Chapter 11
CHAPTER
ELEVEN
Players fuck up, too
“Ugh!”
“Look, it’s not that bad, honestly, friend.”
“It’s worst. You didn’t hear his… His voice cracking.
He was pouring his heart out to me and I was too prideful to admit that I’m in way over my head.
That I, too, have fallen in love. That I want him and my independence, too.
But, my independence first. That I am sick when he’s not around.
That I like his company as much as my solitude.
Jesus, who am I turning into? I sound like a lovesick puppy. ”
“You are.”
“Shut up.”
“I been called it. I been knew it. That man wasn’t letting up off you. Wasn’t letting you breathe. And, you didn’t care to come up for air, either. I saw it.”
“Then why didn’t you stop me? We said–”
“Don’t fall in love these niggas this summer.”
“So why’d you let me fall?”
“Cause bitch you ain’t have no other choice. And, besides, Flocco not like the rest of them. We know that. He’s different. I haven’t doubted him one day since he’s come into your life. That man had been waiting on you. He wasn’t trying to fuck that off.”
“Then here I go. Ripping the nigga’s heart out of his chest.”
“He’s admitted to liking you crazy. If he can’t handle today then he can’t handle you.”
“I didn’t feel this way about Zeek.”
“Oh, I know.”
“I thought I did, but this is different. This is much different. He has the potential to hurt me so much worse and my heart just won’t allow me to sign it up for mass destruction. I don’t have another relationship in me.”
“Stop it, Hyphen. You’re talking yourself out of what could be the rest of your life. And I think it would be a beautiful life. You’re headed to school and Flocco is working his ass off to get that shop. Shit just getting started. Don’t bow out so early.”
I quieted, taking in what Saga had shared.
“Maybe you’re right. I’m going to sleep on it.”
“Baby, it’s a nigga with a whole dick a few blocks over. Sleep on it? Go slip on it and apologize while you’re at it.”
Ding.
Dong.
Feeling foolish, I stood on Flocco’s porch. I stared down at the time on my phone as I rang the doorbell a second time.
Ding.
Dong.
3:24a
Tempted to turn around and go home, I tapped my foot against the concrete.
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
I turned on my heels. The locks began to twist, but I couldn’t turn back now. I’d already started for my car.
Go back!
Annoyed with my inner voice, I turned again and made my way up the porch.
“Hyph.”
My heart hurt. I shoved past Flocco, unable to contain my emotions. I plummeted on the couch, but it wasn’t cushion I fell backward on. It was a body. A petite body. A naked body, draped with a blanket that only covered some of her bottom half.
With my head tilted, I stood up. I wasn’t sure what came over me or why, but my fist was around the curly ‘fro and my victim was on the floor in a flash.
“Who the fuck is this, Flocco?”
He rubbed sleep from his eyes. A sigh parted his lips.
“Nevaeh.”
It wasn’t until he said her name that it dawned on me. I hadn’t seen her face, but it all made sense. Less than twelve hours ago Flocco was near tears in my living room. Now, I was in his living room with a fist full of hair with his naked neighbor on the floor.
I wasn’t sure where the first blow landed, but I swiftly followed up with a second one. Mid-swing, I stopped myself. I placed both hands together and dropped my victim. Now in the prayer position, I chuckled.
“You know what, I’m too grown for this shit. I shouldn’t have come. I should’ve stayed my ass at home. You’re a free man with free will.”
I shoved past Flocco. He caught my collar and pulled me back into the house.
“Hyph, chill out.”
“Oh, I’m chill,” I laughed, feeling the weight of seven bags of bricks on my chest.
I exhaled.
“Can we talk?” He questioned, throwing me for a full loop.
“About what, Laurence? There was a naked woman on your couch.”
The pain was excruciating. I could feel the pricking of my eyes. The turning of my stomach. The cracking of my voice. The breaking of my heart.
I swiped the tears from my eyes before they could fall.
Get yourself together, bitch.
I shoved my feelings down my throat and turned to face Flocco’s company.
“I’m not staying, but neither are you, bitch. Get your shit and get out of this house. If I come back by and see you’re crossing that fucking gun line, I’m not going to be so nice. I’m whooping your ass from one end of Dooley to the next.”
She scrambled, collecting her things and pulling them onto her body simultaneously. Before I could count to ten, she was out of the front door.
I was right behind her. I lunged forward but was pushed backward. Flocco locked the bars and then closed his front door before locking it too.
“You not going nowhere until we talk, Hyphen.”
“There’s no need. As I stated, you’re a man with free will. No rules. No one to tell you what you can and can’t do. Who you can and can’t see.”
“But, I want someone telling me that. I want you to tell me that.”
I shook my head.
“I want to leave.”
“I ain’t letting you.”
