian?
Not to be an asshole about it, but I know what we've been paying you to nanny for the kids these past few years.
Sure, teaching preschool isn't exactly a big money maker but you should have savings.
What could you possibly have spent that much on? "
My stomach roils with nausea. I shouldn't have brought this up. Except I didn't really, and now I'm going to have to come clean about an even older lie.
"It's not what you're thinking," I hedge.
"Oh? It's not, is it? What am I thinking, then." Trudy steps around me and forces me to look at her. She’s got the worst stern parent look, I’m going to cave and spill my guts like a cornered sea cucumber.
I hesitate, unsure how to proceed here. It feels like I’m drifting at the edge of an open expanse of shifting sand that could hide any number of dangers and offers nowhere to hide if I make the wrong move.
"Um, anything bad?" I lick my lips, my mouth feels like sand with how dry it is. Trudy’s steady stare boring into me doesn’t relent one iota. “Nothing that would put the kids at risk.”
“I know that much.” Trudy sighs from the depths of her being. "Just tell me what you spent it on, Gillian, and then we can fix the problem. Or get you help or…whatever you need."
"It's not really that kind of problem.” I try to edge past her toward the coffee. She blocks me, not letting up on the pressure one bit. Ugh, she’s relentless.
Now that she knows there’s something to dig up, I might as well get this over with.
“Fine. It’s not a big deal. You know how I said my surgeries were covered when I moved in with you guys?
You were so excited to surprise me when you found a specialist who works with octopus shifters and who could preserve my slick glands when she, uh, did her thing and you got her to fit me into her schedule for a consult within a year even though she was booked solid? ”
“Yes. Even if she hadn’t taken your insurance, seeing the way your confidence bloomed after you recovered would have been worth every penny.
I was honestly shocked you said the co-pay was manageable without any help when Linc and I offered to cover it for you.
Wait, did they ask for more than you expected?
” She takes my shoulders in her hands and searches my face as if the answers are painted in my chromatophores for her to read.
In a sense they are. My shame and regret and worry must shine like a beacon.
But Trudy is never satisfied until she understands things.
Makes her a great scientist and sometimes it makes her really bad at respecting boundaries.
I close my eyes and debate whether this is one of those times or if I really do want to tell her.
A part of me wants to stick to the original plan of proving to myself I can make my own way.
A much bigger part wants to tell her. To finally share the burden that’s been weighing down all my plans for the future like an anchor.
“Gillian, did they charge more than they quoted you after the fact?” Trudy demands, her chromatophores coloring crimson. Tides, if I don’t tell her what I did, she’s going to call the clinic to yell at them and they won’t have any reason not to tell her the truth.
"Not exactly?” I can’t look at her as I admit this next boneheaded part. My reasons seemed so solid at the time, but now I can’t look back on the entire thing without cringing.
“Explain.” Trudy demands, her voice deadly calm.
“Well, I lied about it being covered. It wasn’t. It cost a fortune and I put it on a credit card and I've been paying it off ever since. So, that’s it, my terrible secret debt," I step away from her with a tada gesture to try lightening her thunderous mood.
"You…what? Are you kidding me? Why would you do that?" Trudy asks, her shocked tone almost comical.
“I just needed something that was all mine,” I admit, even though I know that truth will hurt her and it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with our mother. I hug myself, needing comfort.
“Oh.” Trudy’s face falls. She looks gutted, and I don’t blame her. The irony is that if I'd just taken the offered help with my transition back then, I'd be a lot more financially stable and independent now, so maybe that's why it feels childish to explain.
“I’m not comparing you to our mother, to be clear.
It wasn’t about you. It was about her and being an impulsive short-sighted teenager.
I got it into my head that I needed to pay for my transition on my own.
I didn't want to make my medical stuff your burden, Trudy.
Besides, you and Linc were going through enough with expecting the girls' and their health being so touch and go at the time, I didn't want to add more to your worries.
And I just...I needed that sense of owning my choices and my body.
Paying my own way made it feel like it was more mine.
Not a gift that anyone could make me pay back or hold over me. Not after everything with Mom."
"Fuck. I should have checked the fine print instead of letting you stress alone." Trudy rubs her temples.
I shrug. "I told you that you'd be mad."
"You’re correct. I'm livid.” Trudy clenches her fists, takes a few deep breaths and then continues decisively.
“Fine. That shell is already molted. Will you tell me how much you still owe at least?