I avoided eye contact. I couldn’t look at him. The disgust and the pain was too much to bear. The tears were stinging my eyes. They’d fall at any moment. I didn’t want to talk. I wanted out. Flocco had done nothing wrong. I just didn’t understand why it hurt so bad.
“Talk to me, Hyph.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. The sniggers wouldn’t stop. I was laughing to keep from crying.
“That just happened.” I cleared my throat.
“Between you and I. The argument. It just happened. And, I haven’t been able to sleep.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the things I said and the things I should’ve said and how sorry I am and how much I needed to apologize and how it feels like hell knowing I might’ve hurt you. Yet you’re– Being a man.”
I shook my head.
“Let me out of the fucking door, Flocco.”
“Nah. You gone stay in this bitch ‘til you drop them tears you’re holding onto. And, then you’re going to put your big girl panties on and kick my ass or yell at me or tell me you hate me or whatever the fuck you need to do to feel better before you walk about of my door.”
I remained silent, pressing my back against the post that separated his kitchen from his living room. Though I was breathing just fine, I also felt like I was suffocating.
I swiped underneath my eyes again.
And then again.
And then again.
And then again.
I tried pushing the most important question down my throat. It wouldn’t budge. I was repulsed at the idea of releasing it. Still, the words came tumbling out like a bowling ball at the alley, hoping for a strike.
“You fucked her?”
“I thought she’d make me feel better.”
“So you fucked her?” I asked, again, lifting my head.
Finally, I was able to face him. He shook his head.
“My dick wouldn’t stay hard.”
I scoffed, kissing the skin of my teeth.
“Who the fuck do I look like?”
He shrugged. “I didn’t fuck her, Hyph. She sucked my dick. I strapped up. It was a struggle. My shit wouldn’t stay hard. I never even got the condom on. But, she was high by then. I’d been high. She fell asleep on the couch. I feel asleep beside her, still smoking, trying to clear my head.”
“And hoping that by the time you woke up your dick would stay hard long enough to fuck her?”
He nodded.
I chuckled, again.
“That’s enough,” I sighed, “I’m ready to go.”
I moved toward the door. He stood in front of it.
“Nah.”
“It’s best you start getting hard for somebody, because whatever I thought I was coming over to repair is dead, Flocco. So, whether you let me out now or in the morning, that won’t change.”
The tears came. They came like waves in the deepest parts of the ocean. I was drowning in disgust and pain and pride and regret.
“I’m sorry.”
His words hardly meant anything anymore. Before now, they meant the most, even when I didn’t have the heart to admit it.
“I’m sorry, Hyph. I am. I– I fucked up. I–” he breathed out, unsure of his next set of words.
I wanted nothing more than for him to shut up.
“Let me fix this.”
“You can’t,” I admitted, wiping my face for the hundredth time.
“I’m not like them, Hyph. I won’t hurt you.
I’ve been waiting on you. Waiting on me for what, Flocco?
Waiting on our first spat so you could fuck the first available woman in Dooley?
Huh? Is that what you’ve been waiting on me for? To break my heart?
“Worse than any other motherfucker ever could? You’re right.
You’re not like them. You’re worse, Flocco.
Cause, they’ve only ever been a lick for me.
Not you. I never put you in that category.
I couldn’t. I liked you. And, it didn’t take very long for me to figure out I loved you.
There isn’t a man near or far who can say they’ve touched me since I’ve returned to Dooley.
Nobody but you. It was always going to be you, Flocco. ”
I watched as his features changed. The truth hurts. It hurt us both.
“I just needed time and space and to get my shit together. To get my ducks in a row. I wasn’t busting my ass because I wanted to sit in niggas’ faces and laugh. I had a plan. I always have a plan. Cause the one time I didn’t, a nigga shitted on me. I can never do that to myself again.
“My bills will be paid for the next five years because of the same niggas you catch slipping. My school tuition is paid. My mortgage will be paid in full. I am setting myself up for success and just because it doesn’t look like the path others take, it’s getting the job done.
When I said I didn’t have the capacity for a relationship, it wasn’t because I didn’t want you.
“It wasn’t because I wanted to keep playing niggas.
It was because I didn’t need any distractions.
This fall I’ll be entering nursing school.
All of this hustling hasn’t been for nothing.
It’s given me a good enough cushion to focus on one thing for the next four years.
MY DEGREE. I left my last relationship with nearly nothing.
“I won’t do that again. Not for nobody. Not even you. So, I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry this didn’t work out the way you wanted it to and I’m sorry for showing up at your home the way I did.”
“Can we start over, Hyph?”
“I’m not who you need, Flocco. I’m tired. I want to go home. So, please…”
He didn’t protest. He slid over, unlocking one door after the other. It wasn’t until I was out in my car, down the street, and out of sight that I stopped. My right hand banged against the steering wheel as tears cascaded down my face.