The interest and fees those cards charge are predatory.
We can at least pay it off now and work out a fair payment plan. "
"It's already paid off.” I tell her, the first bright spot in all this. “You aren’t wrong that you paid me really well. I'm just, really fucking broke now."
"Damn it, Gillian. I thought you were in a position to not have to rely on us. If I'd realized that wasn’t the case I’d—” She cuts herself off, shaking her head ruefully.
“You know what? No, if you didn’t realize this, then that’s on me.
I should have made sure you know in every fiber of your being that you will ALWAYS have a place with us.
Even if I'm scared or something terrible happens. "
"Even if Marina wasn't okay and it was my fault?" I whisper my nightmare between us.
Trudy takes a deep breath, then another to calm down, but her voice still shakes when she replies.
"If anything happened to any of my kids on your watch, then I can't promise I won't freak out, but I can promise that I know you'd never let anything happen to them if there was any chance anyone could have prevented it. I trust you with them, Gill. You’ve been there watching over them every day of their lives.
Trust doesn't get bigger than that. Even if I screwed up yesterday. "
"Okay."
"Fine, you need me to remind you of that more often, noted.
Back to your apartment hunt. So, you refused to accept help with your medical bills even though I was the one who pushed you to see that doctor, ergo it's my fault that getting your surgeries meant going out of network, so I'm going to make it up to you.
You will not convince me otherwise." Trudy says.
"You're what?" I gawp at her.
"You heard me. I'm going to figure out how much extra you paid over the years because I didn't have all the facts and pushed you to pick a surgeon I trust, and then Linc and I are going to put that amount into an account for you.
You can do what you want with that, but it will always be there in case you need a safety net.
Buy a house, buy a plane ticket, buy your own private preschool with it for all I care.
It's yours. So you don't ever have to worry about anyone putting you out on the street ever again.
You got me? I'm not our mother, and I'm not going to make you spend another night worrying that I might be. "
"That isn't...I don't think that." I shake my head, guilt eating me alive over even entertaining that fear for a moment.
"Sure. And yet, a part of you is still afraid it might happen again, so that part is going to say yes to the money and hand over the bank statements that I need to figure out just how much to put in your account.
Because we both know I'll figure it out regardless and that will save us both a lot of frustration, right?
" Trudy makes it seem so inevitable that I don’t feel bad giving in without a fight.
I sigh. "Ugh. Fine. I'll send you the info later."
"Good. You can log into your bank app and send me the files on the drive to work. Then you can browse the listings for that new place, if you truly want to move out, then you’ll do it with my blessing whenever you’re ready.”
“Really? Even if I moved out before Solstice? Or if I wanted to stay until the kids graduate?”
“Whenever you decide. You will always have a place with us regardless,” Trudy pulls me into a side hug and kisses my temple.
“You’re my baby sister and I love you, you’re stuck with me for life.
” She squeezes my shoulders and rocks us side to side, then nudges me toward the microwave.
“Now, we're both running late, I’ll pour the coffee, you grab the sandwiches, so we can hit the road, sis. "
"But..." I’m not even sure which part I’m protesting. Maybe going to work after such an emotional start to the day? It doesn’t matter, Trudy has already decided on the plan and I let her sweep me along in her wake.
"Relax, you can take the car home after your shift, Linc and I are taking the kids to his dad's place for dinner tonight." Trudy pats my back reassuringly and I savor the comforting touch. That more than any words makes me feel like we're good again.
I nod, even though this is the first I'm hearing about the dinner plans.
"Linc thought you might enjoy some alone time," Trudy answers my unspoken questions about whether I'm invited or if this is a way of distancing her mate and family from me or what.
I can't quite put those doubts into words, but Trudy gets it and allays my worst fears without me having to speak life into them.
“When will you be back?” I ask.
"Don't wait up for us." Trudy has the sheer audacity to wink at me, like she knows exactly what I want to do with the gift of an entire evening of privacy. Or like she maybe overheard what I got up to last night. Crap. That would be embarrassing.
Not embarrassing enough to stop me from texting Winny as soon as we get in the car to arrange for her to come back to my place after our date. Those plans are still nebulous beyond going on a date after work, but I’m looking forward to seeing her later.
Alone time afterward is the icing on the cake, it’s not every day I get the house to myself. Soon, it could be though. I open a tab to see if the listing for the cute little two bedroom duplex that caught my eye the other day is still available, and hope for the best.